dealing with my choice

After my last post, I had a string of bad days...somewhat dark days. I don't manage the disappointment of those important to me well at all. For me, the D word has a unique and all encompassing power. Nothing undermines my self esteem quicker or has the same power to make me feel completely worthless. I simply can't bear being a disappointment.

At first, Ma'am didn't know the full extent of what I was going through. She'd thought I was punishing myself over that terrible Tuesday – something I'm forbidden to do without immediately coming clean. Well, I was punishing myself and I did confess... but the resulting chastisement and lecture sent me deeper into my darkness. It was when I desperately begged for her forgiveness and the opportunity to make it up to her that she realized there might be something else going on.

After a couple of very long conversations, during which Ma'am couldn't have pried her girl from her leg with a crowbar, I finally reclaimed a bit of my self esteem. Ma'am helped me to see an important distinction in her disappointment. She hadn't been disappointed in me. She was disappointed by the unforeseen situation. Ma'am had been making plans for a rather memorable first use of that toy and some of it had been dependent upon my not knowing exactly what the toy would feel like. My playing with the toy removes that element of surprise and changes the experience.

This has turned out to be a potent learning experience. Although I didn't do anything specifically wrong, I made a choice that took something from my Ma'am and that shouldn't happen. In the future, I will be much more careful with the choices I make. I will be sure not to assume that something is OK if it hasn't specifically been prohibited.

I won't be punished but there have already been some repercussions from my choice – I'm back in hands off mode and I have a new rule pertaining to any personal play I might be permitted in the future. I'm pretty sure the periods of blanket permission for a week or two are to be a thing of the past. And Ma'am assures me that I will make it up to her...