One thing never occurred to me as I thought about my first punishment – Punishment Protocol.
So picture this: there I was about to be punished for my recent protocol transgressions...and I'm given new protocol to learn!
I imagine the look that crossed my face as this sunk in was priceless. But you can bank on the fact that my protocol in this area was perfect.
And no, I didn't appreciate the humor of it at the time.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
finding absolution
Sometimes I surprise myself. Until Friday evening's punishment, I have never attained such grace in facing a punishment, never been so focused or in tune to how my dominant was feeling/experiencing things and never known the rewards that are unique to each of these qualities. It sounds strange to say but my punishment was both an enlightening and positive experience. I feel as if I am already a better submissive for having gone through it.
My path toward absolution included much more than penance. It was filled with reflection, surprise, and lessons of a different nature than those I was being disciplined for. I discovered a certain strength and courage I didn't know I had. I was surprised by some aspects I found difficult and others that were easy and natural. I have never experienced a punishment quite like it nor from the mental perspective I found on Friday.
Of course, it was not without it's uncomfortable moments and certainly not without pain. It was punishment. I was being held accountable for my failures and that is never an easy thing. But I came through. I did my penance and found absolution.
Ma'am and Sir were both extremely pleased and proud of their girl...but I have to admit – I was too.
My path toward absolution included much more than penance. It was filled with reflection, surprise, and lessons of a different nature than those I was being disciplined for. I discovered a certain strength and courage I didn't know I had. I was surprised by some aspects I found difficult and others that were easy and natural. I have never experienced a punishment quite like it nor from the mental perspective I found on Friday.
Of course, it was not without it's uncomfortable moments and certainly not without pain. It was punishment. I was being held accountable for my failures and that is never an easy thing. But I came through. I did my penance and found absolution.
Ma'am and Sir were both extremely pleased and proud of their girl...but I have to admit – I was too.
Friday, July 25, 2008
endless
Today is the day. My first punishment will come this evening.
I've been nervous all day yet determined to take what I am due with both courage and grace. Tonight, I will be properly respectful and I will not fail to use proper protocol. Tonight, I will make Ma'am and Sir proud.
The tasks I needed to complete are done. I am properly attired and packed. I am ready. And now I wait...
...and it seems endless.
I've been nervous all day yet determined to take what I am due with both courage and grace. Tonight, I will be properly respectful and I will not fail to use proper protocol. Tonight, I will make Ma'am and Sir proud.
The tasks I needed to complete are done. I am properly attired and packed. I am ready. And now I wait...
...and it seems endless.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
protocol, failure, punishment
I haven't been held to protocol before and I'm having a difficult time with it. I understand the concepts that Sir has instructed me in but I'm not used to such formality. Before I know it, I've slipped up. Sometimes I realize it but most of the time I don't until I am reminded.
While Sir has been very patient, he is a stickler for proper protocol and I fear that I am turning out to be somewhat of a disappointment to him in this area. Yesterday's lapse couldn't have come at a worse moment. It was a serious breach and one that had already been forgiven. My apology for this transgression was proper – but also missing something. Sir left it to me to figure out and when I finally did I felt another nail slam into the lid of my coffin.
I had a fair idea that this additional lapse wasn't singular and Sir's words confirmed that for me. In a bit of a panic, I've gone back through everything in my mind and discovered 4 more lapses that also include Ma'am. So now 5 transgressions I know of, including the one with exceptionally bad timing. I'm sure that there are probably more – Sir has a keen eye for such things.
Each transgression I uncovered hammered home the twin points that I had disappointed and failed Sir and Ma'am. I didn't feel capable of following even simple instructions. I thought my Sir and Ma'am deserve much better...
It wasn't long before the tears came. Each discovered lapse, each apology issued, mired me deeper into my failures. And since I wasn't yet certain that I would be punished, I began punishing myself. I didn't get much sleep last night...and I was ill this morning as a result of torturing myself with what was already outside of my control. I knew that Ma'am and Sir would be discussing this – me – this morning but I rushed to check my email before even getting my coffee.
The crazy thing is – once Sir confirmed to me that I would be punished I found peace. I don't yet know when or how my punishment will come but I'm no longer dwelling on those moments where I have been found lacking. My mind has fallen into calm acceptance of my fate and I now wait with patience.
Sir's confirmation has freed me to concentrate on the more important matter of correcting my deficiencies despite the unpleasant matter we must attend to in the near future.
While Sir has been very patient, he is a stickler for proper protocol and I fear that I am turning out to be somewhat of a disappointment to him in this area. Yesterday's lapse couldn't have come at a worse moment. It was a serious breach and one that had already been forgiven. My apology for this transgression was proper – but also missing something. Sir left it to me to figure out and when I finally did I felt another nail slam into the lid of my coffin.
