avoidance and forgiveness

For the past several weeks, I haven't been able to write much. Every time I sat down at the computer or picked up my journal I suddenly became listless and my mind would go blank. There were words, thoughts, feelings just under the surface and somehow I just couldn't get to them. It didn't bother me at first, it happens from time to time, but as the days stretched into weeks I realized that I was indulging in a classic avoidance maneuver. There was something on my mind, something I needed to give voice and attention to, and until I did nothing else was going to be written.

To say that I didn't know what I was avoiding isn't entirely accurate. At one point I traced back the timing of my block and pinpointed a likely suspect. I'd had an unexpectedly emotional response to some of the contents of an email from a friend – a resumed thread of conversation relating to something that happened half a year ago. His insights and questions opened a wound I'd thought was closed and brought with it a pain that was every bit as intense as the original wounding. I REALLY didn't want that to be the thing I was avoiding so I convinced myself it must be something else. Until I realized that I still hadn't answered that email. Was, in fact, avoiding it too.

So now, eight days before the anniversary of the day that he told me he wanted to be my Master, I'll admit to the fact that six months after he left us I hadn't yet fully faced up to the reality of my feelings about Sir S and the disparity between the dominant/man I thought he was and the dominant/man he proved to be. I hadn't wanted to believe what I knew to be true – that I was not as important to him as he was to me, that he did not love me as I loved him, that the bond between us was rather one-sided. I didn't want to face my own dismay at the bond I still sometimes feel and my feelings of responsibility for having brought him and the pain he caused into our lives.... I didn't want to believe or feel any of this so I pushed it deep inside and ignored it as best I could until the day I came face to face with it in my inbox.

It may be a while yet before all of my hurts have fully healed but they are no longer open wounds. I walked back through the fire of my pain and finally obtained a certain peace with it all. Once again I have grieved – not for the loss of Sir S this time but for the loss of the illusions I clung to and the reality of a relationship comprised of unrequited love, disrespect and lack of commitment. I've forgiven Sir S for the pain he intentionally caused and I've forgiven myself.

For the record, I don't regret choosing Sir S as my dominant. I learned a lot from him and have memories that I will always treasure. It doesn't really matter if he wasn't who I thought he was or whether I was important to him. He was my Sir and he was important to me. I gave him my submission and he gave it back to me a changed and deeper thing. But most importantly, he gave me the most special and unexpected gift of all – he gave me Ma'am.