drop

My professional life has gone into chaos – I’ve been working way too many hours and it’s been a demoralizing month or so where it seems almost everything that should be under control is not. The powers that be have been tinkering with the infrastructure again and just about everyone is overwhelmed by the volume of work and underwhelmed by management’s response to our plight. To say I’m a bit stressed is an understatement.

Predictably, the stress has been bringing out both submissive and masochistic tendencies that I’m sorry to say haven’t been able to have much free reign during this period. I’ve been craving discipline, a harsh hand and tighter control. Unfortunately, life and work have been getting in the way of my time with Ma’am. Pair that with an unfortunate misunderstanding with Ma’am during our last session and an inadvertent rebuff a couple of nights ago and you have very fertile ground for the emotional hijacking known as sub-drop.

I’ve been fighting it since Saturday evening but it’s a persistent boomerang that keeps coming back. Some moments I’m perfectly fine but others I’m plagued by a pervasive sadness and terrible thoughts that Ma’am is either no longer interested in me or not fully committed to our D/s relationship (both which I know not to be true in more logical moments). Last night it got so bad that I had to get out of bed in fear that the tears that were trembling just under the surface would wake her… the same tears that threatened to overtake me on my lunch break as the miserable emotions inside me tried to convince me that Ma’am had actually intended to reject me on Saturday evening.

Right now all I want is to curl up next to Ma’am’s feet and feel the soothing touch of her hands in my hair. Or be pulled across her lap and feel the bite of her hands coming down upon my naked ass. But I won't see her until tomorrow night...and thinking and yearning for this only makes the sadness more acute.

Sub-drop is an insidious and terrible thing - a form of torture that not even the most hardcore masochist can enjoy. And I am definitely not a hardcore masochist.