no such thing as forgot

Today my mind is blissfully clear and much to my chagrin I know what happened on Thursday – and why I hid what I was doing from myself.

I was testing Ma'am, trying to provoke her to an overt display of dominance and control. I've done this before with other dominants when I was either uncertain of their control or craving such a display. But I've never been unaware that I was doing it and this is the thing that I found most troubling on Thursday. I didn't think it was possible that I just forgot and I didn't think I was testing Ma'am because I've always been aware of that.

I realize now that I hid it from myself because I knew that Ma'am wasn't ready for it. Ma'am is still getting comfortable with her new role and still figuring out what type of Domme she is. I'd actually written that day in my journal about how important it was that I don't push Ma'am beyond her current comfort level. I don't want to make things more difficult for her and I don't want to throw her into entirely uncharted waters unexpectedly.

And yet, hours after writing, I pushed. Ah, but it's a little more complicated than it seems. My pushing was designed not only to test my Ma'am – but also to provoke my Sir. Mission accomplished. Sir was NOT happy to hear about what happened and was onto my motivations well before I was. And Sir doesn't tolerate bratty behavior well.

*sigh* It seems like every time I realize and face an obstacle to my submission another pops up – all manufactured by my twisted little mind.