sub-conscious

2011-05-04T20:24:00.000-05:00

It’s been more than a month since things between Sir A and I ended although I didn’t know at the time that the fairly quick phone conversation we’d had would be our last. I can’t tell you if Sir A knew it…he didn’t mention anything of the kind. There wasn’t anything unusual about our conversation or the way that he came across. But I haven’t heard from him since. He obviously lost interest in our relationship and decided not to do the decent thing and let me know. So much for the well-mannered proponent of communication that he portrayed himself to be…

Once again, I’ve made a poor choice in a dominant and I don’t really understand how it happened. I was careful not to rush into anything and felt I knew him as both a dominant and a man by the time that we moved from friendship into something more. We were almost eerily in sync when it came to our views of D/s and the lifestyle. And we were looking for the same things in a relationship. I was sure that we would be a good fit. Obviously, I misjudged either him or the situation.

I’m not sure where I’m going to go from here. It hasn’t seemed to matter if I leap or make an educated choice. The results have all been the same - a dominant who treats me poorly and then leaves without word. I can’t help but wonder if I’m too naïve or trusting or if it has more to do with the nature of online relationships. I know some people don’t consider it a “real” relationship and see it as merely a way to have a bit of fun. But I also know that there are those out there, like me, who are looking for a serious commitment. I guess the real questions are: how do I find the dominants who are truly looking for what I seek and how can I tell the serious ones from those who give me lip service in order to have a little bit of fun?

discovering rope: confirmation

2011-04-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

Our first class on Saturday morning was Bondage 101. Eve and I were looking forward to it - the description had promised that a large portion of it would be dedicated to rope bondage and our experience on Friday had the two of us more than a little intrigued and rather rope focused. Neither of us could explain what we’d felt but it had certainly captured our attention. And we were eager to find out what further exposure to rope would bring.

At one point during the class, our instructor passed around lengths of different types of rope so we could get a feel for them and for us to practice ties with later. I copped a quick feel and passed them on dutifully. They were nice but I didn’t feel anything special when handling them. Until our instructor’s favorite rope was in my hands.

The fibers of this new rope were soft and sensual…at almost first touch, I could feel it starting to take hold of me. The room seemed to suddenly become warmer as I lovingly fingered the rope. I felt the same dreamy lightness settle around me but this time there was something more. Each touch was bringing me a little higher, pulling me a little deeper into these feelings. I looped the rope around my wrist a few times, reveling in the soft whisper of it against my skin. Soon, my breathing started to become ragged and I was trembling. I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t think about anything but the rope and how it made me feel.

Suddenly, Eve reached over and grabbed the rope around my wrist, tightening it against my skin and pulling it to her. I gasped from the jolt it provided me. Arousal arched through me and for a moment the intensity of my feelings threatened to overwhelm me. But it was just for a moment, soon the chaos inside me softened and settled into a deep calmness and peace which I enjoyed until I had to let Eve have the rope to practice with.

There wasn’t much time between classes but Eve and I ran outside to smoke once the first one was done. We wanted a little privacy so we could talk and I needed the fresh air. This second experience had been more powerful than the first. We didn’t really know what to make of all of this but one thing was certain - we absolutely needed to buy some rope.

We decided to skip our next class to shop. There weren’t a lot of vendors at the event and the options were surprisingly few. As we looked at what was available, I realized that I’d suddenly become compulsively tactile when it came to rope. I had to touch it all…and I couldn’t stop touching the bamboo rope that we eventually decided on. Eve had to take it from me when we bought it and again several times later when it somehow found its way out of the bag and into my hands…

discovering rope: first inkling

2011-04-03T22:35:00.004-05:00

I don’t know when exactly the feeling started to take hold of me - it was already powerful when I became fully aware of it and in each passing moment it seemed to grow stronger. I felt like I was in the cocoon of a dream. Everything was soft around the edges and there was a peculiar hush in the room. My vision was tunneled and I could see and hear only our teacher and his volunteer at the front of the room. Somehow, inexplicably, I was experiencing the same thing she was - her face and every nuance of her body telegraphed the very same emotions that I was in the grip of. Surprisingly, I didn’t think to question it. I didn’t think at all. I simply enjoyed what I was feeling and allowed it to continue to draw me in.

He spoke so softly to her that I couldn’t hear what he was saying but, somehow, I was so keyed into their interaction that I could feel the words that I couldn’t hear. My eyes closed in pleasure when hers did…and when he wrapped the coil very gently around her neck, I could swear that I felt the soft touch of the hemp against mine as well. My knees felt heavy and weak and each breath I took filled me with lightness and something that was beginning to approach bliss. When, at his command, she announced to the room that she was wet, I flushed hotly and dropped my eyes for a few moments. I think I blushed for us both…I, too, was wet and her admission of it for us both made me suddenly and acutely aware of the shame of it. My humiliation added another dimension to what I was feeling…it was pleasurable but a little uncomfortable too. I felt as if everyone must know and in an effort to dispel some of my discomfort I reached out for the rope that Eve had taken from me a short time ago.

I returned my attention to the presentation, a ball of rope gripped firmly in one hand and the fingers of the other in constant motion. The rope had an amazing feel to it that I couldn’t get enough of. My fingers stroked, grasped, and pulled…registering sensations of it as if it was braille. Something about it made me inexplicably high and dreamy, ready to float but not quite there.

When the presentation was finished, our teacher passed out more rope and turned the class over to work with their partners. Eve asked me if I wanted to move into the corner to work with her. It took me a moment to be able to speak. My voice sounded strange to me when I told her that I wanted to stay where we were. The truth of it was that my legs were still weak and I didn’t think they would hold me if I tried to stand up. And I didn’t want to move at all for fear of disturbing or losing this incredible feeling.

When our eyes connected, I could see that she was feeling something as well. There was something electric in this shared experience but after a few moments I couldn’t bear the raw intimacy of our locked gaze. I tore my eyes from hers as I bowed my head - both to her and to the mysterious power that the rope and this class seemed to have over me.

Eve didn’t understand. She didn’t know what powerful feelings I was in thrall of. She didn’t know that the weight of them had rendered me unable to move from my chair or to speak. Or the confusion I felt at my undeniably strong and (I thought) very strange reaction to a piece of rope and a presentation. She didn’t know that my world had tipped sideways…but there’s no way that she could have. I wasn’t able to articulate what I was feeling and she couldn’t read what she had seen in my eyes.

Eve was in the throes of her own powerful emotions and my seeming lack of willingness to participate in this portion of the class felt like rejection to her. After a few moments, she hastily left the room. I wasn’t capable of rushing after her nor did I want to. I was crushed and hurt by her reaction and had been yanked out of the lovely place that I’d dwelled for quite some time. Very slowly, I went after her.

Communication is a recurring issue with Eve and I so it was no surprise that after such a powerful experience we found ourselves at odds with one another. What was a surprise, though, was that after an initial volley of dueling emotional outbursts toward one another we were able to connect in a way that we haven’t in years and to talk things through. Now, several days later, we’re both still feeling that connection. It is a wonderful - and needed - thing.

first kink event

2011-04-03T22:33:00.001-05:00

Eve and I went to our first kink event this weekend - “SINSations in Leather.” It was an amazing two days filled with a few unexpected and intense moments and whole lot of fun. We connected with a lot of people, enjoyed several new experiences and shared the most intense connection during play that we ever have. We came home with a lot: new friends, club memberships, a lexan cane, a book on rope bondage, some beautiful bamboo rope, and plans to buy a whole lot of hemp rope and to put it to good use as soon as we can. My mind is still whirling and I know I’ll have a lot to share in coming days. Until then…

7 things I learned at my first kink event:

1. I am in LOVE with rope. I’m totally smitten…and I think it loves me too.

2. It is quite possible to cum from something as simple as the smell of hemp under your nose, the touch of a dominant (or two!) on the back of your neck, and soft whispering in your ear. I don’t know this from experience but he said it was possible and given the way it made me feel I have no doubt that he is right.

3. Having rope wrapped lovingly and precisely around your body is an experience filled with many sensual delights. The indentations left on your body from rope bondage form beautiful patterns that last for hours after the ropes have been taken off.

4. Kinky people have fantastic hearing when it comes to kink related talk. For example, if when you are looking at textured paddles with a dominant who wonders what they feel like and you make a sarcastic comment about presenting your ass to try it out and being ignored, all the kinky folk in the room will hear it. The resulting comments will be funny but embarrassing and you will turn about 12 shades of red.

5. It is impossible not to squirm, dance around, and squeal when experiencing the violet wand for the first time.

6. A submissive squirming, dancing around and squealing during a violet wand demo is high entertainment for every dominant in the room and they will absolutely comment loudly and otherwise share their enjoyment with the entire room from where they sit. If you are that submissive, you will once again turn about 12 shades of red.

7. Being bent over a chair fully clothed, pretend fucked, and talked dirty to by a stranger in front of a room full of people as a visual aid to help a presenter tell a story during a “Sensual Humiliation” session is every bit as humiliating and embarrassing as the real deal. Yep, you guessed it - another 12 shades of red.

quiet ritual

2011-02-28T19:08:00.001-06:00

Sometimes she sits to complete the ritual, others she kneels. It depends upon where her thoughts and emotions have led her, and where he has taken her, before this quiet time arrives. Tonight, she misses her Sir and she already knows which posture will make her feel most connected to him. Only moments ago she was full of motion - inside and out. But now, having slipped deliberately to her knees the motion ceases. As her hands settle down upon her lap, she finds stillness and begins.

She tilts her chin up as she closes her eyes and draws a deep breath. As her mind focuses in the direction that he has asked her to take, her lips turn up softly. She can feel him there with her and he fills her in every possible way - mentally, emotionally, even physically although he is many miles away. Tonight, this is the only way that she can be with or speak with him. It is enough - but barely - to feel the ghost touch of his hand on her shoulder, to hear the echo of his voice, to bask in the warmth of the memory of his smile… and to know that he will be happy with her obedience.

After she is done and begins to rise she can’t help but wonder… did he hear the thoughts and silent prayer of thanks that she sent him as a whisper on the wind? Did his thoughts turn unexpectedly toward her or did he suddenly see an image of her on her knees, waiting for him to return in patience and obedience, reveling in the pleasure of simply being his?

waiting for Sir

2011-02-23T18:28:00.005-06:00

I've finished preparing to meet with Sir tonight and I'm ready far too soon. So I sit to wait, careful not to muss the pretty clothes that I chose just for him. The soft jazz in the background is a counterpoint to the buzz of anticipation and occasional spike of anxiety inside me. It doesn't soothe me as much as I thought it would…there's just a little too much noise in my head for me to relax completely. The ebb and flow of it have been with me all day. Since last night, actually, when I revealed to Sir what was on my mind.

I look at the clock. 30 more minutes. 30 long minutes with nothing to do but wait and think.

There's a small quaking inside me. I'm looking forward to spending time with Sir tonight but my thoughts can't help but drift back to the request I sent to him last night. I've been filled with a need lately and I opened my soul to him to lay it at his feet. And to ask him to provide me with what I have been so intensely craving. Asking for things I need is always difficult for me. The more intensely I need it, the harder it is to ask.

I received a response from him this morning. Before I'd even read it, my pulse picked up tempo and my nerves kicked into gear. I didn't know what he was going to say, I'm sure that my email had been a surprise to him. But I needn't have worried about his reaction...he was glad that I'd shared the way I’ve been feeling. And he understood what I was saying. He promised to give my request his consideration and -

"We shall talk about it this evening."

Those words brought me both anxiety and thrill. The thought of having a discussion about this need of mine is almost too much to think about. My emotions are tangled - lying in a knot in the middle of my stomach. Knowing that he will answer my need should be a comfort but mostly I feel anxiety at the thought of discussing it.

Fifteen minutes...time to go. I want to be there when Sir arrives. I just need one more moment - to smooth my hair, check my lipstick, and arrange my skirt.

And to breathe.

owned

2011-02-19T22:40:00.003-06:00

I’ve always felt that ownership was the domain of the M/s relationship. In the past, I’ve always been ready with an objection to the Doms that have referred to their ownership of me or called me their slave. I’ve been quick to point out the differences between submissive and slave, to distinguish that it is my continual choice to serve and obey. The concept of being owned didn’t sit comfortably with me. There was always too much weight to it, too many implications that I didn’t feel applied to me. It wasn’t a part of my submissive identity.

I’m coming to understand things a little differently now…coming to feel differently.

When Sir said to me, “I own you now,” the word didn’t elicit the same reaction in me. I raised no objection. It didn’t even occur to me to object. What I did was …smile. Something inside me had slipped into place and I knew what I haven’t before - that I have secretly yearned to hear those words in the time that I’ve spent getting to know Sir. Hearing them thrilled me on a deeper level than I’ve felt before and I felt a sense of pure rightness and peace.

When he asked me how it felt to be owned, I didn’t have the words to fully capture how I was feeling. I didn’t really know how to tell him how monumental it felt to me. How to show him that although I find the way I feel to be confusing, it is the wondrous confusion of something entirely new and unexpected…and undeniably positive. I still don’t have the words. In fact, I’m still a little in awe of this feeling and of the truth of it.

Have I changed my mind or is the way I’m feeling unique to Sir? I’m not sure. All I really know is that being owned by Sir feels right. The way the world was meant to be.

I am owned.

His.

And very happy to be so.

he...we...

2011-02-19T20:18:00.000-06:00

He wasn’t really looking. I was growing tired of my search, thinking of taking a break soon from speaking with so many strangers.

And then we found each other.

The email that arrived in my inbox was unlike any other I’ve received from a dominant. It intrigued me and captured my attention. And when I read his profile I immediately wanted to know more about this mysterious man who had already set himself apart from others. So I answered it.

Friendship grew between us very quickly as we entered into a series of wonderful and interesting conversations. As the connection between us grew, something else began to blossom between us. Inkling grew into certainty. Possibilities began to stretch out and take hold. For the second time in my life, I felt the compulsion to address a friend as “Sir.”

My sheepish admission of my wish to do something to please him was met with certain delight and answered with a suggestion.Which I took him up on. And after which we started discussing those possibilities. And here we are.

I have found my Sir. And he has found his girl. Together, we have begun a journey that it seems we were both meant to take…

the calm after the storm

2010-08-27T21:57:00.002-05:00

I stepped out the door this morning with a spring in my step and a twinkle in my eye – relaxed, focused, and in a great mood. Yesterday was an amazing day. I met a long-term personal goal ahead of schedule, reached new heights professionally, and.........wait for it.........had an amazing session with Eve that sent my masochistic tendencies back from whence they came. I was blissed out by bedtime and my unconscious mind carried it with me through the night. It was the best night of sleep I’ve had in a long time and the first in weeks where my darker desires and urges didn’t monopolize my dreams.

Despite knowing that I have a need to be regularly beaten during times of extreme stress, the mental effect of a beating never fails to surprise me. There was a point in the evening when I was sure that Eve had something up her sleeve for later - and just that inkling was enough to start to smooth out the rough edges inside my mind. After I'd been spanked, strapped, flogged, caned and treated to the most wicked thing in our toy chest, I'd achieved something of a zen state. My mind was wonderfully calm and I was peacefully centered and content. Amazing.

That wicked thing in our toy chest, by the way, looks a little something like this:

It's a thin, flexible piece of poly something or other formed into a long loop. Deceptively simple and mundane looking, this thing packs a wallop that brings up welts immediately and I can’t generally endure it for more than a moment or two. I've never actually asked Eve to use it on me because it bites like the dickens - in the bad way. But last night, I was not only happy to see it find it's way into rotation - I was wishing for more when she put it aside!

The only disappointment to the evening is that, once again, the resiliency of my backside has proven more powerful than Eve's ministrations. The red and heat soon faded, the welts quickly disappeared, and by the time we went back into the living room I wasn't even sore. Eve's multiple assertions that my bottom is mocking her would be funny if I didn't realize how much it annoys her...

distraction

2010-08-25T21:40:00.003-05:00

Sigh...I knew it was coming but I didn’t expect it so soon. The intensity and stress at the office have brought my craving for dominance and latent masochistic tendencies to the surface once again. For days now they’ve been gaining momentum, looming larger in my mind, driving me to distraction. And the things I normally use to distract myself with are losing the power they once had to captivate my attention.

I’ve been home alone tonight, listless, unable to focus as my mind flits in and out of fantasy and daydream. I can’t seem to relax - the wanting...the wishing...the hunger inside me keeping me tight as a bowstring. I’ve been sitting here wishing I had the nerve to ask someone to play with me online. Playing it out in my mind – a little bit of cat and mouse, a little dominant pressure, and, finally, my eventual acquiescence and asking bringing that peculiar little thrill and then...