I had a fair idea that this additional lapse wasn't singular and Sir's words confirmed that for me. In a bit of a panic, I've gone back through everything in my mind and discovered 4 more lapses that also include Ma'am. So now 5 transgressions I know of, including the one with exceptionally bad timing. I'm sure that there are probably more – Sir has a keen eye for such things.
Each transgression I uncovered hammered home the twin points that I had disappointed and failed Sir and Ma'am. I didn't feel capable of following even simple instructions. I thought my Sir and Ma'am deserve much better...
It wasn't long before the tears came. Each discovered lapse, each apology issued, mired me deeper into my failures. And since I wasn't yet certain that I would be punished, I began punishing myself. I didn't get much sleep last night...and I was ill this morning as a result of torturing myself with what was already outside of my control. I knew that Ma'am and Sir would be discussing this – me – this morning but I rushed to check my email before even getting my coffee.
The crazy thing is – once Sir confirmed to me that I would be punished I found peace. I don't yet know when or how my punishment will come but I'm no longer dwelling on those moments where I have been found lacking. My mind has fallen into calm acceptance of my fate and I now wait with patience.
Sir's confirmation has freed me to concentrate on the more important matter of correcting my deficiencies despite the unpleasant matter we must attend to in the near future.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
a tough day
Today I am...struggling.
6 more rules. An accidental lapse in protocol that may have earned me my first punishment from Sir. A flare of petulance and/or stubbornness within me that I am trying very hard not to let come through to Sir or Ma'am. *Sigh*...I've even contemplated willful disobedience.
I'm basically a good girl. I'm learning a lot and trying very hard to be the best girl I can for Sir and Ma'am. But some moments are very hard...
6 more rules. An accidental lapse in protocol that may have earned me my first punishment from Sir. A flare of petulance and/or stubbornness within me that I am trying very hard not to let come through to Sir or Ma'am. *Sigh*...I've even contemplated willful disobedience.
I'm basically a good girl. I'm learning a lot and trying very hard to be the best girl I can for Sir and Ma'am. But some moments are very hard...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
the first of my rules
I woke this morning to find a writing assignment and the first of my rules. It was entirely unexpected and discovered sans coffee. Who knew that such a discovery could rival coffee's awakening powers!
The list of rules is mercifully short and missing one that I had expected. I'll admit that I honed in on that fact right away and plan to take full advantage of the continued allowance of something I had assumed would be forbidden me right away. I'm sure that certain of my hedonistic habits aren't going to fly under the radar for long...
Unsurprisingly, one of my new rules chafes a bit. It will be difficult to follow as it pertains to something I do naturally that I must now be mindful of. Sir was very patient in explaining his reasons for this particular rule when I requested clarification and a specific exemption from it.
Understanding the purpose behind the rule doesn't make it easier to follow though, does it?
The list of rules is mercifully short and missing one that I had expected. I'll admit that I honed in on that fact right away and plan to take full advantage of the continued allowance of something I had assumed would be forbidden me right away. I'm sure that certain of my hedonistic habits aren't going to fly under the radar for long...
Unsurprisingly, one of my new rules chafes a bit. It will be difficult to follow as it pertains to something I do naturally that I must now be mindful of. Sir was very patient in explaining his reasons for this particular rule when I requested clarification and a specific exemption from it.
Understanding the purpose behind the rule doesn't make it easier to follow though, does it?
Friday, July 18, 2008
it's official
So, yes...my search has ended. I am officially Sir's girl. But wait...there's MORE. I will not only have Sir to serve but a Ma'am as well – my partner Eve.
Eve has decided to join my journey and start her own – whether that means that she will act as a monitor and proxy for Sir, join him as co-Domme, or I will serve her apart from Sir, we don't know yet. We three still have a lot to discuss. Whatever we decide, life is about to get a heck of a lot more interesting...and maybe a little more nerve-wracking.
I'm a little overwhelmed by everything that's happened in the past 48 hours...but also soooo very excited! Would someone please pinch me so I know I'm not dreaming?
Eve has decided to join my journey and start her own – whether that means that she will act as a monitor and proxy for Sir, join him as co-Domme, or I will serve her apart from Sir, we don't know yet. We three still have a lot to discuss. Whatever we decide, life is about to get a heck of a lot more interesting...and maybe a little more nerve-wracking.
I'm a little overwhelmed by everything that's happened in the past 48 hours...but also soooo very excited! Would someone please pinch me so I know I'm not dreaming?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
a momentous day
I just finished telling a friend of mine that nothing momentous is happening in my life. And then something momentous did happen. A conversation turned, became heavy with intent, and I have heard these words:
“I want to be your Master.”
As I stand at this crossroads I can't help but ask myself....am I ready?
“I want to be your Master.”
As I stand at this crossroads I can't help but ask myself....am I ready?
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