It’s been more than a month since things between Sir A and I ended although I didn’t know at the time that the fairly quick phone conversation we’d had would be our last.  I can’t tell you if Sir A knew it…he didn’t mention anything of the kind.  There wasn’t anything unusual about our conversation or the way that he came across.  But I haven’t heard from him since.  He obviously lost interest in our relationship and decided not to do the decent thing and let me know.  So much for the well-mannered proponent of communication that he portrayed himself to be…

Once again, I’ve made a poor choice in a dominant and I don’t really understand how it happened.  I was careful not to rush into anything and felt I knew him as both a dominant and a man by the time that we moved from friendship into something more.  We were almost eerily in sync when it came to our views of D/s and the lifestyle.  And we were looking for the same things in a relationship.  I was sure that we would be a good fit.  Obviously, I misjudged either him or the situation. 

I’m not sure where I’m going to go from here.  It hasn’t seemed to matter if I leap or make an educated choice.  The results have all been the same - a dominant who treats me poorly and then leaves without word.  I can’t help but wonder if I’m too naïve or trusting or if it has more to do with the nature of online relationships.  I know some people don’t consider it a “real” relationship and see it as merely a way to have a bit of fun.  But I also know that there are those out there, like me, who are looking for a serious commitment.  I guess the real questions are: how do I find the dominants who are truly looking for what I seek and how can I tell the serious ones from those who give me lip service in order to have a little bit of fun?

discovering rope: confirmation

Our first class on Saturday morning was Bondage 101.  Eve and I were looking forward to it - the description had promised that a large portion of it would be dedicated to rope bondage and our experience on Friday had the two of us more than a little intrigued and rather rope focused.  Neither of us could explain what we’d felt but it had certainly captured our attention.  And we were eager to find out what further exposure to rope would bring. 

At one point during the class, our instructor passed around lengths of different types of rope so we could get a feel for them and for us to practice ties with later.  I copped a quick feel and passed them on dutifully.  They were nice but I didn’t feel anything special when handling them.  Until our instructor’s favorite rope was in my hands. 

The fibers of this new rope were soft and sensual…at almost first touch, I could feel it starting to take hold of me.  The room seemed to suddenly become warmer as I lovingly fingered the rope.  I felt the same dreamy lightness settle around me but this time there was something more.  Each touch was bringing me a little higher, pulling me a little deeper into these feelings.  I looped the rope around my wrist a few times, reveling in the soft whisper of it against my skin.  Soon, my breathing started to become ragged and I was trembling.  I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t think about anything but the rope and how it made me feel.

Suddenly, Eve reached over and grabbed the rope around my wrist, tightening it against my skin and pulling it to her.  I gasped from the jolt it provided me.  Arousal arched through me and for a moment the intensity of my feelings threatened to overwhelm me.  But it was just for a moment, soon the chaos inside me softened and settled into a deep calmness and peace which I enjoyed until I had to let Eve have the rope to practice with. 

There wasn’t much time between classes but Eve and I ran outside to smoke once the first one was done. We wanted a little privacy so we could talk and I needed the fresh air.  This second experience had been more powerful than the first.  We didn’t really know what to make of all of this but one thing was certain - we absolutely needed to buy some rope.

We decided to skip our next class to shop.  There weren’t a lot of vendors at the event and the options were surprisingly few.  As we looked at what was available, I realized that I’d suddenly become compulsively tactile when it came to rope.  I had to touch it all…and I couldn’t stop touching the bamboo rope that we eventually decided on.  Eve had to take it from me when we bought it and again several times later when it somehow found its way out of the bag and into my hands…

discovering rope: first inkling

I don’t know when exactly the feeling started to take hold of me - it was already powerful when I became fully aware of it and in each passing moment it seemed to grow stronger. I felt like I was in the cocoon of a dream. Everything was soft around the edges and there was a peculiar hush in the room. My vision was tunneled and I could see and hear only our teacher and his volunteer at the front of the room.  Somehow, inexplicably, I was experiencing the same thing she was - her face and every nuance of her body telegraphed the very same emotions that I was in the grip of. Surprisingly, I didn’t think to question it.  I didn’t think at all.  I simply enjoyed what I was feeling and allowed it to continue to draw me in.

He spoke so softly to her that I couldn’t hear what he was saying but, somehow, I was so keyed into their interaction that I could feel the words that I couldn’t hear.  My eyes closed in pleasure when hers did…and when he wrapped the coil very gently around her neck, I could swear that I felt the soft touch of the hemp against mine as well.  My knees felt heavy and weak and each breath I took filled me with lightness and something that was beginning to approach bliss.  When, at his command, she announced to the room that she was wet, I flushed hotly and dropped my eyes for a few moments.  I think I blushed for us both…I, too, was wet and her admission of it for us both made me suddenly and acutely aware of the shame of it.  My humiliation added another dimension to what I was feeling…it was pleasurable but a little uncomfortable too.  I felt as if everyone must know and in an effort to dispel some of my discomfort I reached out for the rope that Eve had taken from me a short time ago. 

I returned my attention to the presentation, a ball of rope gripped firmly in one hand and the fingers of the other in constant motion.  The rope had an amazing feel to it that I couldn’t get enough of.  My fingers stroked, grasped, and pulled…registering sensations of it as if it was braille.  Something about it made me inexplicably high and dreamy, ready to float but not quite there. 