Yikes...

THAT is not helping matters.

Maybe writing tonight wasn’t such a good idea afterall...is there anything on TV?

backburner

2010-08-16T20:13:00.001-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, the busy season at the office began with its traditional bang. It started with a string of very short nights followed by very long days that contained no time for anything but work and left me exhausted by the weekend. While the grueling pace has settled down since then, the next couple of months will be filled with a lot of overtime and a lot of stress. Professionally, I’m ready for the myriad of challenges that are headed my way. But, from a personal perspective, I find myself wishing I could turn back the calendar and put off the busy season for just a little bit longer.

It was around this time last year that the downward spiral took hold of my D/s relationship with Eve. The tendrils of trust between us had already begun to bend and snap resulting in my growing discontent and the beginning of an internal rebellion that shocked and dismayed me. As I racked up the stress and overtime at the office, my needs for dominance and discipline kicked into high gear...but, unfortunately, I spent little time in Eve’s collar and my needs were largely left unmet. It was a frustrating time filled with a tension and distance that our unstable D/s relationship ultimately couldn’t overcome.

Needless to say, I’m worried about what’s going to happen in the coming months. Until the week before my schedule erupted, Eve and I had been enjoying more regular time together. We seemed to have finally found something that was working for us and had begun making plans on how best to move forward. We were both feeling good about our new direction and were being careful to give our new start enough room to breathe without expecting too much too soon.

But...it’s been 3 weeks since Eve and I have spent time together, a little less than that since we’ve talked about things. I’m starting to see the old pattern emerge – life gets busier and our D/s relationship is consigned to the back burner – and I’m afraid that our new start is too fragile to endure the neglect and distance we experienced last year when life was equally busy.

Hopefully, I’m just being hypersensitive and worrying over nothing...

2010-07-27T22:31:00.001-05:00

Tonight I’ve been alone with my thoughts, pondering some unexpected feelings from last night’s caning session. I asked to be caned...asked too, to be caned harder than I can normally tolerate. And I enjoyed it. But, afterward, inexplicably, I felt unsettled by the experience. Unsettled by my asking, my wanting...maybe my needing? And I’m not entirely sure why...

As Eve stroked my hair a little later, the feelings of need and discomfort co-mingled with the pleasure caused by her touch. Mixed with the pleasure and my rising arousal they intensified - but at the same time it fueled a certain sadness in me... an awareness of a deeper wanting, of recently glimpsed needs that I have yet to give voice to, and a dismaying craving to have my darkest and most hidden desires whispered into my ear...

Does she realize how she teases me when her stroking becomes firmer and more clinging, not quite grasping, but slightly pulling on my hair? Does she know that when she does this a small bud of need flowers into full-fledged craving for her dominance? That I sometimes pretend that she chose to commit to the act just to feel the docility settle over me? So I can wear my submission for just a few moments and dream of what could be?

Did she know what I felt in the all too brief moments when I felt the weight of her hand at the base of my neck? And did I fully realize what I was feeling? This touch and my reaction to it was new and very unexpected...it brought with it a provocative flutter and brief sense of proprietary purpose (! - ?) that I have never felt before. But Eve’s hand never quite settled there, leaving these new feelings fleeting and gone too soon to get a full sense of them.

Right now I’m confused - wanting, needing, craving things I don’t fully understand and have never experienced. And, perhaps as a result, plagued by an old fantasy that I’ve never spoken of – one that has always inspired an intoxicating mix of excitement and fear – that I have never understood it’s power to excite me. I’ve always thought that bringing my fantasy out into reality would wreck it but now I wonder if maybe it’s been trying to tell me something for a very long time?

getting it right

2010-07-22T22:44:00.003-05:00

Over the past few weeks, Eve and I have (at long last!) been spending some regular non-vanilla time together. We’ve had several wonderful sessions – sessions that are notably different from those we had prior to putting our D/s relationship on hold. The most drastic change has been in the overall tone and spirit of our play. Our recent time together has been more spontaneous, more relaxed, and – on my part – more playful than ever before.

For most of this year, we’ve been lost and floundering - unable to find what will work for us because we were too bogged down by the details. And while this is a serious thing that we are building, we finally understood that we don’t need to approach it so seriously all of the time. We don’t need to dwell on “what went wrong” or remain ever focused on “fixing” it. We needed to stop thinking so much and start doing... to take some time to reconnect and just play.

Interestingly enough, without ever talking about it, Eve and I both came to these realizations around the same time. And when a random comment spurred an impromptu spanking session, the magic of the moment was clear. Since then, we’ve gotten rid of a lot of the things that were getting in our way. We’ve stopped putting the pressure of our expectations on one another. We’ve made a conscious decision to keep the power dynamics somewhat minimalistic while we work on some lingering issues. We’re keeping it low key, playing it by ear, and seeing what happens.
And it really seems to be working for us.

Somehow, without really meaning to, we’ve finally gotten something absolutely right.

lunchtime interlude

2010-07-13T18:53:00.002-05:00

After waking up with a head full of tantalizing dreams, I was having the kind of day where an errant breeze up my skirt could provide salacious pleasure. Throughout the day, the erotic tension I was feeling only intensified. By lunchtime, concentration had pretty much deserted me and I found myself continually wrangling my thoughts away from daydream and fantasy as I attempted to get some work done. Fortunately, my lunch coincided with Eve’s and she was more than willing to give me a little of what I’ve been craving.

I wasn’t in need of an orgasm....I’d had one that morning and it had had little effect on my level of arousal. And I wasn’t specifically looking for a spanking...but, of course, Eve didn’t need to make the offer twice. What I needed was this: a few submission-tinged moments, a taste of dominance, a hint of control, and a staccato beat played out on my backside. Just a couple of moments in the middle of an ordinary day - moments filled with a peace, focus and center that I seem to have lost in the stresses of the past few weeks.

The moments just prior to my spanking were delicious – with little ado, Eve had me drop my pants and bent me over the side of the bed. Her fingers felt almost cold against my skin as she slid my panties down to my knees causing a shiver to run down my spine. In my half-clothed state I felt more naked and vulnerable than if I’d been nude... my need and arousal caused a fluttering in my belly and, eager for my spanking to begin, I arched my back and wiggled my hungry bottom at Eve.

I trembled slightly in anticipation as I tried to determine when/where/how hard the first blow would be... and the surprise and sensation of a perfectly landed blow brought a contented sigh to my lips. The rain of blows continued - too quick to count, too random to anticipate – just the right amount of force to bring a warm, then hot, blush to my bottom. I knew right away that this spanking was different... Eve has never spanked me quite like this before and my response to it was surprising. The pain wasn’t really pain. It was a different thing, something erotic... sensual... electrically charged. It felt so wonderful that I began to wonder if, as my arousal built, I could cum from just this touch and nothing else...

Afterward, sitting in the hard desk chair and humming contentedly, the shudders of pleasure continued and I could barely sit still. Each time I shifted or squirmed brought a delicious reminder – a little spike of soreness and an answering quiver in my belly...

Isn’t it funny how a couple of moments can make an ordinary day turn extraordinary?

value of training

2010-07-08T21:05:00.004-05:00

In many D/s relationships, one of the first things you generally hear about is training. Needless to say, I was surprised when I first entered service and no mention was made of it. Being pretty new to D/s with very little experience in actual submission, I’d expected that I would receive some sort of structured guidance from my Sir and/or Ma’am. I seemed to do pretty well working on instinct, however, and 10 months passed before I experienced my first formal training session. It was a powerful and profound experience for me and I was disappointed to see it end after only four more sessions.

To be honest, I hadn’t really thought very deeply about the concept or value of training until recently. While it was something that I frequently wished that our relationship contained more of, it never occurred to me that training could be something that would help ground and improve our relationship. But the more I think about it, the more I’m coming to realize there are far more benefits to training than meet the eye.

There can be many different types of training in a D/s relationship – training designed to ensure a submissive’s knowledge of a dominant’s desires and needs, to modify behavior, to build skills or cultivate a desirable quality in a submissive (i.e., increasing pain tolerance, gag training, anal training, etc.) to name a few. But what do they all have in common aside from helping to increase a submissive’s ability to be pleasing? What are the less obvious benefits and overall value to a D/s relationship?

What I’ve been thinking lately is that a formalized training process is the best way to ensure a solid foundation in a D/s relationship. This type of process creates intimate time filled with varied interaction and carefully focused attentiveness between a dominant and submissive. Such time together can be instrumental in helping dominants and submissives come to know one another/increase their bond and is an important step in building trust and communication skills. It can help establish or reinforce authority and control and can provide or enhance the structure of the relationship. Through the focused experience, dedicated ritual, and individualized practice that training provides, a sense of confidence and security can be developed for both parties, which can help set the pace for the growth and development of the relationship itself.

Granted, I don’t have much personal experience to fall back on when it comes to training and this is just theory about something that I think Eve and I missed the value of in building our relationship the first time around. I welcome everyone’s thoughts and experiences on the matter to help me round out my understanding and new perspective!

peeking back in

2010-06-30T23:22:00.004-05:00

I can't believe that almost five months have passed since I've last posted. Admittedly, I've become a bit undisciplined since leaving Eve's service but my radio silence has been more than that. Leaving service presented a lot of challenges for me - adjusting to a 99% vanilla existence after 18 months of following daily rules and rituals...trying to sort through the confusion about what I want, how my service experience has changed me, and where I ultimately want to go...fallout from scheduling a play session with Eve far too soon after my release....the ongoing conversations with Eve as we try to figure out how to rebuild...a quest to overcome my shyness and to connect with our local community...and others I can't think of right now.

In the first few months of this year, I wrote endlessly, feverishly (and in circles) in my journal. There was so much in my mind that separating one thought from the herd and following it to completion was an impossible task. Finally, I stopped writing altogether. My journal and blog lay fallow. I went from doing way too much thinking to feeling as if I didn't have anything of consequence to say.

Lately, I've begun to wonder if maybe I've just gotten out of the habit. I've been happy, busy and have adjusted to my new life. Eve and I haven't made a lot of progress where our D/s relationship is concerned but I'm feeling better about our future and things in general. I've been writing regularly in my journal again..and have turned my attention once again to my blog.

2010 has been a new chapter of my journey... I've redesigned my blog and plan to apply some discipline to my approach to get me back on track. My goal is 8 posts in next 2 months. Feel free to hold me to it or help me stay inspired and on task with topics or questions.

what went wrong

2010-02-09T08:40:00.002-06:00

Eve and I know what went wrong in our D/s relationship but knowing what happened and knowing how to change things are entirely different things. In a nutshell, most everything can be boiled down to our relative newness to D/s. Eighteen months ago when I entered her service, Eve was brand new to this world. She had only discovered her interest when Sir S asked her to be a part of the relationship he and I were beginning. And while I did have some experience prior to my service to Eve and Sir S, I was new to my own exploration. I’d only been involved in a couple of short-term relationships and the D/s dynamics had been light. Compared to Eve, my experience made it seem I knew a lot when, in fact, I knew very little about actual submission.

In our five months with Sir S, Eve and I were just getting our feet wet. Sir S had seemed to lose interest in our arrangement within a couple of months and had become a less active part of our trio. His stepping back left Eve and I to move ahead without much guidance but we seemed to be doing OK and both managed to find our bearings. When our time with Sir S came to an end, Eve and I we sure we would be fine forging ahead alone. But the truth is, without even the minimal guidance we had with Sir S, we were ill prepared to face many of the challenges that would come our way. In the end it was the two of us trying to build something by instinct and feel, stumbling around in the dark without really understanding what we were doing and the consequences that can result.

To complicate things, we both had certain preconceived notions and were prone to making assumptions based on our vanilla knowledge of one another. Both were dangerous – they not only were instrumental in the breakdown of communication between us but they weren’t based on the reality of our D/s relationship. Frankly, in a D/s setting neither Eve nor I ever really came to know one another and our vanilla knowledge was a hindrance more often than not. Falling back on misguided perceptions managed to create a lot of confusion and muddied the waters for both of us. Things that should have been simple became frustratingly complex and not talking about it only compounded the problem.

Since January, there’s been a lot of examination and dissection. Eve and I have been doing a lot of talking, working on bettering our communication as well as trying to determine what we both need to learn before we can try again. We’ve decided that it would be best to go fully back to basics, move back to the time when we were both aware of how little we knew and work with it accordingly. We’ve also been doing some reading and plan to take the time to learn one another through scheduled play sessions. Eve has been actively looking for a mentor and making connections with other dominants. And we’re continuing to try to connect with our local community despite the cliquish and exclusionary experiences we’ve weathered so far.

So...we have a plan. For my part, while I’m feeling better about things, I still feel lost. I don’t really know what would be of benefit for me to learn or how to go about learning it. I’m unsure what my needs are at this point since there are things that I’ve wanted for so long that they seem to have gained an inflated importance to me. And I’m nervous about our upcoming play session because I’m afraid that the hurts that haven’t fully healed will trigger reactions that could have a negative affect on us both. I know I need to try to stay in the moment and take things as they come...I need to rediscover the fun and reconnect with the meaning that resonates so deeply within me. But these things might be easier said than done and I’m afraid that we might have a long and difficult road before us.

In my heart, I know we can make this work. We’ve learned some hard lessons but a new dominant/new submissive combination doesn’t have to spell disaster, does it?

re-integration

2010-02-06T18:47:00.002-06:00

Endings are never easy. Even endings that aren’t true endings like the one that Eve and I have gone through. My release from service has been a sad time for me and, although things had become far from what either of us wanted, I’ve been mourning its loss. I know that Eve has mourned as well...and it has taken Herculean effort on my part not to play things down or shelter her from some of the realities of the situation. On more than one level, my instincts scream at me to protect and take care of her, soothe her hurts and worries away, but I don’t know how to do that without diminishing or negating my own. I suppose the saving grace is that we can both take strength from our primary relationship, which has fortunately remained unaffected by the problems of our D/s relationship.

At the same time, transitioning back into a vanilla way of life after 18 months of service has been a big adjustment. Just as I had to be mindful in ensuring I followed the rules and rituals that were part of my service, I found that I had to be equally mindful in no longer following them. The first couple of weeks were the worst – I found myself slipping into things no longer required too many times to count and even caught myself on the verge of filling the void of missing ritual with something far too similar to my service requirement to be vanilla. But, slowly, over the weeks I’ve adjusted back into a life without the constraints of D/s.

Well...mostly.

coming to an end

2010-01-07T22:24:00.002-06:00

I know I haven’t been posting much lately. There’s been a lot of dissonance in my relationship with my Ma’am over the past several months. I’ve touched on it in a few posts…but they didn’t capture the true reality of the situation. Driven by duty and not entirely understanding some of what I’ve been going through, I’ve reserved most of what I’ve been feeling and going through for my private journal rather than share it here.

The truth is I haven’t been happy in my D/s relationship with Eve for a long time. There’ve been real problems and recurring issues we haven’t been able to find a way around. Most of these are the unfortunate result of the pairing of a brand new Ma’am and a newish girl. Without the benefit of experience to guide us, neither Eve nor I have been prepared for or equipped with the knowledge or understanding to deal with how certain things have unfolded - and a massive communication problem has virtually ensured that things could only continue to become worse over time.

This past Sunday, my planned time in service was canceled – and I soon became aware that I was happy and grateful that it had been. The realization was like being doused with icy water. It was a reaction that I never thought I would have and it started me thinking about things I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to remain optimistic about. In looking at things honestly, I began to realize how much deeper my discontent has grown and how seriously everything has changed over the past several months. The corrosion of broken promises has eaten away at the trust between Eve and I and reduced it to almost nothing. Vague authority and unintentional neglect has taken the value and joy from my submission - so much so that even following my daily rules no longer seems to have any meaning for me. And an unintended consequence has caused me to pay a price that I never would have consented to. Finally able to see things as they really are, I didn’t know how I could continue to serve the way I was feeling. It’s only been my sense of duty that’s held me together and helped me find obedience lately and my sense of duty is bound solely to the fact that I made a commitment.

By Monday night, I reached a point of no return. The entirety of the evening was spent doing the unthinkable – seriously thinking about asking Eve to release me from her service. I didn’t want to be released but I didn’t feel able to continue to serve either. Eve and I have had a lot of discussions about all of this and the only results have been more promises I can’t trust and Eve beginning to move us in a direction I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. Things have been steadily declining and nothing we’ve tried has seemed to help. I knew I had to consider that the only solution at this point was to call it quits. Even though I knew it wasn’t what either of us wanted.

