protocol, failure, punishment

I haven't been held to protocol before and I'm having a difficult time with it. I understand the concepts that Sir has instructed me in but I'm not used to such formality. Before I know it, I've slipped up. Sometimes I realize it but most of the time I don't until I am reminded.

While Sir has been very patient, he is a stickler for proper protocol and I fear that I am turning out to be somewhat of a disappointment to him in this area. Yesterday's lapse couldn't have come at a worse moment. It was a serious breach and one that had already been forgiven. My apology for this transgression was proper – but also missing something. Sir left it to me to figure out and when I finally did I felt another nail slam into the lid of my coffin.

I had a fair idea that this additional lapse wasn't singular and Sir's words confirmed that for me. In a bit of a panic, I've gone back through everything in my mind and discovered 4 more lapses that also include Ma'am. So now 5 transgressions I know of, including the one with exceptionally bad timing. I'm sure that there are probably more – Sir has a keen eye for such things.

Each transgression I uncovered hammered home the twin points that I had disappointed and failed Sir and Ma'am. I didn't feel capable of following even simple instructions. I thought my Sir and Ma'am deserve much better...

It wasn't long before the tears came. Each discovered lapse, each apology issued, mired me deeper into my failures. And since I wasn't yet certain that I would be punished, I began punishing myself. I didn't get much sleep last night...and I was ill this morning as a result of torturing myself with what was already outside of my control. I knew that Ma'am and Sir would be discussing this – me – this morning but I rushed to check my email before even getting my coffee.

The crazy thing is – once Sir confirmed to me that I would be punished I found peace. I don't yet know when or how my punishment will come but I'm no longer dwelling on those moments where I have been found lacking. My mind has fallen into calm acceptance of my fate and I now wait with patience.

Sir's confirmation has freed me to concentrate on the more important matter of correcting my deficiencies despite the unpleasant matter we must attend to in the near future.