When the presentation was finished, our teacher passed out more rope and turned the class over to work with their partners.  Eve asked me if I wanted to move into the corner to work with her.  It took me a moment to be able to speak.  My voice sounded strange to me when I told her that I wanted to stay where we were.  The truth of it was that my legs were still weak and I didn’t think they would hold me if I tried to stand up. And I didn’t want to move at all for fear of disturbing or losing this incredible feeling. 

When our eyes connected, I could see that she was feeling something as well.  There was something electric in this shared experience but after a few moments I couldn’t bear the raw intimacy of our locked gaze.  I tore my eyes from hers as I bowed my head - both to her and to the mysterious power that the rope and this class seemed to have over me. 

Eve didn’t understand.  She didn’t know what powerful feelings I was in thrall of.  She didn’t know that the weight of them had rendered me unable to move from my chair or to speak.  Or the confusion I felt at my undeniably strong and (I thought) very strange reaction to a piece of rope and a presentation.  She didn’t know that my world had tipped sideways…but there’s no way that she could have.  I wasn’t able to articulate what I was feeling and she couldn’t read what she had seen in my eyes. 

Eve was in the throes of her own powerful emotions and my seeming lack of willingness to participate in this portion of the class felt like rejection to her.  After a few moments, she hastily left the room.  I wasn’t capable of rushing after her nor did I want to.  I was crushed and hurt by her reaction and had been yanked out of the lovely place that I’d dwelled for quite some time.  Very slowly, I went after her.

Communication is a recurring issue with Eve and I so it was no surprise that after such a powerful experience we found ourselves at odds with one another.  What was a surprise, though, was that after an initial volley of dueling emotional outbursts toward one another we were able to connect in a way that we haven’t in years and to talk things through.  Now, several days later, we’re both still feeling that connection.  It is a wonderful - and needed - thing.

first kink event

Eve and I went to our first kink event this weekend - “SINSations in Leather.” It was an amazing two days filled with a few unexpected and intense moments and whole lot of fun. We connected with a lot of people, enjoyed several new experiences and shared the most intense connection during play that we ever have. We came home with a lot: new friends, club memberships, a lexan cane, a book on rope bondage, some beautiful bamboo rope, and plans to buy a whole lot of hemp rope and to put it to good use as soon as we can. My mind is still whirling and I know I’ll have a lot to share in coming days. Until then…

7 things I learned at my first kink event:

1. I am in LOVE with rope. I’m totally smitten…and I think it loves me too.

2. It is quite possible to cum from something as simple as the smell of hemp under your nose, the touch of a dominant (or two!) on the back of your neck, and soft whispering in your ear. I don’t know this from experience but he said it was possible and given the way it made me feel I have no doubt that he is right.

3. Having rope wrapped lovingly and precisely around your body is an experience filled with many sensual delights. The indentations left on your body from rope bondage form beautiful patterns that last for hours after the ropes have been taken off.

4. Kinky people have fantastic hearing when it comes to kink related talk. For example, if when you are looking at textured paddles with a dominant who wonders what they feel like and you make a sarcastic comment about presenting your ass to try it out and being ignored, all the kinky folk in the room will hear it. The resulting comments will be funny but embarrassing and you will turn about 12 shades of red.

5. It is impossible not to squirm, dance around, and squeal when experiencing the violet wand for the first time.

6. A submissive squirming, dancing around and squealing during a violet wand demo is high entertainment for every dominant in the room and they will absolutely comment loudly and otherwise share their enjoyment with the entire room from where they sit. If you are that submissive, you will once again turn about 12 shades of red.

7. Being bent over a chair fully clothed, pretend fucked, and talked dirty to by a stranger in front of a room full of people as a visual aid to help a presenter tell a story during a “Sensual Humiliation” session is every bit as humiliating and embarrassing as the real deal. Yep, you guessed it - another 12 shades of red.

quiet ritual

Sometimes she sits to complete the ritual, others she kneels.  It depends upon where her thoughts and emotions have led her, and where he has taken her, before this quiet time arrives.  Tonight, she misses her Sir and she already knows which posture will make her feel most connected to him.  Only moments ago she was full of motion - inside and out.  But now, having slipped deliberately to her knees the motion ceases.  As her hands settle down upon her lap, she finds stillness and begins. 

She tilts her chin up as she closes her eyes and draws a deep breath.  As her mind focuses in the direction that he has asked her to take, her lips turn up softly.  She can feel him there with her and he fills her in every possible way - mentally, emotionally, even physically although he is many miles away.  Tonight, this is the only way that she can be with or speak with him.  It is enough - but barely - to feel the ghost touch of his hand on her shoulder, to hear the echo of his voice, to bask in the warmth of the memory of his smile… and to know that he will be happy with her obedience.

After she is done and begins to rise she can’t help but wonder… did he hear the thoughts and silent prayer of thanks that she sent him as a whisper on the wind?  Did his thoughts turn unexpectedly toward her or did he suddenly see an image of her on her knees, waiting for him to return in patience and obedience, reveling in the pleasure of simply being his?