By the end of the evening, I wasn’t any closer to an answer than I was when I began. It was a miserable night...but the worst part was still to come. I still had to write my Monday email to Eve – and I’m required to let her know when such serious topics are on my mind in my report. Having to tell my Ma’am that I’d spent the evening considering asking her to release me...it was the most difficult email I’ve ever had to write.

Eve and I spent Tuesday evening in a very long, very emotional, and very serious discussion. We still have a lot to discuss but we both want to find some way to make this work. For a while, we’re suspending our D/s relationship – a temporary release as we try to figure out how best to wipe the slate clean and start again.

We’re not returning completely to the vanilla world though. We’ve decided that we definitely want to continue to play together – we’re just going to do so differently than we have before. We’ll negotiate scenes and will have a great deal more discussion about what we’re doing than we ever have before. Which, I think, is a very good thing.

can you say owie?

2009-12-01T21:00:00.005-06:00

After two rounds with Ma’am’s belt yesterday, ass so sore and hot that I could feel the heat radiating through my jeans, I found myself wanting a pleasure spanking. I didn’t come out and ask because I’m not generally permitted any type of pleasure on punishment days but I did mention to Ma’am that her girl appeared to be in a somewhat twisted frame of mind because she was wishing she could have one. Ma’am was surprised to hear it but happy to accommodate – which should have been a tip off that this was about to become one of those “be careful what you ask for” moments.

I had forgotten that these days Ma’am’s idea of a pleasure spanking is very different from my own – her pleasure includes hard and heavy blows interspersed with hard pinching and pressing on the sore areas. There will certainly be tears as she finds that special spot she loves again and again and again…and again.

And sometimes she bites. Hard.

My definition, on the other hand, is not quite so intense - a little lazier approach, softer blows mixed in with the heavy, more caress than pinch. Just a lovely little spanking. No tears and no biting.

Well…maybe a little biting. ;)

Erm, anyway…the spanking. I probably should have figured out before opening my mouth that no spanking is likely to be pleasurable when your ass is still feeling the fire of punishment…can you say “owie?” I mean OWWWWWIEEEEE!

What on Earth was I thinking?

drinks with dominants

2009-11-29T20:35:00.009-06:00

Shortly after a beating, Ma’am and I headed out to spend Friday evening with a good friend of mine - a dominant that I respect and admire. We see each other rarely because of our respective geography and I’ve been looking forward to his visit for weeks. Ma’am has been looking forward to the evening as well – she’s heard a lot about J from me and was happy to be finally meeting him herself.

I hadn’t been surprised when Ma’am revealed her intentions to give me a sore bottom before leaving as she’d done the same last November (must be a dominant thing?). I was happy to hear of her plans for a variety of reasons, one of them being that I knew the beating would help to center me and quiet my mind and I welcomed the idea of being freed to focus on only who and what was in front of me. Little did I know at that point that a quiet and centered mind wasn’t really an option - Ma’am had decided to put me in service for the evening.

The calm and peace that my beating had instilled was quickly replaced by layers of nerves – it is daunting enough to face the experience of your Ma’am and a dominant that you have great respect and high esteem for meeting for the first time but when you add in the shyness that makes me feel socially lacking and the fact that I was in service in entirely uncharted territory…well, I’m sure you can imagine the inner turmoil it created. I had a lot to contend with, a lot more to focus on than just a pleasant evening out.

As you may have already suspected, the multiply split focus didn't exactly bode well for me. I failed miserably in both my protocol and service requirements. And I do mean miserably – I actually forgot I was in service on more than one occasion as I became absorbed in the conversation. I don’t think I did much better socially – there were several moments where I fell quiet and failed to contribute to the collective conversation. Some of these happened as I realized I’d just failed to follow protocol or had said/done something not befitting a submissive in service (like interrupting my Ma’am) while others were a direct result of my feeling awkward about having just said something I thought made me sound like a moron or noticing that I wasn’t pulling my weight conversationally. I ended up in a loop – one moment focusing too much on my service requirements and falling short in the social and the next focusing too much on the social and falling short in service.

My failures and inability to strike a balance between service and social etiquette aside, I did have a wonderful evening. J was charming, witty, and interesting (as always) and he and my Ma’am seemed to have hit it off. The hours flew by in the blink of an eye – which is the best indicator of time spent in good company and good conversation.

not a black friday

2009-11-29T17:44:00.004-06:00

On Friday morning, I joined the throng of Black Friday shoppers and a longtime quest was fulfilled: the dress that I have seen in my mind’s eye since I purchased the gauzy white apron with small floral appliqués on the pockets. There it was as if waiting for me – a single dress put back on the wrong rack, dissimilar to it’s drab compatriots - a vibrant red floral with a full skirt in a deliciously soft and flowing fabric. The style was just what I’d been looking for and, miraculously, the dress was my size.

And when I tried it on? Perfection. This was a dress made for the 1950’s era housewife kink that Ma’am and I share and it was flattering to my figure to boot. The apron, a red cardigan and my red patent heels would bring the outfit together quite nicely. Although I was excited by my find, there was still one thing I needed to know before I could call my quest complete. I bent over in front of the long mirrors, carefully draped the skirt over my lower back and appraised the view from behind with a smile…oh, yes, my Ma’am would definitely like this view. I was absolutely buying this dress. The ridiculously low price was a bonus – I’d have paid many times over the ticketed price to have it.

The excitement of my find was tempered only slightly by the fact that Ma’am wasn’t home when I returned with it. But knowing that she would return soon, I put it on to show her. Her eyes lit up when she saw me in it and I could see that she loved the dress every bit as much as I’d hoped she would…especially when I pulled up the skirt and assumed a display position on our ottoman to show her my Friday panties.

That afternoon, Ma’am and I were able to spend some much needed time together. She gave me the beating that I’ve desperately needed these past couple of weeks. Somehow she knew exactly what I needed from her…from the beating itself to her answer to my plaintive plea for more when I mistakenly thought she was done and the manner in which she expressed her pleasure afterward. It’s been a long time since I’ve truly believed that she takes pleasure in my being a good girl for her. But her eyes can’t lie and it was there for me to read. Even more than the beating itself, that simple truth was what I needed to know right now. It left me more relaxed and clear-headed than I’ve felt in weeks and instilled a sense of hope that I haven’t felt in months.

I need...

2009-11-23T21:47:00.002-06:00

I need to vent... A month in crisis mode is taking it's toll on me. My patience is extremely low and I'm much too easily frustrated today. It's been a rough day and the equalizing peace I normally take from performing my Monday rituals and tasks is nowhere to be found. The submissiveness inherent to those things is at odds with the dominance of my role at the moment and I'm unsettled by the feelings brought up by both.

I need a break. I need the constant push and pull to ease up a bit and let me breathe. I need someone to remind me that everything is going to turn out all right in the not too distant future. I don't want to have to deal with everything that needs to be dealt with, don't want to be the strong one every moment of every day. I need life to get back to something resembling normal...but normal is a very long way off since everything turned upside down a few weeks ago.

But the thing that I really need, the thing that would stabilize the current tilt of my world, is to be beaten. I need the reassurance and the reminder of place, the escape and catharsis of it...the release. I need to be pushed up to the brink of my limits and held there. And then, when I've taken more than I ever dreamed I could, I need to be kissed...and with my gaze imprisoned to ensure I can't doubt the truth of the statement, I need to be told that I'm a good girl.

crime and punishment

2009-11-04T21:56:00.005-06:00

Well, it's happened - I've finally earned and weathered my first punishment with Ma’am’s belt. It was my first punishment in 7 months...and nowhere near as terrible as I’d feared it would be. Ma’am didn’t whip me as hard as she could have (which she informed me of afterward) and I could never actually enjoy anything meted out as punishment...BUT I have to admit that under different circumstances I might actually enjoy being whipped with a belt...

It’s possible that I may have already earned myself additional treatment with Ma'am's belt but I’m not quite sure. Ma'am gave me a task last Wednesday with a one week timeline for completion. I rebelled against it immediately and asked Ma'am what would happen if I did not complete the task. Ma’am promised me that I would be punished if I did not do as she'd instructed.

Today marked the passing of the week - task incomplete. It’s a little uncertain whether actual disobedience is the culprit due to extenuating circumstances - approximately 36 hours after I’d been given the task, castrophe struck our personal lives and it has consumed us since. At the time I was given the task I had no intention of completing it but I have no idea if I would have succumbed to obedience or rebellion in the end. When I returned home from work this afternoon, I dutifully reported my failure to comply to Ma’am and admitted to her that I didn’t know if I would have completed the task regardless of recent events. Judgement is pending...

doubts and fears

2009-11-04T21:40:00.003-06:00

For months now, I’ve been feeling rather unsettled and dissonant in my relationship with Ma’am and my feelings of rebellion have continued to grow. I’ve been afraid that we may not be on the same path in exploring D/s, in particular the power exchange aspects, or that we are not compatible as Ma’am and girl. Wants (needs?) have gone unmet and there have been several broken promises throughout the duration of my time with Ma’am... all of this combined has affected the manner in which I submit and my perceptions of our D/s relationship, Ma’am’s authority, and prospects of our future in D/s in a negative way.

I spend a lot of time and effort keeping myself in check when it comes to acting out, pushing or testing Ma’am because I've learned that indulging these feelings never turns out the way I’d hoped. It usually serves to validate something I’d rather wasn’t validated and fills me with doubts. I fear my self-imposed inability to allow myself to indulge my rebellious thoughts and act out on occasion is a hindrance to my further development as a submissive. Even worse - I sometimes feel as if I submit more to myself than I do to my Ma’am and that the power exchange aspects of our relationship exist only in my head. I long to let go of this tight control of myself and have my Ma’am take charge of it. Each time I hold back provides further fuel to the fire of my internal rebellion and I worry that it will soon grow beyond my ability to control it.

Ma’am and I have recently talked about all of this and while I don’t exactly agree with her thoughts on what will ultimately make me feel better about our future, I’m trying to be patient, keep an open mind, and focus on what we have together now. She has also made it clear that she does not want me to continue to hold myself in check so tightly. The thought makes me uneasy and I’m not sure I can just stop. I’m afraid that if I do stop and continue to get away with the small displays of attitude or petulance and inappropriate (or lack of) responses that I a have gotten away with in the past, our D/s relationship will erode away to nothing.

feeling it

2009-09-12T23:01:00.005-05:00

I was still sore from my spankings when I woke up this morning and sitting on the sofa with my coffee was a slightly delicate process. It was challenging to find a comfortable position given the differing levels and areas of soreness left from two days of spanking but I have to admit that I’m loving every minute of it. I’m especially enjoying Ma’am’s reactions to both my fidgeting and viewing her marks.

When Ma’am wordlessly took my hand and led me into the bedroom before she had to leave for work I was a little nervous - the bedroom usually means heavier pain and the fact that I was already sore didn't seem to bode well for me. I was right to be nervous...with my jeans on the floor, Ma’am had me bend over the side of the bed while she went about providing a very hard spanking. In this position, I tend to get up on my toes when the pain is intense – and Ma’am had me there several times. Fortunately, Ma’am’s intent this morning had not been to further mark me – she wanted me to remain sore today so that I would think of her as I sat in the hard desk chair while I was working.

So far it has been a wonderful weekend – I am a well-contented and well-spanked girl who is looking forward to what tomorrow brings. My task for today was to purchase some fresh ginger…which I hope we will be using tomorrow!

twice marked

2009-09-12T22:00:00.008-05:00

As I mentioned yesterday, Ma’am was very pleased to have marked me on Thursday evening. And last night when her inspection proved that her marks were still there, I couldn’t help but laugh delightedly when I heard her triumphant chuckling coming from behind me. It has long been her frustration that my ever-resilient bottom does not retain evidence of her attentions and so it was no surprise a little later in the evening when she ordered me to drop my pants and assume the position.

Once I was settled over her lap, Ma’am spent some time admiring her handiwork with both her eyes and her hands. Her intentions were clearly evident - she was proud of her marks and she wanted to add to them. I could already see that the wooden spoon and tawes were within arms reach but there was something behind her back that she was hiding. It turned out to be a wide wooden hairbrush.

While both were enjoyable, Friday night’s spanking was a vastly different experience than Thursday’s. Still being sore in the places that Ma’am most likes to strike, it was more painful from the start. But when her attention turned toward pressing, pinching and squeezing my hot and sore bottom, the feeling was truly divine. I was so sensitive that even the softest caress resulted in shivers of pleasure down my spine. The unfortunate side effect was that the sensitivity made me less able to tolerate her harder strokes – especially from the hairbrush and spoon – and Ma’am found herself holding back.

The new marks she left were much more red and obvious than Thursday’s had been. When I showed them to her she seemed almost surprised, as if she hadn’t expected that she would be able to mark me 2 days in a row. But she was thrilled to see them...so much so that she took a few photos.

drop kick

2009-09-11T20:28:00.002-05:00

I don’t drop often and have never dropped as badly as I did earlier this week… my mood swings were so sudden and severe that they made me feel as if I was coming unhinged. Each day the mood swings became a little more frequent and of longer duration, my mental state a little murkier in the better moments. By Wednesday, my concentration was showing signs of strain and my only comfort was that in a few short hours I would finally be able to spend some much needed time with my Ma’am. So you can imagine how I felt when I received Ma’am’s text informing me that she would have to work and that I would be spending the evening alone. It was like a sucker punch and the emotional pendulum I’d been riding tossed me off into a sea of petulance and misery.

Despite not having seen me in a couple of days, Ma’am was well aware of what I had been going through. She knew that our aborted plans would likely have a detrimental effect on me and decided an intervention was in order. So she reminded me of how much she loves me and then stepped in and took control of my evening. Brief conversations provided instructions, tasks and an assignment to be completed – all designed to ensure that I took care of myself, to redirect my focus and to give me an opportunity to be of service. They were simple things when looked at individually. But combined into a greater whole, they achieved a significance and power which somehow managed to help me to reclaim my center and emotional balance. By the time I’d completed my first task, I could already feel the hold of the drop slackening. And by the time I took myself off to bed, the erratic excess emotion that had plagued me for days seemed to be just a memory.

On Thursday, Ma’am and I spent a pleasant and somewhat unusual evening together. We talked comfortably for hours about all manner of things and connected on level we hadn’t yet reached as Ma’am and girl. As the hour turned late, I noted with a playful pout that I had hoped the evening would include a beating. It wasn’t long before I was laid out over Ma’am’s lap, jeans and panties half-mast, fairly purring from the enthusiastic attention of Ma’am’s hands and her tawse. Amazingly enough, my too resilient bottom still bears her marks today – something Ma’am was mightily pleased with as they generally fade very quickly.

drop

2009-09-08T22:21:00.007-05:00

My professional life has gone into chaos – I’ve been working way too many hours and it’s been a demoralizing month or so where it seems almost everything that should be under control is not. The powers that be have been tinkering with the infrastructure again and just about everyone is overwhelmed by the volume of work and underwhelmed by management’s response to our plight. To say I’m a bit stressed is an understatement.

Predictably, the stress has been bringing out both submissive and masochistic tendencies that I’m sorry to say haven’t been able to have much free reign during this period. I’ve been craving discipline, a harsh hand and tighter control. Unfortunately, life and work have been getting in the way of my time with Ma’am. Pair that with an unfortunate misunderstanding with Ma’am during our last session and an inadvertent rebuff a couple of nights ago and you have very fertile ground for the emotional hijacking known as sub-drop.

I’ve been fighting it since Saturday evening but it’s a persistent boomerang that keeps coming back. Some moments I’m perfectly fine but others I’m plagued by a pervasive sadness and terrible thoughts that Ma’am is either no longer interested in me or not fully committed to our D/s relationship (both which I know not to be true in more logical moments). Last night it got so bad that I had to get out of bed in fear that the tears that were trembling just under the surface would wake her… the same tears that threatened to overtake me on my lunch break as the miserable emotions inside me tried to convince me that Ma’am had actually intended to reject me on Saturday evening.

Right now all I want is to curl up next to Ma’am’s feet and feel the soothing touch of her hands in my hair. Or be pulled across her lap and feel the bite of her hands coming down upon my naked ass. But I won't see her until tomorrow night...and thinking and yearning for this only makes the sadness more acute.

