shadow of punishment

There is no worse feeling than that of having the shadow of well deserved punishment hanging over you. You can't hide from it, it's there every moment, and it seems to permeate and taint everything...reminding you of your failure and what an utter disappointment you've been. Right now the feeling is particularly acute because despite knowing better I couldn't seem to stop myself from acting out.

Last week I pushed Ma'am with increasing intensity. I was argumentative and challenging. I made a wholly inappropriate sarcastic comment. My attitude and behavior have been terrible and I've been fighting her control. I deserve to be punished without a doubt.

The problem is that I don't know why I'm acting this way...and I don't really intend to do it. I've been trying to be good but then out comes this tone...or those inappropriate words. More often than not my protocol goes out the window...

What's wrong with me? Why have I suddenly turned into a brat?

I can only hope that my punishment - whenever it comes - will help to nip whatever this is in the bud...