puzzling calmness

I should be nervous right now but I find nothing but calmness and acceptance within. I know what will happen tonight... I'm to be caned. I will be bound so that I can not move away from Ma'am as I did last week. And I will be gagged so that I don't make too much noise.

Of course I accept what will happen. I have no choice in the matter. But this calmness is puzzling. I'm very afraid of the cane. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the pain that I know it is capable of inflicting. I'm afraid that I won't be able to take it as well as I know both my Ma'am and Sir want and expect. I'm afraid that I will disappoint both Ma'am and Sir by never coming to enjoy it as much as they hope.

The weight of my fear should be heavy by now...it's less than an hour away. So why am I not nervous?