Sub-drop is an insidious and terrible thing - a form of torture that not even the most hardcore masochist can enjoy. And I am definitely not a hardcore masochist.

saturday

2009-09-08T22:12:00.006-05:00

There are 15 glass pebbles in the vase in our living room – representing the 15 swats I owe Ma’am for minor transgressions and lapses. It’s my responsibility to ask permission to trade in the pebbles and receive the punishment I’ve earned…but in the 3 months since the system went into effect I have yet to ask Ma’am for her discipline. I’ve been saving my pebbles. I go through periods where I crave more discipline and experience has shown that in those times I have a tendency to be more lax in my behavior and service. It seemed a good idea to save the pebbles for those times rather than risk acting up with Ma’am.

This past Saturday I had planned to finally kneel before Ma’am and ask her permission to redeem a number of the pebbles I’d earned. Since I hadn’t done this before, I wanted to be sure that I knew the ritual aspects of the asking and the proper protocol for accepting the punishment. I didn’t know if Ma’am would ask if I remembered the reasons I’d earned each of the pebbles and so I decided that I’d better memorize them as well. My memory is not always the best under pressure so I reviewed everything again and again. I kept coming back to it throughout the day to be sure I remembered – the result of which was that my craving for discipline and ritual had grown throughout the day. It sounds weird to say but I was looking forward to the opportunity to ask to redeem my pebbles.

I didn’t have anything special planned for dinner - I’d arranged for food to be delivered about half an hour after Eve was due home. I’d decided to wait a short while after we’d had dinner before going to Eve for 2 reasons – to allow her to rest and relax a bit and also to ensure that she didn’t have any plans for service that I didn’t yet know about.

While we waited for the delivery person to arrive, Eve came across a movie that she wanted to watch. It didn’t end very late so I decided I could wait until after the movie was over. The movie wasn’t bad but I couldn’t help being distracted as we watched. My mind continued to review process, protocol, and transgressions – and I slipped into my submissive headspace before I knew it. As the movie came to an end, I fell prey to a small bout of nerves and left the room to use the washroom. I'd thought that I would assume the proper position and make my request when I came back into the room…

This, of course, is where everything started to go wrong. Eve had found another movie to watch while I was out of the room. She seemed pretty eager to watch it – it was one she’d wanted to see for a long time. When I learned what time the movie ended I saw my hopes for the evening vanish. I wasn’t going to take Eve away from something she clearly wanted to enjoy. We have neighbors and it would be too late to make such noise after this new movie ended. The pebbles would stay in the vase tonight.

Eve turned off the TV and directed her attention to me as two things had perked her interest. I don’t usually ask her what time something ends when she sits down to watch TV and my disappointment at the ending time had been obvious. She thought I wanted to talk about something and wanted to know what it was. The TV was going to remain off until I came out with it.

It bears mentioning that in that moment Eve was my partner, not my Ma’am, and she was speaking to me as such. She didn’t know where my head was, didn’t realize that I was seeing both my Ma’am and my partner sitting before me wanting an answer that I didn’t know how to give. I hadn’t wanted to take her away from what she wanted to do to ask her for something that I wanted. It seemed selfish and inappropriate behavior. Besides, there is a ritual to asking for discipline - I’m not to just blurt it out. I was confused and conflicted – I couldn’t tell her what I was thinking and couldn’t not answer my Ma’am. So I kept trying to tell her that there was nothing I needed to talk about, trying to convince her to turn the TV back on…

For a while Eve’s attitude and queries seemed to indicate that she had a fair idea of what was on my mind. She seemed to be playing with me, taunting me, and a part of me was taking pleasure in it. I’d thought she was too - but then her attitude seemed to suddenly change leaving me feeling confused and rejected. I’m not sure either one of us knew what was going on at that point and things quickly began to spiral out of control.

Eve ended up angry which I couldn’t help emotionally reacting to more as her submissive than her partner. As she took the time she needed to calm down, the quiet had the opposite effect on me. My mind was in turmoil…the emotional responses fueled by my submission prodded me to a place where all I could see was rejection and responsibility for Ma’am’s anger and displeasure…

Sigh...not exactly the Saturday night I’d had in mind.

conflicted compliance

2009-09-05T17:41:00.006-05:00

I have this rule that for the better part of a year I hated. It was among the first given to me from my former Sir and upon receiving it I had a strong immediate reaction. It's not just that I didn't like what was being asked of me...I felt that it undermined my femininity and obeying it ran contrary to my personal feelings of what is appropriate in societal terms. I understand that my Sir had his reasons for the rule and he did share them with me when I asked him about them. Learning his reasons didn't make it any easier for me to accept his will but I resolved to do my best to accept and remain obedient in light of my personal feelings. It was my first real struggle in my submission, one I still haven’t resolved completely.

Ma'am made a lot of changes after Sir S left us and it had been my hope that this rule would be amended or eliminated. It wasn't. I'm fairly sure that Ma'am's reasons for keeping it in place are not the same as Sir S's but I've never asked her about it. It is her will and that should be enough for me to find acceptance and obedience. And yet it has not been enough to erase my personal struggle or the internal rebellion that seemed to continually flare. My obedience of this rule has always been more grudging and less complaisant and, although I didn't realize it, it came with a high personal cost.

Not long ago, as I began to gain a deeper understanding of obedience, I started to realize the price I was paying. My inability to accept Ma'am's will with an appropriate attitude, to be able to lay aside my conflicting personal feelings on the matter, and the resulting internal rebellion I nurtured had undermined my confidence in service and built a portion of my self esteem into a fragile house of cards. I had made personal decisions that I would have preferred not to in order to avoid what I felt were the worst implications of my rule until one of these decisions proved a major miscalculation – the outcome was something significantly less than I’d hoped for and the self esteem I hadn’t realized was so fragile came crashing down around me.

It was only after the cards fell and I spent a terrible week trying in vain to rebuild that I realized my own culpability. Until this point, it was easy to blame the rule I hated for whittling down my sense of femininity and self esteem. But it was even easier to overlook the fact that I never once divulged my personal feelings or my struggle and rebellion to my Ma’am. I knew that in order to move forward I needed to find a way to come to terms with my rule. I needed to find the silver lining - something to hold onto that would give me some measure of peace with my obedience. Once found, I would be able to obey with a more appropriate manner and attitude and would eliminate some of my struggle. But first I needed to know why I’d never found a way to speak up about how following this rule made me feel.

The reason was easy enough to identify when I finally went looking for it – following this rule made me feel something else that I’d never quite consciously realized. It made me feel Ma’am’s control - something I’d craved and felt predominantly uncertain of. There was nowhere else in our D/s relationship, nothing else that Ma’am asked or expected of me, that made me feel her control as keenly as I did when facing this terrible rule on a daily basis. I realized that even when that control chafed, it put me in touch with and helped to deepen my sense of submission. There it was – the silver lining.

Almost a year after it was first given to me, I was able to find a much needed measure of peace with Rule 3. I still don’t like the rule but my struggle and feelings of rebellion have greatly diminished since I’ve identified a positive aspect to its existence. I’ve been able to change my attitude from grudging obedience into a more complaisant obedience that is more respectful of my Ma’am and her will - which has shown me glimmers of the contentment and joy that obedience can bring. Someday, I hope to be able to say that my struggle is gone entirely...right now, though, I am content with what I have overcome, what I have learned, and how I have improved the manner of my obedience for my Ma’am.

dichotomy

2009-08-18T07:00:00.010-05:00

Despite my current focus on improving myself, or perhaps in direct relation to it, I seem to have a growing rebellious undercurrent within me these days. Before I know it, my thoughts are idly flirting with disobedience and, to make matters worse, I've developed a consuming curiosity as to what the consequences would be of indulging certain of my rebellious thoughts...

I wouldn't dream of consciously acting upon these thoughts - I do not want to land myself in trouble with Ma'am - but my fear is that my unconscious mind will prod me into doing things I would otherwise know better than to do and that I will soon find myself in trouble despite my good intentions...

365 days

2009-07-19T15:22:00.009-05:00

A couple of days ago, Ma'am and I celebrated our first D/s anniversary. Today a few thoughts on what I have learned in my first year:

Actually giving up control and learning to submit was much more challenging and involved than I'd thought it would be...and every bit as rewarding and fulfilling as I'd hoped it would be. I am now more sure than ever that I have chosen the right path.

A deep seated desire to please does not automatically make you a good submissive. Surely it helps. But sometimes such a desire to please can make you see failure where there is none and complicates matters. Focusing on imagined faults can blind you to what actually DOES please your dominant.

The challenges of service are multi-faceted and varied – and can change from moment to moment. Something that has been easy in the past can suddenly prove to be difficult for no apparent reason. And vice versa.

Compliance and obedience are not the same thing. Compliance is simply doing what you are told. Obedience covers a much broader spectrum – from the manner in which you comply to what exactly you choose to comply with. Intuition and understanding are crucial parts of being fully obedient.

Obedience is not always easy – many times not, in fact - but it would not be as valued or fulfilling if what is asked of you is exactly what you are comfortable giving. Finding a way to obey on those occasions when compliance is more difficult for you can open a door to growth and learning that is unparalleled.

I am not, and will probably never be, the girl that I'd expected I would become by now. The process of becoming takes its own time and can't be rushed. More importantly, the girl I am becoming is the girl that Ma'am envisions, not the girl that I saw in my head when I first began exploring this part of myself.

doing the right thing

2009-07-08T20:54:00.006-05:00

Ma'am and I were going through some things the other night, gathering up items that we'd planned on getting rid of. I came across an old belt that I couldn't wear anymore and started to head over to the donation pile. As I looked down at the worn thick leather, I realized that this was a belt made for punishment and it occurred to me that this was probably the belt that Ma'am intended to use when the time inevitably comes. The obedient girl in me knew what I had to do...despite the fact that I did not need permission to get rid of something that belongs to me, I knew I should seek permission before giving the belt away. If Ma'am had had her eye on it, she'd be very disappointed to learn of it's loss when the time came to use it.

“Ma'am, do we need to keep this old belt for any reason?” I asked, holding the belt out to show her. I prayed that she'd say no. The leather was too thick not to pack a serious punch.

Ma'am paused in her work for only a moment. “No, stick it in the pile,” she told me without hesitation.

I turned and began walking over to the pile, a moment's relief to be rid of it. And yet as I went to drop it on the pile I found that I couldn't. I sighed. Clearly Ma'am didn't realize what she had given me permission to do. I turned back, belt still in hand, and walked back over to her.

“Are you sure we want to get rid of it?” The words didn't exactly come easy, “Um, I mean, when the need arises, do you have a belt to punish me with, Ma'am?”

“You have one I intend to use...Wait. Let me see that.”

Finally Ma'am realized what I was asking her. The belt never made it to the pile and has now been transferred into her possession.

Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing. Even the “good girl” I received is somewhat cold comfort when I think about being punished with that belt...

avoidance and forgiveness

2009-07-08T20:00:00.005-05:00

For the past several weeks, I haven't been able to write much. Every time I sat down at the computer or picked up my journal I suddenly became listless and my mind would go blank. There were words, thoughts, feelings just under the surface and somehow I just couldn't get to them. It didn't bother me at first, it happens from time to time, but as the days stretched into weeks I realized that I was indulging in a classic avoidance maneuver. There was something on my mind, something I needed to give voice and attention to, and until I did nothing else was going to be written.

To say that I didn't know what I was avoiding isn't entirely accurate. At one point I traced back the timing of my block and pinpointed a likely suspect. I'd had an unexpectedly emotional response to some of the contents of an email from a friend – a resumed thread of conversation relating to something that happened half a year ago. His insights and questions opened a wound I'd thought was closed and brought with it a pain that was every bit as intense as the original wounding. I REALLY didn't want that to be the thing I was avoiding so I convinced myself it must be something else. Until I realized that I still hadn't answered that email. Was, in fact, avoiding it too.

So now, eight days before the anniversary of the day that he told me he wanted to be my Master, I'll admit to the fact that six months after he left us I hadn't yet fully faced up to the reality of my feelings about Sir S and the disparity between the dominant/man I thought he was and the dominant/man he proved to be. I hadn't wanted to believe what I knew to be true – that I was not as important to him as he was to me, that he did not love me as I loved him, that the bond between us was rather one-sided. I didn't want to face my own dismay at the bond I still sometimes feel and my feelings of responsibility for having brought him and the pain he caused into our lives.... I didn't want to believe or feel any of this so I pushed it deep inside and ignored it as best I could until the day I came face to face with it in my inbox.

It may be a while yet before all of my hurts have fully healed but they are no longer open wounds. I walked back through the fire of my pain and finally obtained a certain peace with it all. Once again I have grieved – not for the loss of Sir S this time but for the loss of the illusions I clung to and the reality of a relationship comprised of unrequited love, disrespect and lack of commitment. I've forgiven Sir S for the pain he intentionally caused and I've forgiven myself.

For the record, I don't regret choosing Sir S as my dominant. I learned a lot from him and have memories that I will always treasure. It doesn't really matter if he wasn't who I thought he was or whether I was important to him. He was my Sir and he was important to me. I gave him my submission and he gave it back to me a changed and deeper thing. But most importantly, he gave me the most special and unexpected gift of all – he gave me Ma'am.

ball gag training, session five

2009-06-10T22:03:00.002-05:00

Session 5 of my gag training was last night and things went well....erm, mostly. I surprised Ma'am and I both by how well I took to the gag last night. I managed to stay calm and serene despite the repeat occurrence of the activity that provided such harsh pain in my prior session and until “the incident” panic and fear were nowhere to be found. I was proud of myself and happy with my progress and even allowed myself to drool without immediately wiping it up!

Since I was doing so well, Ma'am decided to up the ante. She'd been playing with me idly for a while and wanting to add more pleasurable stimulation to the pain I was already feeling, she slid her hand under my skirt. She had me moaning and writhing in no time, gag all but forgotten until I realized that I had no clear means of requesting permission to cum. I did, however, find a suitable way to make my plea clear and I think my orgasm began before the words “you may” had fully passed her lips.

I didn't find it difficult to cum this first time in the gag and promptly forgot about it again as Ma'am brought me higher and higher. By the time Ma'am gave her consent to my second orgasm, I was fully lost in pleasure. As I tumbled over the edge of the abyss, I tilted my head back in ecstasy...and began violently choking on my own saliva.

It was a horrible, terrifying end to the session. I'm grateful for Ma'am - she had me ungagged in no time flat and provided endless comfort as I clung to her for some time afterward, trying to shake off the fear of the experience. Needless to say, I'm not exactly looking forward to Session 6 at this point.

Stupid, stupid girl – almost drowned herself by forgetting she was gagged....

psycholgical effects

2009-06-10T20:56:00.004-05:00

Last night Ma'am brought me into the bedroom, had me bend over the side of the bed. She seemed to be in a quieter mood than usual – dispatching quick instructions for me take the position she wanted before lifting my skirt and murmuring a compliment about the new panties I was wearing. Few words passed her lips and a couple of appreciative caresses were the only preamble she provided before sliding my panties down and beginning to firmly spank me.

After she'd provided a bit of color, Ma'am had me spread my legs for her. She rested her hand on the small of my back as first one and then two fingers slipped inside me. They danced around for a moment, searching for moisture, and while they did find some it was much less than expected. A disappointing discovery. And, of course, Ma'am commented on it.

I'll pause here for a moment. I know what you're thinking – I'm a girl who loves a good spanking, how is it possible that I disappointed my Ma'am in such a way? The answer is a little complicated but also quite simple...I didn't know it was permissible to take pleasure in this particular spanking.

When Ma'am led me into the bedroom, I didn't know what to expect. There were elements of this session that were a departure from our norm and the location and position Ma'am had me take were those I take when I am being punished. They're rarely used together any other time. And although the other aspects of my punishment ritual were not present, Ma'am's first strikes were more firm than usual. I was confused...it didn't really feel like a pleasure spanking. The overarching feeling was that I was being punished and so that is where my mind went. And my mind took my body with it.

I never find arousal during punishment – punishment is always an intense and heavily emotional thing for me. There is no place for pleasure in it...and so I didn't feel pleasure during this spanking. When Ma'am made her disappointment at not finding me wet from her attention known, in a way it validated that I was being punished. (Yes, I realize that's somewhat twisted...)

What is even more interesting, though, is that as things progressed there came a point when finally I knew without a doubt that I was not being punished. It was like throwing a switch – freed from the mental constraints of punishment, my body suddenly and quickly began to react. Pleasure surged through and I was suddenly a very wet girl begging for permission to cum...

training update

2009-06-08T21:40:00.005-05:00

I've had four training sessions with the gag so far and on the whole I believe I'm starting to acclimate to it. While I seem to continue to have some difficulties in my initial acceptance of the gag, I've gotten better at wearing it for an extended period and my panic episodes have diminished in frequency. I've come to terms with the fact that I will drool while wearing it (although I still find it rather distasteful) and made strides in fighting the compulsion to swallow. This, I think, is my most important progress as my inability to swallow properly is one of my main triggers for panicking.

