defining expectations

Last night conversation turned to my consistent protocol lapses with Ma'am and how it relates to my recent brattitude. While both my attitude and behavior have been much improved this weekend, I feel it is because I have been following the original form of my protocol as initially provided by my Sir. There have been many changes since I received those protocols – Ma'am has both added and subtracted elements – and there is a level of formality to them that Ma'am does not always hold me to.

When she commented on how good I've been and contrasted it to the week before last, I confessed to Ma'am that I'm frequently confused about her expectations and that rather than asking her directly to clarify this for me, I've been trying to take cues from her demeanor as to precisely which protocols are required of me. I fall short when I misread her which makes me feel inadequate or as if I am failing her.

In the week before my inner brat took over there were many such instances and I'd been coming down on myself pretty hard because of it. My frustration over my apparent inability to correctly determine Ma'am's expectations, and therefore to behave properly for her, piled up and turned into in a complete lack of confidence in my ability to properly serve and please her. As I continued to fall short I began to push her. I was giving her a reason to punish me because I felt that only her discipline would help me turn it all around.

I really botched things. I should have gone to Ma'am with how I was feeling. I should have asked her to clarify expectations when I struggled to determine them. I should have done so many things differently... I hope that next time I'll make better choices.

The upside is that Ma'am began outlining and defining her levels of protocol last night as I typed. Her protocols will be outlined separately from Sir's as will my punishment protocol. Once complete, I will have a definitive source of the expectations of both my Ma'am and Sir and all confusion should be eliminated.