crying over cake

Last night a very intense experience with Ma'am came crashing to an unexpected and abrupt halt. I felt a flash of pain and automatically moved in a way that I shouldn't have. End result – one slightly injured girl and one very concerned Ma'am.

Ma'am sat me down and comforted me while I sniffled my way through the pain and feelings of having done something wrong. When it became clear that I was actually injured, I sat shaking as Ma'am explained to me that she wanted me to change and that she would be taking care of me for the rest of the evening. I started to argue before thinking better of it and had to remind myself that it was not my decision. I quietly submitted to her wishes but I wasn't happy about it.

For the rest of the night I was unexpectedly emotional. Tears remained inexplicably just under the surface and I found myself crying at times for no apparent reason. When Ma'am mentioned she was going to go get a midnight snack, I tearfully begged her to permit me to get it for her. It surprised us both, I think, that I was crying over not being allowed to get her a piece of cake.

I understand that things can happen unexpectedly. I understand that sometimes Ma'am will need to take care of me. I even understand that what happened was an accident and I'm not at fault. What I don't understand is why I was so overly emotional and why the very idea of Ma'am getting herself a snack brought me to tears...

winds of change

The winds of change have been blowing these past few weeks as Ma'am and I have adjusted to our revised situation. Ma'am didn't waste much time in ensuring her control – as I mentioned before, she made special effort to keep my service as consistent and seamless as possible. Within days of Sir S's leaving I was given new responsibilities and those of my rules that had come solely from Sir were suspended and subsequently revised or eliminated. And when I was emotionally ready, Ma'am gave me my most severe beating to date. It was the first time that she provided me with lasting marks and I was proud and happy to bear them for her. A couple of days later, I learned what it felt like to have fresh marks laid over those first...

Obviously, serving one dominant is very different from serving two. I'd expected that it would be far less time consuming to serve one but so far this hasn't proven to be true. But I do find that the challenges of my service and submission have shifted into an entirely different arena. Being able to have my full focus on Ma'am and her desires and needs has opened me up to a different level that I haven't reached before. I've taken the first steps on the road to learning things about myself as a submissive that I don't think I would have come to in our trio. The dual power structure and my own thoughts on it provided barriers to my awareness of things that have been hanging me up and getting in my way.

For the moment, these steps have primarily been confined to my head – little pearls of potential wisdom hidden in random thoughts. I need to take some time to grab hold of these thoughts, turn them this way and that, discover their full implications. For the moment, though, I do know better where I need to be more vigilant or work harder for Ma'am.