Ma'am has varied each of my training sessions and introduced different positions and different methods of pain and stimulation into each. In my last session, I wore the gag tightly for the first time. A different and harsher pain than previous sessions was incorporated and one of my big fears was realized – crying while gagged. This is something I was very afraid to experience - I didn't think I'd be able to deal with crying in a gag. The very idea of it instilled intense fears of choking and suffocation. Fears I hope I'll be able to put behind me now that I've gone through the first experience.

It hadn't been part of Ma'am's plan to bring me to tears... There came a point when I knew that they were coming and I wouldn't be able to stop them. I began to breathe deeply and rapidly, trying to be calm and trying to push my rising fear aside. Ma'am could see I was struggling and was very encouraging – the sound of her voice helped to anchor me and soothe a bit of the edge. And as my tears loomed ever closer I put the full force of my focus on trying not to fight them, resisting the urge to compulsively swallow as I normally do when trying not to cry.

And then they came.

I sought Ma'am's eyes when they started to fall – saw a flash of surprise and the tenderness they held as she gently wiped them away. I was suddenly, and strangely, calm. These were quiet, gentle tears with no distress. A detached part of my mind wondered idly when my airflow would be cut off, wondered how I was so calm on the cusp of such great fear, but I was untouched by it. I was drooling a lot...but that didn't seem to matter to me either.

Shortly after the tears had run their course, my nose plugged up and I felt my fear creep back in. I could breathe around the gag but I wasn't getting enough air. I signed to Ma'am that I needed the gag removed and bowed my head as she unfastened the strap. Once removed, I blew my nose and took a few deep, deep breaths to prove to myself that I could breathe. I was ready to resume my allotted time. I put the gag back in my mouth and bowed my head for Ma'am to refasten it. When I looked again into Ma'am's eyes, I saw her pride and had to close my eyes for a moment. I still don't have words for how I felt in that moment...

I don't know what caused the tears. It could have been a form of release from the pain and heavy emotion that I'd recently made my way through. It could have been the pain itself or something I haven't begun to understand yet about the depth of my feelings of submission. What I do know is that these tears were important and cathartic. It was the first time that I barely registered the drooling (and was unconcerned about it when I did) and the release they provided allowed me to continue wearing the gag in a more peaceful state, somehow purged of some of those things that get in the way.

the loophole

2009-06-01T21:12:00.003-05:00

Last week I discovered that in following my rules it is possible to follow the letter of the law and yet not the spirit of it. The possibility that I could be technically in compliance and but not actually compliant had never occurred to me before. It's gotten me to thinking and, just maybe, understanding a thing or two about my service a little better.

I have inspection on Tuesday evenings and so on Monday, as I do every week, I made a quick check of my manicure. My nails looked fine to me and I decided that there was no need to touch them up or re-do them. But Tuesday morning, in better light, I realized that they looked a little worse for wear. They weren't going to pass inspection and I've had one warning about them before. I wasn't exactly eager to learn Ma'am's reaction to a repeat offense during inspection.

When it came time for lunch, I ran out to the drug store and purchased nail polish remover and a bottle of quick dry polish. An hour really isn't enough time for a proper manicure but I needed to make due. Off went the old polish and on went the new. I used the fan in my car to help dry them but when I looked them over again I discovered in horror that the polish had dried streaky. My nails looked terrible and there was no time to start again.

Enter a quandary.

My nails were polished – which is exactly what my rule states. And yet it didn't make sense that just having them polished was all that there was to the rule. It would seem that the spirit of the rule, the reason behind it, is that Ma'am wants my nails to look pretty for her. And a bad manicure is definitely not pretty. So, yes, I was technically in compliance to the wording of my rule but probably not in compliance to its true meaning.

What to do? If I was right, and I was pretty sure that I was, I was most certainly in error and had something to confess when I got home. But I wasn't quite sure what...was I assuming too much? Is it even possible to be both in and out of compliance at the same time? Have I been missing a key part of understanding what it means to be obedient all of this time or was I being too philosophical?

The difficult and uncomfortable decision: should I leave my nails as they were (which was obedient and technically compliant) or remove the new polish and leave my nails bare (which was prettier and compliant to the spirit of my rule)? Which would be the lesser of two evils – which would Ma'am be more pleased with?

I considered my options for the rest of the afternoon. I would have to commit to a decision and see it through but I didn't like either choice. Any way you added it up the equation included something that Ma'am wouldn't like. Trying to determine the level of her displeasure and repercussion served no purpose. It wouldn't change the fact that my manicure wasn't what it should be, wasn't what Ma'am wanted.

There were a couple of other options... I could exploit the loophole if it came down to it. I could argue that my rule doesn't specify anything about them being nicely polished. I could fein ignorance - pretend I hadn't noticed how bad they looked and wait for her to point it out. If the light was the same as it had been the evening before it was entirely possible that Ma'am might not notice how bad they looked. These options just didn't feel right to me – they're dishonest and designed to try to get me out of trouble.

In the end, I decided to leave my nails as they were and come clean about the state I considered them to be in. There was, after all, a chance that my assumption about the meaning of my rule was incorrect and, even if it wasn't, bare nails seemed dangerously close to willful disobedience. I would discuss with Ma'am what full compliance of this rule meant and be prepared for whatever discipline she saw fit without invoking a loophole defense. It was the only decision I could make and it was the right one.

In the future, to better serve and please my Ma'am, I think I need to be less literal and take a fuller, more dimensional approach in my thinking. I must look past the surface and understand not only what is stated but also what is meant. I don't believe it's enough to simply follow the stated rules – to be fully obedient I must also understand the meaning and spirit of what she asks of me and take direction not only from what is indicated but also by what is meant.

training begins

2009-05-27T20:37:00.005-05:00

Last night I began gag training – something of a necessity as Ma'am and I are working on increasing my pain tolerance and have been delving into heavier and more sustained pain than I can easily (and quietly!) take. While I've used a ball gag before, I don't tolerate them well and become distressed and panicked after only a short period of time wearing one. Because of this, Ma'am usually chooses to gag me with a bandana between my teeth and it isn't very effective in helping to dampen the noise. This past weekend we bought a beginner's ball gag. Our first use didn't go as well as we'd hoped and so Ma'am has decided that training is the best way to help me get used to it.

Ma'am thought it would be best to start me out under the least intense situation she could think of – sitting on the sofa. I was to wear it loosely for 3 half-hour periods with ample breaks in between and had been given permission to spit it out if it became too much for me. I was determined not to, of course, and Ma'am and I both knew it.

I can't say how many times I fought against the panic, for a while it seemed an almost continual thing, but Ma'am was there with me the entire time – watching over me, comforting my distress - her soothing hands caressing my thigh or smoothing my hair. She kept telling me how well I was doing and how proud she was of me, reminding me that she loves me and maintaining eye contact through the worst moments. Her obvious pleasure and pride gave me courage and strength that helped me to calm myself and the simple kindness of providing me with tissues to wipe away the drool instilled a sense of gratitude and love distinctly out of proportion to the act.

I had thought (hoped?) my evening's training was complete when I made it through my second round – a particularly difficult and drooly time in which I'd started to choke and my panic reached fever pitch. My heart sank when she she told me she wanted me to go one more round and I didn't know how I'd ever be able to do it. My voice was small and pathetic when I told her that I was ready. Improperly – but she forgave the protocol lapse.

The lapse, and particularly Ma'am's silent yet clear acknowledgement of it, helped me to move my focus from my fear and impending suffering to a more appropriate place. It reminded me of my place and my duty to be obedient to her will. And it proved to me that she was paying attention...she was watching me as she had been all night and I knew that she wouldn't let anything happen to me. Ma'am wanted 30 more minutes so I opened my mouth to receive the gag and gave them to her.

The most surprising thing was the variety of powerful emotions I went through during the course of the evening. Behind and between the panic and distress there were feelings of helplessness and humiliation, the undeniable revelation of Ma'am's control and my bending to her will, my struggle for obedience in the face of my fear, the reward of Ma'am's pleasure and pride...and even arousal. I felt my submission stretch and deepen, felt the need to bow to it – the need to bow to the woman before me whom I fought against fear to please, and I sank to the floor by her feet to receive her pleasure and her comfort.

This was not an experience or lesser intensity as intended but rather more intense because I felt every nuance of it - unhindered, undistracted, and undiluted...

dream a little dream

2009-05-13T22:13:00.005-05:00

I'm exhausted and stressed...working long and crazy hours as the clock winds down to a major deadline at the end of the week. I'm usually very good at managing my stress but at times like these, when my work virtually eliminates my free time, stress starts to take effect. I'm having trouble sleeping and last night was the worst. The hours ticked by as I lay futilely trying to turn off my mind and get some rest. I was up half the night and woke very early from a dream that that made it hard to get back to sleep...it had aroused me so much and set my mind spinning the moment that consciousness crept in. I spent another couple of hours in tormented wakefulness lamenting my rule that restricts personal playtime without express permission...

That dream was so hard to get out of my head and still has some effect on me as I think about it now. I'd come home from work late, having forgotten to call and my Ma'am was waiting for me. But this version of Ma'am was very different – she was....stern....unrelenting. There the moment I walked in the door, ordering me to my knees to receive my service collar. She delivered a most effective scolding for my negligence as I knelt in the foyer and fairly dragged me into the bedroom by my hair when she had said her piece. Once there she pushed me firmly over the side of the bed and held me down with her knee, face planted in the mattress and bottom raised up, as she yanked my jeans down in record time. And then her belt was in her hand and she beat me so hard and fast that I almost couldn't keep up the proper count.

But Ma'am was not yet done with me – she'd decided that day that I needed to begin training and put me through unfamiliar paces for what seemed like hours. She watched me complete instruction after instruction, providing instant and painful correction each time I hesitated or failed to follow her instruction as expected. As I repeated my motions over and over, each time seeking to improve upon the last attempt, I lost myself in my tasks and achieved a grace I never thought I could possess. Finally she was satisfied, proud of and pleased with her girl, and by way of reward she took me roughly in the way she knows I like best and told me to cum for her...

Ah, this dream is so very telling...stress brings out my rougher side. It reveals the desire to lose myself in my submission and intensifies my ever present yearnings for control and discipline...I'm looking forward to my dreams tonight. :)

the currency of punishment

2009-05-11T22:29:00.003-05:00

A new disciplinary policy went into effect this weekend – a system to track and provide correction for my smaller transgressions, those that Ma'am feels need to be dealt with yet do not warrant a strapping. The policy was inspired by a blog post we found on the web that Ma'am took a particular liking to.

Glass pebbles and stars have now become the currency of my punishment. In the middle of our living room an empty vase stands, flanked by two smaller vessels containing blue glass pebbles and translucent yellow stars. Each pebble placed in the vase will represent one firm swat to my bottom, earned by misconduct, improper focus, lapses of attention, or when Ma'am feels I am in need of a reminder. The little glass stars represent amnesty. If I am lucky enough to earn one of those, I may, with Ma'am's permission, remove a pebble from the vase and be forgiven a swat I'd previously earned.

It's a pretty arrangement with a less than pretty side. When I look at it, I don't see a jumble of pretty colored glass but a reminder to be well behaved and appropriately obedient. But I am reminded that my Ma'am loves me enough to provide discipline and additional motivation when I need it. And once the vase is no longer empty... I will be reminded of the ways I need to improve and that I do, in fact, need my Ma'am's discipline.

I wonder what my Ma'am sees when she looks upon the pebbles and stars?

perception and communication

2009-05-09T13:35:00.005-05:00

I've been mulling over the value and role of perception in power exchange and D/s. It seems to me that perception is an element that can be both beneficial and detrimental to a relationship. It can lead to either a building up or a breaking down of control and obedience. But I have to wonder if in a PE relationship perception plays a more important or central role within the dynamic than I'd originally realized. Certainly there are times it helps matters but aren't there often times that it is a hindrance as well?

My role as a submissive dictates a certain approach to things that is radically different than how I approach them in my every day life. For example, if I perceive something negatively within my marriage I am more the type to immediately get it out in the open. I confront the issue head on with my partner so that misunderstandings and misconceptions don't cloud matters and foster negativity. But as a submissive, if I perceive something as negative within the confines of our D/s relationship, I generally approach it as something I must accept and get used to. I rarely confront the issue with my dominant. I may ask some clarifying questions to try to verify my perception but this is not always enough to validate or alter my perception.

Generally, when things aren't entirely clear, whether something is true or based on truth doesn't seem to have as much weight as what I perceive it to be. And, on occasion, my perception has led me to feel discontented or uneasy about my future path. So, at what point do perception and role hinder communication and/or erode a relationship? I realize communication is important and yet the structure of PE seems to muddy the waters for me as to which things are up for discussion and which should merely be met with acceptance and obedience...

introspection and mentorship

2009-05-09T12:03:00.004-05:00

It's no secret – I'm a fairly introspective girl. I'm not sure if it's natural progression – that I've reached a point where I'm not constantly mulling over every facet of what I'm doing wrong or that submission has changed my focus to be less inward – but lately I've noticed a more broad-based bend to my ponderings. It seems that more often than not these days when I have the time to write I'm mulling over more general topics or concepts related to service and submission, filling pages in trying to answer questions that inevitably spawn other questions or trying to figure out how I feel about something and not really getting anywhere.

Most of what I've learned so far has been the result of my own inner examinations. It's been a difficult path on occasion and there have been so many times that I've felt adrift, as if I'm stumbling around in the dark as I try to figure out how to be and how to behave. I've had my “a-ha” moments and epiphanies but many of these revelations have been hard won and left me feeling stupid for not sooner grasping something that later seems so obvious or basic a tenet.

I've begun to wonder if maybe I would benefit from a mentor. I have mixed thoughts about mentoring – my Ma'am's experience with it proved to be more of an example of how not to mentor someone and left her largely feeling frustrated and exasperated. I'm also not sure how my having a mentor would mesh with or affect my current service situation. Or, even, how to go about finding a suitable mentor...

I'd love to hear from those who've had some experience with mentorship...anyone have any thoughts on the topic?

over her knee

2009-05-03T17:03:00.004-05:00

Last night, in appreciation of my preparing her a special dinner, Ma'am took me over her knee for the most delightful spanking! It's been ages since she's spanked me this way...more often than not lately it's been her pleasure to string me up and have her way with flogger, crop or cane. And while I do enjoy my time on the hook, I've missed the intimacy of being taken over her lap for a leisurely and sensual spanking.

When she gave me that look and patted the sofa next to her, I couldn't get over her lap fast enough. She spent a good amount of time caressing and grabbing my eager bottom before lowering my panties and by the time she'd delivered the first spank I felt like I was in heaven...

learning

2009-05-02T11:43:00.005-05:00

I was up far too early this morning and spent my early hours with coffee and discovering a few new blogs. I ran across an interesting post by the Thinking Dominant entitled, “Teaching". He writes:

“Who 'teaches'? Take for example the submissive [who] is more experienced than the dominant. Can the sub teach from the bottom? Should the Dom look to other Doms? Perhaps finding a mentor or start at the bottom?”

This post echoes my own questions as a submissive. Questions that relate not only to how I can become a better girl to my Ma'am but also to how I can best use my experience and perspective to help my Ma'am to learn and further develop her identity as a dominant.

Although I have a touch more experience than my Ma'am in this world, we are both somewhat new to it. There have been many moments where we've both felt as if we were stumbling around in the dark, trying and failing to figure out how to be what we are. We've both had “a-ha” moments relevant to our respective roles but for the most part they are hard won and take far longer to realize than we'd like.

For those of us who are newer to this world, what's the best way to learn outside the scope of your own experience? How does one go about finding a mentor or connecting with those who are willing and interested in teaching others?

disciplinary fantasies

2009-04-27T21:14:00.006-05:00

Last Tuesday, Ma'am sent me to work in my street collar. It was a punishment day and her intent was to ensure I achieved the proper attitude of contrition as it had been quite a while since that punishment had been earned. She wanted me to remember and to reinforce my state of mindfulness. Wearing her collar did it's intended job...frequently throughout the day my thoughts turned toward the “memory lapse” that led to the evening's business and my continued reflections on hidden motivations and leniency.

But what was unexpected were the little snippets of fantasy that came to me throughout the day. All were related to discipline – receiving a firm scolding as I knelt before my Ma'am, looking up into her eyes from my position on the floor; being thrown over her knee without warning for a spanking so hard and fast that proper counting is an impossibility; displaying my hot and reddened bottom for her with my panties half mast and jeans around my ankles.... Each of these moments pulled me from my sense of contrition into a place made more of excitement and arousal – which, I think, is not precisely the effect that Ma'am wanted to evoke.

Disciplinary fantasies, of course, are quite a different thing than punishment. They are uncolored by the emotion punishment brings with it as a matter of course. Within the framework of actual punishment my pleasant little daytime fantasies would not be arousing at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

What this seems to tell me, though, is that my craving for more regular discipline and tighter control is something that continually lurks just below the surface of my mind. And if I'm not careful and diligent, it is very likely that these desires will continue to lead me off the path of obedience.

crime and punishment

2009-04-22T22:18:00.006-05:00

This week my thoughts have turned toward crime and punishment – a direct by product of Ma'am informing me that the delayed punishment I earned several weeks ago would happen on Tuesday evening. I seem to fall into distinct patterns where my “crimes” are concerned and I'm currently in a cycle of one punishable transgression every 4 weeks. Per usual, when I take notice of a pattern I'm driven to poke and prod at it until I find out what's behind it.

I think that what lies behind the pattern to my transgression is that after a period when things are going well with Ma'am I start to crave discipline. I want to feel her control tighten, want to feel more submissive. I feel a need to be taken firmly (sometimes harshly) in hand and to be reminded of my place in a way that leaves no room for doubt.

I don't receive any type of maintenance discipline and am not in training at the moment so when this type of mood comes upon me it tends to stick around. For the most part, I'm well behaved and very focused on pleasing my Ma'am so I wouldn't consciously disobey her wishes or try to provoke a display of her dominance. So it might just be that unconsciously I am seeking a confirmed and relatively safe way to get that. Suddenly, I'm less mindful and realize that I've forgotten to do something that is part of weekly ritual or have done something forbidden throughout the course of the day. I've broken one of Ma'am's rules so I know I will be punished and receive the discipline and tighter control that I'm craving but I didn't really engage in willful disobedience so it is “safe.” The downside of this is that I've caused displeasure to my Ma'am and, well, I'm to be punished which has a much more negative connotation than discipline.

It's been 28 days since I've last transgressed – will recognizing the reason behind the pattern be enough to break it?

submission as a tool for growth

2009-04-19T14:58:00.015-05:00

This past week I spent some time reflecting on the role and influence of choice and acceptance in submission and how what I've learned in these areas carries through into everyday life. I choose to submit to my Ma'am – it is a choice I made months ago when I entered her service that I renew every day when I recite my morning mantra and follow the rules she has outlined for me. I try hard to be good and obedient even when I don't agree with her wishes but learning to respond appropriately was a very challenging lesson for this rather strong-willed girl to learn.

Submission has taught me a lot about acceptance and the importance and value in appropriately accepting those things that I don't agree with, don't like, or don't want to do. As a submissive, I may disagree with my dominant but it is my responsibility to behave and respond with appropriate poise and grace in all situations. Learning to accept what I would not choose for myself has revealed to me a strength I didn't know that I possessed and has provided fulfillment I didn't expect. It has helped me to grow not only as a submissive but as a person as well.

This growth area was put to an extreme test mid-week in my professional life. When faced with a challenging situation and unreasonable person who was determined to provoke an unprofessional response from me with an unjustified personal attack, my submission turned out to be my secret weapon. Under fire, I made the choice to remain calm, poised, and professional. I was able to accept his unprofessional behavior with a level of grace that I was proud of and resisted the urge to join the confrontation. It is a claim I could not have made a year ago and one I credit fully to my journey into submission.

moving in

2009-04-18T09:43:00.005-05:00

Up until recently, I've kept a blog on an on-line BDSM site. I joined the site some time ago and my first steps as a submissive last year were chronicled and shared there. After entering service, I remained a member of the site and continued to keep my blog there primarily because I wanted to connect with the larger online community and forge new friendships.

I've come to re-evaluate that decision over the past several weeks. Aside from a notable few, most of those who contacted me there were looking for something other than friendship and the support and discussions that I'd hoped my blog would facilitate never quite materialized. So I decided to move my blog out into the wider world and have been doing so over the past week.

I'm still in the process of getting settled and unpacking the boxes but please feel free to stop by and read some of my past posts. New posts will be coming soon, including a bit of history about myself and my journey.

Welcome to sub*conscious...a little corner of the web dedicated to sharing, growth, learning and connection as I make my way down the path of service and submission.

pondering leniency

2009-04-04T21:58:00.005-05:00

Last week after I failed to completely follow one of my rules, I did something I've never done – I begged for leniency. Ma'am was as surprised by my plea as she was by my confessed misbehavior. But after careful consideration and some pointed discussion she granted it and spared me punishment with the belt. The problem is this – while I am grateful and relieved to have been afforded leniency, my having asked for it doesn't sit well with me. Even while I was doing it I realized that I was doing it out of fear and it didn't take long for a feeling of “wrongness” to settle over me. Had I been able to take it back, I would have...and yet in that moment I could do nothing else.

So for the past week or so I've been pondering the following - - Is begging for leniency an appropriate response to a transgression that earns punishment?

Should I have merely confessed and done my best to quietly accept what was coming with as much grace as I could muster?
Have I somehow diminished myself as a submissive in making a cowardly and selfish choice?

From the way I've been feeling, I'm pretty certain that I won't ask for leniency again any time soon. But I'd like to hear what others have to say on the topic. Is there a time and a place to ask for leniency in submission? If so, when is it appropriate and when is it not?

out of compliance

2009-03-25T22:04:00.002-05:00

Just last night Ma'am was remarking on how good a girl I have been. Now, I have to say had been. Somehow I managed to forget a portion of one of my weekly rules today and had to report to her that I was out of compliance. Sigh...it is fully beyond my comprehension how one can suddenly forget to do something that is part of a regular schedule.

Ma'am also informed me last night that she is retiring her paddle as her preferred implement of punishment. What she has in mind for future punishments is something that I have been nervous about since I gave her the knowledge of exactly how effective a punishment it is – the belt. In all of my experience, a belt is the one thing has been exclusively used as a tool of punishment and the psychological effects on me are intense. I knew she would chose it eventually and I've thought with dread about the first time she punishes me with it. Now, it may well be upon me.

I've been wrapped in nerves all night...hoping that the time has not come, that today's transgression is not the one that has earned me this punishment...

Saturday's torment

2009-03-17T20:26:00.002-05:00

Saturday, strung up for Ma'am, such delicious torment in store for me...

It was a couple of hours before we had to leave for our planned evening out. She had told me that she wanted to add some color to my shoulders and bottom but she had another plan that I didn't know anything about. So there I was, strung up and naked for her, my most sensitive places the objects of her complete attention.

Ma'am's caress – sometimes soft and lingering and sometimes insistent and forceful – mixed with the varied sensations of her crop, flogger and spoon. Her rhythm and build were perfect and I was primed to take everything she could give me and maybe a little more.

Again and again she teased me, bringing me up to the very edge of orgasm only to pull back and replace that sensuous touch with something more harsh – a pinched nipple, a kiss from her crop, the lick of the lash. Each time she checked I was wetter than the last...every inch of my skin so sensitive that the most gentle touch caused a rippling effect of quivering and shuddering from deep inside. I was fairly vibrating with a raw and powerful need...but Ma'am's plan had been to bring me to precisely that state and to leave me wanting for the rest of the evening.

I whimpered when she helped me down and told me to put on my street clothes...but I was a good girl who did her very best to put her aching need aside and dutifully went out to pick up dinner.

a perfect moment

2009-03-15T14:28:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, another new experience - I found my way into subspace. Interestingly enough I didn't realize I had been there until I was trying to come out of it. Re-entry turned out to be a rather slow process...

Having been the first and an entirely unexpected trip, I don't plan on writing about that today. What I want to share is simply this – as I began to come back to my Ma'am and to the world, wrapped in a warm blanket with my head in her lap, I knew the perfection of a moment and that this is - without a doubt – the place that I was meant to be.

lacking coherent thought

2009-03-13T19:27:00.002-05:00

It's been hard to write lately...a lot of things have happened since my last post. Choosing what to write about has been difficult because there's so much going on in my head...mostly all hinging on the events of one 48 hour period.

The weekend before last there was a fundamental change in the dynamic of my relationship with Ma'am. It was unexpected and sudden (to me, at least) and it left me feeling somewhat confused and nervous. On the eve of this change, Ma'am installed a hook in our bedroom and for the first time I was cuffed with my hands above my head and blindfolded. This experience, combined with the fact that Ma'am unequivocally took control for the first time, propelled me into a deeper state of submission than I've ever reached before. But it also brought strong feelings of helplessness and fear that I had difficulty processing and understanding. It was very affecting and I didn't take enough care in communicating what I was going through with my Ma'am. On the heels of this, I ended up in a position where I had to make a conscious decision to do something that I knew would anger my Ma'am - but it was the only decision I could make because the alternatives were to be avoided at all costs.

It was hard to re-center after that weekend. So many things have gone through my mind since then and I'm hoping that soon the chaos will resolve itself enough for me to write.

a changed girl

2009-02-21T14:27:00.001-06:00

There is always a somber note to a day spent in preparation for an evening punishment and today is no exception. Ma'am has placed me in her collar today while she works to help ensure my focus on her and the area where I have recently been found in need of some additional assistance and motivation to improve – a lack of attention to detail that has persisted despite several reminders and a reprimand. And while I also have work today, my other hours will contain a bit of necessary reflection and tasks in preparation of her arrival home to my full and all encompassing attention. I will be dressed and in position when she arrives, dinner will be in the oven, and her paddle within easy reach so that the bit of business that we have to attend to can be dispatched at her pleasure with the minimum of fuss.

I have faced this wait before but today has already proven to be different. I am not nervous and I am not fretting over my mistakes. I have not punished myself for my deficiency but wait patiently to face what will come with the grace of acceptance and a willingness to embrace Ma'am's discipline as a tool for learning.

This wait is different because I am different. My emotions and my thoughts are not the same as those I felt when I last faced punishment – back in December when I was still laboring under some ill conceived notions and was, despite his having released me, still Sir S's girl in some respects. I have traveled a somewhat rocky emotional path since then but I have learned and I have grown more than I thought was possible in such a short period of time. Tuesday's misstep provided a crucial bit of learning and opened my eyes to what is hopefully the last way that I have sabotaged my submission.

Today, just days past my 7 month anniversary in her service, I am unequivocally Ma'am's girl. I submit to her in her own right, no longer as a by product of my submission to another. My daily mantra begins “I submit to my Ma'am for I am hers...” and while these words used to serve partially as a reminder for me, the meaning is different now. They are a statement of fact – I am fully hers and I have finally allowed myself to fully submit. When I speak these words now, they are affirmation of my devotion and joy that I may call this special woman Ma'am.

I believe I now have a richer understanding of what it means to submit. And I feel as if I have finally moved out of the infancy of my submission and can more rightfully call myself a girl.

on the mend

2009-02-04T22:29:00.001-06:00

For the past several weeks, my body and mind have been woefully out of sync. For the most part, I've been physically unable to be of much service to my Ma'am - plagued by knee and back issues that once again leave me consigned to flats and physical therapy. It has been frustrating (to say the least!) to be sidelined.

Ma'am and I both have tried very hard to be patient while I work toward healing my body but I feel terrible every time I see the disappointment in her eyes as she realizes that yet again I am unable to serve...she has been wonderful and very understanding of my limited capacity but I know she misses the use of her girl. Right now I want nothing more than to feel Ma'am's collar around my neck and to be capable of living up to the expectations of that collar. I want to be useful. I want to serve.

Today, a little ray of hope... it has been a couple of days since my spine has been straightened and the pain in my back has gotten significantly better. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be even better and I will soon be able to spend some much needed time with my Ma'am.

sub drop

2009-01-26T20:01:00.000-06:00

Until this past week, I haven't really given sub drop much thought. I had preconceived notions of what I had to feel or experience first as a submissive before I would come to the point where sub drop might be an issue. I didn't think I'd gone deep enough into submission or had intense enough experiences yet. I thought I would first have to reach that la-la land type of trance-like subspace and be high on endorphins or adrenaline before I'd have to struggle unwittingly through the infamous and enigmatic phenomenon called sub drop.

Not so, apparently. I've recently realized that I've gone through sub drop on a number of occasions. Some of those occasions were difficult to get through and some not so bad. Some of them (in retrospect) were pretty obviously sub drop and some were not so obvious. All of them were filled with emotion that blindsided me and left me struggling to understand where it was coming from.

Due to this recent discovery, I'm coming to have a very different understanding of sub drop and am starting to think that there are more nuances to it than I'd thought. Unlike most things I've read, I don't think that sub drop is reliant upon or necessarily precluded by endorphin/adrenaline laden experiences. I think it can be triggered by emotionally intense scenes and not just those that provide a chemical high.

My submissive experience to date has included much intensity – both physical and emotional. Sometimes just letting go and submitting can be intense and I find myself feeling sad for no apparent reason a day or two later. While this is certainly different from the uncontrollable trembling and tearful despair I experienced on the evening that I cried over not being permitted to get Ma'am a piece of cake, I think both can be attributed to sub drop. I just wasn't connecting the dots because that type of intensity didn't fall within the scope of what I had heard about what sub drop was.

I wish people would talk more about this topic and their experiences with it. Everyone is different and we can't all experience things in the same way. But everything I've read seems to say the same thing about when it could happen, what causes it and what a sub goes through. Most definitions seem to narrowly categorize something that seems to me to be so much larger and more comprehensive. Since much of what I've heard seemed not to apply to my experience, I didn't recognize it when I was going through it. Even when I blogged about some of these experiences and my confusion about my emotional state no one thought to mention that it might be sub drop. I suppose that those who read my posts might have thought that going through subdrop would be an obvious thing to me and my Ma'am, but it's not. Those of us who are newer to this world can find ourselves overwhelmed by feelings they don't understand that might be easily remedied.

For example – twice in the last month I have experienced serious sub drop while I was still in Ma'am's collar. On both occasions, intense activities were brought to a sudden and complete stop. The emotional nosedive I experienced in short order was frightening. Aftercare was provided but neither Ma'am nor I had any real understanding of what was happening to me or what I needed at that point. That neither of us understood my emotional state put unintentional distance between us – which, of course, made things much worse. I couldn't properly articulate the depth of what I was feeling, I didn't know what I needed to feel better and it honestly never occurred to me that sub drop was the culprit. I felt inexplicably and inordinately needy and I struggled with my feelings alone for days afterward, not wanting to worry my Ma'am with my fragile and vulnerable state of mind. I think that had at least one of us realized what was happening, much of the struggle and despair I felt would have been eliminated. Ma'am would have been able to give me (and I would have felt free to receive) the extra care that I needed to halt or lessen the emotional plummet.

From now on, I'm going to be on the lookout to help those that are struggling through sub drop that they haven't recognized. And I'm going to keep talking about it – starting with my Ma'am. I hope you all do too.

retro kink

2009-01-17T21:58:00.000-06:00

Because I know that Ma'am takes great pleasure in coming home at the end of a long day to find her girl dressed in a skirt and heels, I tend to do a fair amount of shopping in an attempt to fill out my rather paltry collection. While Ma'am's preference seemed to be plaid mini skirts, winter in Chicago is not the best time to shop for them so few of my shopping trips have yielded results. In pondering a solution to this problem, a vision unfolded in my mind and revealed a bit of a kink I didn't realize I had – with a bit of retro flair.

My vision was inspired by the commonly portrayed 1950s era housewife. In my mind I could see myself greeting Ma'am at the door at the end of a long day with a drink and a kiss...wearing a vintage styled dress with close fitting bodice and a full swing skirt, topped off with a feminine half apron. I pictured myself kneeling in such a dress, skirt arranged just so, head bowed as I waited. Or being pulled over her lap and spanked, full skirt draping nicely....or even just making and serving her dinner dressed this way. Pretty pictures all. Definitely worth exploring.

A couple of weeks ago I found the perfect dress while shopping with Ma'am. The dress didn't fit quite right but when I came out of the fitting room wearing it and saw the look on her face I decided to share my vision with her. Ma'am's eyes lit as I told her what I'd pictured – it was the same look I saw the first time I wore a plaid skirt for her. It was pretty clear that this is a kink that we share.

The dress shop found the dress I'd tried on in my size at another store and had it shipped to me. Ma'am and I were both impatient as we waited for the package, we were eager to see if the initial vision would be all that we thought. A few days after it arrived, I prepared and served Ma'am dinner (meatloaf, of course!) in my dress, apron, and heels with hair and makeup authentic to the time period.

Kink confirmed! Ma'am and I both enjoyed the evening immensely and the reality, I think, had better effect than either of us expected.

lost in thought

2009-01-14T21:08:00.000-06:00

I know, I know...I've been pretty quiet here lately. It's primarily because the cacophony in my head has been deafening. While some of my thoughts and insights over the past several weeks have been valuable, for the most part I've been tilting windmills and brooding too much on the past.

When our situation changed at the end of November, I began to approach my submission in a different way. Having only Ma'am to answer to, I was afraid that my tendency to push her would increase and that I was in danger of becoming a brat. So I started to pay very close attention to every interaction with Ma'am, taking great care to always be obedient and to display the proper attitude. That I felt the need to pay such careful attention got me thinking... and a frank look at my months in service to two dominants revealed that in large part my submission to Ma'am was a product of my submission to Sir S.

This, of course, led to all manner of torturous thoughts on the history and nature of my submission. I realized an appalling trend of testing and pushing Ma'am and I began to doubt that I'd ever truly submitted to her. I realized that I hadn't been as good or obedient as I'd thought. The more I brooded, the more I started to see my submission as something of a train wreck. And I began to struggle with submission in ways that would have been more common when I first entered service. I felt as if I didn't know how to submit or that I wasn't capable of it.

But, even as I struggled with all of this, I DID make changes in my attitude and behavior. This is the thing I've been forgetting when mulling over all the negatives. I've been agonizing over things that no longer exist...and not giving myself credit where credit is due.

For the past 6 weeks, there is no doubt that I HAVE submitted to my Ma'am. I've identified and corrected flaws in my behavior and attitude and have not pushed or tested her. I've submitted in times when I had difficulty seeing purpose or meaning in my submission. I've submitted despite being entirely uncertain of her control. I've been a good and obedient girl – in fact, in the past 6 weeks, I've been a better girl to my Ma'am than I ever have.

I need to stop looking back. I've learned all I can from the past. Continuing to focus on it only serves to cloud my perception of the future...

overthinking

2009-01-05T19:56:00.000-06:00

I'm doing an absolutely stellar job of over thinking lately - my mind has been working overtime and I've been spinning my mental wheels on a few things that I know I need to discuss with my Ma'am. Every time I think I'm on the verge of figuring something out, some reasoning or other brings me back to the beginning and around I go again...

But last night a random question from Ma'am stopped me dead in my tracks. It was an innocent question but one that had to do with one of the things I've been thinking so much about. My answer would require explanation...and confession. Normally, I'm very good about telling on myself and I generally do so right away. But this time confession has been harder and longer in coming because I'm not sure how much of what I needed to divulge to Ma'am might actually be disobedience and how much was me unconsciously getting in my own way. Where I kept hitting the wall was wondering if it mattered whether I knew what I was doing...I wasn't following one of my rules as diligently as I should have and, regardless of whether I realized it or not, is there any way to see it as something other than disobedience?

Although I didn't feel ready to have the conversation yet, I did answer Ma'am's question. I confessed and explained as best I could. I told her what I'd realized I'd been doing, how I wasn't sure how much of it I was truly aware of, how I'd gone about changing my daily routine to ensure that it doesn't happen in the future. Saying the words out loud brought my perception to an entirely different level and I suddenly felt as if I'd been wrong to wait. The feeling has stayed with me all day today and I've begun to wonder if this is just another way in which I've held something of myself back in my submission to Ma'am or tried to retain some measure of control in our relationship...

There's one thing I do know for sure, though – there is no such thing as an innocent question from one's dominant.

be my guest

2009-01-01T16:53:00.000-06:00

Say hello or leave comments/suggestions here.

crying over cake

2008-12-28T17:03:00.000-06:00

Last night a very intense experience with Ma'am came crashing to an unexpected and abrupt halt. I felt a flash of pain and automatically moved in a way that I shouldn't have. End result – one slightly injured girl and one very concerned Ma'am.

Ma'am sat me down and comforted me while I sniffled my way through the pain and feelings of having done something wrong. When it became clear that I was actually injured, I sat shaking as Ma'am explained to me that she wanted me to change and that she would be taking care of me for the rest of the evening. I started to argue before thinking better of it and had to remind myself that it was not my decision. I quietly submitted to her wishes but I wasn't happy about it.

For the rest of the night I was unexpectedly emotional. Tears remained inexplicably just under the surface and I found myself crying at times for no apparent reason. When Ma'am mentioned she was going to go get a midnight snack, I tearfully begged her to permit me to get it for her. It surprised us both, I think, that I was crying over not being allowed to get her a piece of cake.

I understand that things can happen unexpectedly. I understand that sometimes Ma'am will need to take care of me. I even understand that what happened was an accident and I'm not at fault. What I don't understand is why I was so overly emotional and why the very idea of Ma'am getting herself a snack brought me to tears...

winds of change

2008-12-27T14:13:00.000-06:00

The winds of change have been blowing these past few weeks as Ma'am and I have adjusted to our revised situation. Ma'am didn't waste much time in ensuring her control – as I mentioned before, she made special effort to keep my service as consistent and seamless as possible. Within days of Sir S's leaving I was given new responsibilities and those of my rules that had come solely from Sir were suspended and subsequently revised or eliminated. And when I was emotionally ready, Ma'am gave me my most severe beating to date. It was the first time that she provided me with lasting marks and I was proud and happy to bear them for her. A couple of days later, I learned what it felt like to have fresh marks laid over those first...

Obviously, serving one dominant is very different from serving two. I'd expected that it would be far less time consuming to serve one but so far this hasn't proven to be true. But I do find that the challenges of my service and submission have shifted into an entirely different arena. Being able to have my full focus on Ma'am and her desires and needs has opened me up to a different level that I haven't reached before. I've taken the first steps on the road to learning things about myself as a submissive that I don't think I would have come to in our trio. The dual power structure and my own thoughts on it provided barriers to my awareness of things that have been hanging me up and getting in my way.

For the moment, these steps have primarily been confined to my head – little pearls of potential wisdom hidden in random thoughts. I need to take some time to grab hold of these thoughts, turn them this way and that, discover their full implications. For the moment, though, I do know better where I need to be more vigilant or work harder for Ma'am.

awakening

2008-11-20T21:06:00.000-06:00

It was 2 am but my sleep filled brain hadn't recognized the fact yet. 2 am when I felt the hand on my shoulder and the voice telling me that it was time to get up. Moments earlier I'd been dead asleep and then there was the motion and the voice disturbing my rest. My eyes had cracked open, looked without seeing, and when I realized that no calamity had broken out, I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

“Time to get up.”

I must have missed my alarm and my partner was making sure I got up for work. But I wasn't quite ready to get up yet... More shaking , a draft as the covers were pulled from me. Continuing to resist, I pulled the covers back up and tried to roll over. But she was right there, hovering over me.

“Five minutes...” I murmured.

“No. Time to get up.” Why did her voice sound so...firm?

“Five minutes.” I repeated.

“I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Time to get up. Now.”

Those words – and the tone that accompanied them – cut straight through the sleep fog. Ma'am. Ma'am was waking me.

My eyes snapped open and sought the clock. This time I registered the time – it was just after 2 am. I felt my collar slipping around my neck and leaned forward, holding up my hair so that Ma'am could fasten the buckle.

Collared – in service – at 2 am on a random Thursday. Is this a dream? I pulled myself up as I fought against my grogginess. Realized that this was definitely not a dream. Thought maybe it was a dream come true.

I settled between Ma'am's legs at her command – aroused already and eager to provide this most intimate service. I took my time, enjoying Ma'am's sounds of pleasure and the heady scent of her arousal. As I brought my Ma'am close to the edge of orgasm, she balled a fist in my hair and I moaned softly, redoubling my efforts, until I felt the beginning shudders of her climax.

Now that her immediate needs had been tended to, Ma'am delivered several well placed spanks to my bottom. The spanking wasn't hard or long, just enough to remind this girl that I am hers and that I will get up when she tells me to. She continued to spank me as her dildo pressed firmly into me from behind...

In the quiet time before sleep claimed us, I thanked Ma'am. She didn't realize at the time but I was thanking her for allowing me to serve her...and for taking control of me unequivocally. Which is something that I really, really needed. I've had a need to feel more submissive to her lately and this experience had fulfilled that need absolutely...

I lay awake, silently waiting, until I heard Ma'am's breathing change to signal that she had fallen asleep. She had fallen asleep with her hand on my ass...her silent claim on the girl fresh from a sound sleep that she had just energetically taken and allowed the privilege of kneeling at her feet – a girl who was no longer sleepy but deeply content and feeling more submissive than she ever has before..

call me ginger

2008-11-08T17:24:00.000-06:00

Last Wednesday, Ma'am decided it was time to explore a little further with figging. She'd purchased and aged enough ginger so that it would be a much different experience than my little taste a couple of weeks ago. It was a surprising experience from the beginning... I hadn't known that I would be in service until I came through the door and saw Ma'am holding my collar. As I knelt to receive it, I could see the clothing she wanted me to wear laid out on the bed next to a couple of pillows. Her choices were a little different from what she normally likes me to wear for her. The outfit included my highest heels and the rather obvious omission of panties.

I had no idea what Ma'am had in store for me as I changed and prepared myself for service. Ma'am was uncharacteristically quiet and gave me no clues as she indicated the position she wanted me to take and carefully folded my skirt onto my lower back. All I could guess was that my bottom was to be the focus of much of her attention...but it generally does so that wasn't much of a stretch. She'd instructed me to turn my head away from her but as the scent of fresh ginger filled the room something of her plan was revealed...

It was an experience of amazing and intense sensations made more intense by having to describe to Ma'am what it felt like as she played with her girl. My ginger filled bottom was caressed, spanked, flogged, rubbed and clenched together – each providing a different new element and/or intensity to the sensation. But when Ma'am began to play with the ginger plug itself...when she turned it, jiggled it, and finally when she fucked my ass with it....

OMG...the most EXQUISITE pleasure!

If you haven't tried ginger yet, run to the store now. You're really missing out – trust me.

dealing with my choice

2008-11-02T18:05:00.000-06:00

After my last post, I had a string of bad days...somewhat dark days. I don't manage the disappointment of those important to me well at all. For me, the D word has a unique and all encompassing power. Nothing undermines my self esteem quicker or has the same power to make me feel completely worthless. I simply can't bear being a disappointment.

At first, Ma'am didn't know the full extent of what I was going through. She'd thought I was punishing myself over that terrible Tuesday – something I'm forbidden to do without immediately coming clean. Well, I was punishing myself and I did confess... but the resulting chastisement and lecture sent me deeper into my darkness. It was when I desperately begged for her forgiveness and the opportunity to make it up to her that she realized there might be something else going on.

After a couple of very long conversations, during which Ma'am couldn't have pried her girl from her leg with a crowbar, I finally reclaimed a bit of my self esteem. Ma'am helped me to see an important distinction in her disappointment. She hadn't been disappointed in me. She was disappointed by the unforeseen situation. Ma'am had been making plans for a rather memorable first use of that toy and some of it had been dependent upon my not knowing exactly what the toy would feel like. My playing with the toy removes that element of surprise and changes the experience.

This has turned out to be a potent learning experience. Although I didn't do anything specifically wrong, I made a choice that took something from my Ma'am and that shouldn't happen. In the future, I will be much more careful with the choices I make. I will be sure not to assume that something is OK if it hasn't specifically been prohibited.

I won't be punished but there have already been some repercussions from my choice – I'm back in hands off mode and I have a new rule pertaining to any personal play I might be permitted in the future. I'm pretty sure the periods of blanket permission for a week or two are to be a thing of the past. And Ma'am assures me that I will make it up to her...

the worst sub ever

2008-10-21T20:00:00.000-05:00

Today has been a terrible day.

It started with my weigh in this morning - I have a weekly weight goal with a 2 pound grace. Today, my scale revealed that I'd lost exactly a half pound too much. To make things worse, my Sir sent me some wonderful praise for doing so well - he had mistaken the amount of my grace allowance. I was unable to accept his praise and had to instead point out the oversight and ask to be punished.

After a brutal day at work, things got even worse...

My Ma'am & Sir generously allow me periods where I am not restricted in my personal "play". The only stipulation is that I keep a log of the details of my activities, which Ma'am can view at any time. I didn't much take advantage of the opportunity at first until I realized that Ma'am takes great pleasure in teasing me with the details of my log.

A short time ago I'd indulged in a little play session with a certain toy I'd always wanted to try. It was a toy I didn't think Ma'am was interested in using at all. I dutifully logged the experience and didn't give it another thought.

Ma'am hadn't checked my log in a while and discovered my play session today. She'd been disappointed because she'd wanted my first experience with this toy to be with her. While discussing it, she had this to say -

"Please understand that I am not angry you did this. It feels more as if I've had something taken away from me."

God. Did someone just suck all the air out of the room?

These are the worst words in the world to hear. I can't even describe how bad hearing them made me feel. It was the most effective chastisement that I've received in my life...and it wasn't meant as one. Which makes it worse somehow...

I am the worst sub in the world - truly unworthy of the attention of both my Sir and Ma'am...

defining expectations

2008-10-19T12:57:00.000-05:00

Last night conversation turned to my consistent protocol lapses with Ma'am and how it relates to my recent brattitude. While both my attitude and behavior have been much improved this weekend, I feel it is because I have been following the original form of my protocol as initially provided by my Sir. There have been many changes since I received those protocols – Ma'am has both added and subtracted elements – and there is a level of formality to them that Ma'am does not always hold me to.

When she commented on how good I've been and contrasted it to the week before last, I confessed to Ma'am that I'm frequently confused about her expectations and that rather than asking her directly to clarify this for me, I've been trying to take cues from her demeanor as to precisely which protocols are required of me. I fall short when I misread her which makes me feel inadequate or as if I am failing her.

In the week before my inner brat took over there were many such instances and I'd been coming down on myself pretty hard because of it. My frustration over my apparent inability to correctly determine Ma'am's expectations, and therefore to behave properly for her, piled up and turned into in a complete lack of confidence in my ability to properly serve and please her. As I continued to fall short I began to push her. I was giving her a reason to punish me because I felt that only her discipline would help me turn it all around.

I really botched things. I should have gone to Ma'am with how I was feeling. I should have asked her to clarify expectations when I struggled to determine them. I should have done so many things differently... I hope that next time I'll make better choices.

The upside is that Ma'am began outlining and defining her levels of protocol last night as I typed. Her protocols will be outlined separately from Sir's as will my punishment protocol. Once complete, I will have a definitive source of the expectations of both my Ma'am and Sir and all confusion should be eliminated.

consequences

2008-10-17T17:47:00.000-05:00

My recent “brattitude” has been the source of many uncomfortable conversations this week. I'm dangerously close to losing the privilege of speech altogether and have dire need to demonstrate a radical and speedy improvement. One improper tone or inappropriate word and I will learn just how golden silence is.

When I arrive home tonight my punishment period will begin. I'll have only precious minutes before Ma'am arrives to dress in my required uniform and meet her at the door with the items she has proscribed. I will then attend to her every need until she is rested and ready to administer a lesson that I have proven necessary. Ma'am has promised me that it will be a very long night...and one I won't soon forget.

I don't yet have all the details of my further punishment but know I will spend almost every moment of the weekend collared and in service. I may only leave the house on those errands that Ma'am dictates or in matters that pertain to my job.

I'm a little overwhelmed, and feeling somewhat as if I've bitten off more than I can chew, by the force of Ma'am's response to my pushing... it feels almost as if I've opened Pandora's box again..

Is this what I was seeking?

shadow of punishment

2008-10-13T18:37:00.000-05:00

There is no worse feeling than that of having the shadow of well deserved punishment hanging over you. You can't hide from it, it's there every moment, and it seems to permeate and taint everything...reminding you of your failure and what an utter disappointment you've been. Right now the feeling is particularly acute because despite knowing better I couldn't seem to stop myself from acting out.

Last week I pushed Ma'am with increasing intensity. I was argumentative and challenging. I made a wholly inappropriate sarcastic comment. My attitude and behavior have been terrible and I've been fighting her control. I deserve to be punished without a doubt.

The problem is that I don't know why I'm acting this way...and I don't really intend to do it. I've been trying to be good but then out comes this tone...or those inappropriate words. More often than not my protocol goes out the window...

What's wrong with me? Why have I suddenly turned into a brat?

I can only hope that my punishment - whenever it comes - will help to nip whatever this is in the bud...

pain slut? cane slut?

2008-10-01T19:20:00.000-05:00

Several months ago, my former Dom told me that I was a pain slut in the making. I told him I was pretty sure that he was not correct. A couple of weeks ago, my Sir asked Ma'am if she thought it was possible that I'm a pain slut and don't realize it. Ma'am told Sir that she really didn't think so. A few days ago, with a certain look in her eye, Ma'am asked me if I thought it was possible. And after I reported the weekend's events to Sir....he asked Ma'am if she was sure I'm not.

I'm starting to wonder what exactly I'm putting out there that has these three thinking I'm a pain slut...

Perhaps my definition is faulty? In the simplest terms, I consider a pain slut to be someone who enjoys and/or is aroused by heavy pain. I don't think that person has to be a submissive and I don't think that the dynamics of power exchange play into it. Is this different from the common perception?

For my part, I don't enjoy pain for pain's sake and I seem only to deal with it well when it is within the framework of power exchange. In this setting, I find that I can take quite a bit of pain as long as I know that it is my Doms' pleasure. The heavier or more long term the pain, the more reassurance and reminders I need of their dominance and their pleasure to get through it. My pleasure and satisfaction come from enduring the pain as well as I can and from knowing that doing so has pleased them. Any arousal I experience comes from the power exchange aspects in play at the time and not from the pain itself.

But...this past weekend I received a caning so severe that it pushed me right up to the edge of my capacity to take it. Afterward Ma'am and I discovered that I was very wet which seems to be contrary to my belief that I'm not a pain slut. I hadn't consciously felt aroused before, during or after my caning but the undeniable evidence was there between my legs...

Am I really a closet pain slut? Or maybe a cane slut? Or....???

the drawback of being good

2008-09-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

I've been a very good girl lately....it's been more than 3 weeks since I've earned a punishment. And yet...I find that I miss some aspects of those times when I more frequently required my Doms' discipline. It's not the punishment itself that I miss and it certainly isn't that terrible feeling of having disappointed. What I miss is the opportunity for learning and growth it provided me. I learned a lot in my earlier days of service and as my punishments have become less so have my training sessions and reflective assignments. I'm craving the tighter control that I felt in those days as well.

Some days it seems as if being a good girl is not all it's cracked up to be...but I can't imagine trying to be anything else.

a little surprise

2008-09-21T14:57:00.000-05:00

Weeks ago, I'd picked up on something from Ma'am that I'm not sure she'd realized she was interested in. It was similar in nature to what I picked up on regarding the shoe fetish she hadn't yet recognized and so I began a search for the perfect plaid skirt. Yesterday I found it.

Ma'am's reaction to seeing me in my new plaid skirt with knee socks and Mary Jane heels was better than I'd hoped. The look on her face told me all I needed to know. It was the perfect surprise. She could barely wait to bend me over to get to my white panty clad bottom.

Ma'am's delight was really all I needed as a reward but there was an added bonus... Ma'am was so pleased with her surprise that she was feeling very generous about my scheduled caning. She was so gentle with it that I've begun to wonder if my fears of it are entirely justified...

puzzling calmness

2008-09-20T19:02:00.000-05:00

I should be nervous right now but I find nothing but calmness and acceptance within. I know what will happen tonight... I'm to be caned. I will be bound so that I can not move away from Ma'am as I did last week. And I will be gagged so that I don't make too much noise.

Of course I accept what will happen. I have no choice in the matter. But this calmness is puzzling. I'm very afraid of the cane. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the pain that I know it is capable of inflicting. I'm afraid that I won't be able to take it as well as I know both my Ma'am and Sir want and expect. I'm afraid that I will disappoint both Ma'am and Sir by never coming to enjoy it as much as they hope.

The weight of my fear should be heavy by now...it's less than an hour away. So why am I not nervous?

no such thing as forgot

2008-08-24T14:53:00.000-05:00

Today my mind is blissfully clear and much to my chagrin I know what happened on Thursday – and why I hid what I was doing from myself.

I was testing Ma'am, trying to provoke her to an overt display of dominance and control. I've done this before with other dominants when I was either uncertain of their control or craving such a display. But I've never been unaware that I was doing it and this is the thing that I found most troubling on Thursday. I didn't think it was possible that I just forgot and I didn't think I was testing Ma'am because I've always been aware of that.

I realize now that I hid it from myself because I knew that Ma'am wasn't ready for it. Ma'am is still getting comfortable with her new role and still figuring out what type of Domme she is. I'd actually written that day in my journal about how important it was that I don't push Ma'am beyond her current comfort level. I don't want to make things more difficult for her and I don't want to throw her into entirely uncharted waters unexpectedly.

And yet, hours after writing, I pushed. Ah, but it's a little more complicated than it seems. My pushing was designed not only to test my Ma'am – but also to provoke my Sir. Mission accomplished. Sir was NOT happy to hear about what happened and was onto my motivations well before I was. And Sir doesn't tolerate bratty behavior well.

*sigh* It seems like every time I realize and face an obstacle to my submission another pops up – all manufactured by my twisted little mind.

how could I forget?

2008-08-22T22:43:00.000-05:00

Last night I had my second training session of the week with Ma'am. I've been doing well lately and it was almost a perfect evening. Almost. Until I managed to screw it up.

Ma'am was feeling very generous and had decided I'd earned a reward. My reward was lovely and the pleasure she allowed me was one of my favorite things. This is apparently when my mind decided to go on vacation. Ma'am gave me four wonderful orgasms...and I forgot to ask permission all four times.

Forgot.

Four times.

Not even a thought in my head.

How can that be?

I have NEVER forgotten before. Which is not to say that I've never cum without asking permission - there have been moments were my orgasm came on so quickly that I didn't have time to ask. But always – ALWAYS – I was aware of the words I didn't say and have apologized immediately. And while I did apologize last night...the fact remains that the thought never entered my mind and I didn't realize the omission until Ma'am pointed it out.

I'm beginning to suspect that I'm sabotaging myself...lately it seems that it's all one step forward and two steps back with me...

withholding pleasure - a watershed moment

2008-08-18T19:31:00.000-05:00

This weekend contained a pivotal moment in my submission. I knew that I would be expected to face up to the thing I was most afraid of being asked to do, the very thing that always seemed impossible to me when I thought of it. Others might find it a wholly unremarkable thing...but it was my albatross.

I tried not to think about it too much last week because I knew there was no way I could prepare myself for what I was facing. No options had been offered. Sir and Ma'am would have this from me. I must be obedient and please them. I knew those things just as I knew that my internal conflict would stand firmly in the way of obedience.

And then...my watershed moment. If I did not find a way to do this, I would not merely be incurring the displeasure of my dominants. I would be withholding pleasure from them.

Why didn't I see it like this before?

This simple change in thinking had a huge effect. The idea of withholding pleasure was unthinkable and it gave me the little kick I needed to find my way. Of course, it didn't erase the conflict I felt or make everything all better. I still felt the weight of my submission very heavily when the moment came.

But – I obeyed. And Sir and Ma'am were very pleased.

And really, that's what it's all about.

lowering the bar

2008-08-11T20:09:00.000-05:00

I've lowered the bar – and I have to say I feel great about it.

A little over a week ago, just before my epiphany, I came face to face with just how high the standards I was holding myself to were. Even in my highest heels the bar I'd raised was so far above me that I didn't have a prayer of touching it. With the weight of such unrealistic expectations on my shoulders, it's no wonder that I was feeling as if I was failing my Ma'am and Sir.

I've learned a lot in the past week. Important lessons regarding how I see and deal with failure, how I've been trying to retain a measure of control and how I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to be someone that I haven't yet learned how to be. I've been unwittingly getting in my own way and my submission was suffering for it. Actually failing Ma'am and Sir might have soon become my reality if I hadn't realized what I was doing to myself.

So I lowered that bar and aligned it with the expectations of my Ma'am and Sir – which is exactly where I ought to have placed it in the first place. I'm going to take some time to get used to how reaching the bar feels before I decide to raise it a little higher.

Lowering the bar has already been of benefit to me in serving Ma'am and now that I'm getting out of my own way, I think it's just possible that I'm finally finding my groove...

domming myself - an epiphany

2008-08-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

Our trio is actually a quad. I serve Sir and Ma'am but I also serve a third Mistress. This third Mistress, who was actually my first, resides in my head. She is omnipotent, unrelenting, and fierce. She does not dispense praise easily or often and is very quick to pass judgment.

The Mistress Mind sees and knows all of the things that Sir and Ma'am do not but she doesn't always share the information with them. She is an expert in scolding and lecturing and knows the most effective and efficient means of correcting me. Mistress Mind has absolutely no qualms about punishing me on behalf of my Sir and Ma'am and does so as she sees fit – until or unless Ma'am and Sir provide their own punishment.

Mistress Mind is always there - driving me toward success, correcting my failures, and always on the lookout for improper attitude or behavior. She is relentless in her attempts to turn me into the best girl I can be but I don't fault her for it. I am wide open and vulnerable to her in a way that I am not yet with Ma'am and Sir. I've served her unconsciously and without thought for a very long time. I have been a devoted slave to Mistress Mind and strive for nothing less than perfection with her.

Serving Mistress Mind was not a bad thing in the past. In fact, Mistress owned me so completely that I wasn't entirely aware of her presence. But now that I have Ma'am and Sir, serving my first Mistress makes things a little messy. Mistress Mind's demands sometimes prevent me from properly serving Ma'am and Sir. I've come to realize that my continued service of her is a detriment to my service of Ma'am and Sir. This morning I knew without a doubt - it is time to leave the Mistress Mind's tutelage.

I'm not sure how to say goodbye to my first Mistress. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to fully leave her and her guidance behind. But I know that I must learn to let go of her if I am to ever succeed in my submission to Ma'am and Sir.

oh, the irony

2008-07-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

One thing never occurred to me as I thought about my first punishment – Punishment Protocol.

So picture this: there I was about to be punished for my recent protocol transgressions...and I'm given new protocol to learn!

I imagine the look that crossed my face as this sunk in was priceless. But you can bank on the fact that my protocol in this area was perfect.

And no, I didn't appreciate the humor of it at the time.

finding absolution

2008-07-27T13:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I surprise myself. Until Friday evening's punishment, I have never attained such grace in facing a punishment, never been so focused or in tune to how my dominant was feeling/experiencing things and never known the rewards that are unique to each of these qualities. It sounds strange to say but my punishment was both an enlightening and positive experience. I feel as if I am already a better submissive for having gone through it.

My path toward absolution included much more than penance. It was filled with reflection, surprise, and lessons of a different nature than those I was being disciplined for. I discovered a certain strength and courage I didn't know I had. I was surprised by some aspects I found difficult and others that were easy and natural. I have never experienced a punishment quite like it nor from the mental perspective I found on Friday.

Of course, it was not without it's uncomfortable moments and certainly not without pain. It was punishment. I was being held accountable for my failures and that is never an easy thing. But I came through. I did my penance and found absolution.

Ma'am and Sir were both extremely pleased and proud of their girl...but I have to admit – I was too.

endless

2008-07-25T18:16:00.000-05:00

Today is the day. My first punishment will come this evening.

I've been nervous all day yet determined to take what I am due with both courage and grace. Tonight, I will be properly respectful and I will not fail to use proper protocol. Tonight, I will make Ma'am and Sir proud.

The tasks I needed to complete are done. I am properly attired and packed. I am ready. And now I wait...

...and it seems endless.

protocol, failure, punishment

2008-07-23T20:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't been held to protocol before and I'm having a difficult time with it. I understand the concepts that Sir has instructed me in but I'm not used to such formality. Before I know it, I've slipped up. Sometimes I realize it but most of the time I don't until I am reminded.

While Sir has been very patient, he is a stickler for proper protocol and I fear that I am turning out to be somewhat of a disappointment to him in this area. Yesterday's lapse couldn't have come at a worse moment. It was a serious breach and one that had already been forgiven. My apology for this transgression was proper – but also missing something. Sir left it to me to figure out and when I finally did I felt another nail slam into the lid of my coffin.

I had a fair idea that this additional lapse wasn't singular and Sir's words confirmed that for me. In a bit of a panic, I've gone back through everything in my mind and discovered 4 more lapses that also include Ma'am. So now 5 transgressions I know of, including the one with exceptionally bad timing. I'm sure that there are probably more – Sir has a keen eye for such things.

Each transgression I uncovered hammered home the twin points that I had disappointed and failed Sir and Ma'am. I didn't feel capable of following even simple instructions. I thought my Sir and Ma'am deserve much better...

It wasn't long before the tears came. Each discovered lapse, each apology issued, mired me deeper into my failures. And since I wasn't yet certain that I would be punished, I began punishing myself. I didn't get much sleep last night...and I was ill this morning as a result of torturing myself with what was already outside of my control. I knew that Ma'am and Sir would be discussing this – me – this morning but I rushed to check my email before even getting my coffee.

The crazy thing is – once Sir confirmed to me that I would be punished I found peace. I don't yet know when or how my punishment will come but I'm no longer dwelling on those moments where I have been found lacking. My mind has fallen into calm acceptance of my fate and I now wait with patience.

Sir's confirmation has freed me to concentrate on the more important matter of correcting my deficiencies despite the unpleasant matter we must attend to in the near future.

a tough day

2008-07-22T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today I am...struggling.

6 more rules. An accidental lapse in protocol that may have earned me my first punishment from Sir. A flare of petulance and/or stubbornness within me that I am trying very hard not to let come through to Sir or Ma'am. *Sigh*...I've even contemplated willful disobedience.

I'm basically a good girl. I'm learning a lot and trying very hard to be the best girl I can for Sir and Ma'am. But some moments are very hard...

the first of my rules

2008-07-19T17:05:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning to find a writing assignment and the first of my rules. It was entirely unexpected and discovered sans coffee. Who knew that such a discovery could rival coffee's awakening powers!

The list of rules is mercifully short and missing one that I had expected. I'll admit that I honed in on that fact right away and plan to take full advantage of the continued allowance of something I had assumed would be forbidden me right away. I'm sure that certain of my hedonistic habits aren't going to fly under the radar for long...

Unsurprisingly, one of my new rules chafes a bit. It will be difficult to follow as it pertains to something I do naturally that I must now be mindful of. Sir was very patient in explaining his reasons for this particular rule when I requested clarification and a specific exemption from it.

Understanding the purpose behind the rule doesn't make it easier to follow though, does it?

it's official

2008-07-18T18:39:00.000-05:00

So, yes...my search has ended. I am officially Sir's girl. But wait...there's MORE. I will not only have Sir to serve but a Ma'am as well – my partner Eve.

Eve has decided to join my journey and start her own – whether that means that she will act as a monitor and proxy for Sir, join him as co-Domme, or I will serve her apart from Sir, we don't know yet. We three still have a lot to discuss. Whatever we decide, life is about to get a heck of a lot more interesting...and maybe a little more nerve-wracking.

I'm a little overwhelmed by everything that's happened in the past 48 hours...but also soooo very excited! Would someone please pinch me so I know I'm not dreaming?

a momentous day

2008-07-16T13:20:00.000-05:00

I just finished telling a friend of mine that nothing momentous is happening in my life. And then something momentous did happen. A conversation turned, became heavy with intent, and I have heard these words:

“I want to be your Master.”

As I stand at this crossroads I can't help but ask myself....am I ready?

an awkward compulsion

2008-05-31T19:11:00.000-05:00

I’ve been struggling with an impulse lately - one of those compulsions that an experienced sub would know how to handle but leaves me feeling a little confused and vulnerable. The experience I’ve had so far hasn’t prepared me for what I’m feeling…and the person I’d most like to discuss it with is not an option.

He’s rather the source of my discomfort at the moment.

Here’s the problem: I have this friend that I recently feel compelled to call Sir. I’ve come to have a great respect for him and it seems natural and right to address him with the honorific as opposed to his name. The more my respect grows for him, the more my compulsion grows. And yet this is my friend and I wouldn’t want him to think that I have some alternative expectation of our friendship.

I’ve stopped myself from letting it slip out in our communications more than once and have spent way too much time wondering what he might think if I were to ask him if I may address him as such. I would be honored if he were to allow me this. But I can’t bring myself to ask. I’m afraid that the asking would change something, or that he might think less of me.

Do friends call friends Sir? Wouldn’t it be strange for me to call this man Sir when I address no others as such?