the drawback of being good

I've been a very good girl lately....it's been more than 3 weeks since I've earned a punishment. And yet...I find that I miss some aspects of those times when I more frequently required my Doms' discipline. It's not the punishment itself that I miss and it certainly isn't that terrible feeling of having disappointed. What I miss is the opportunity for learning and growth it provided me. I learned a lot in my earlier days of service and as my punishments have become less so have my training sessions and reflective assignments. I'm craving the tighter control that I felt in those days as well.

Some days it seems as if being a good girl is not all it's cracked up to be...but I can't imagine trying to be anything else.

a little surprise

Weeks ago, I'd picked up on something from Ma'am that I'm not sure she'd realized she was interested in. It was similar in nature to what I picked up on regarding the shoe fetish she hadn't yet recognized and so I began a search for the perfect plaid skirt. Yesterday I found it.

Ma'am's reaction to seeing me in my new plaid skirt with knee socks and Mary Jane heels was better than I'd hoped. The look on her face told me all I needed to know. It was the perfect surprise. She could barely wait to bend me over to get to my white panty clad bottom.

Ma'am's delight was really all I needed as a reward but there was an added bonus... Ma'am was so pleased with her surprise that she was feeling very generous about my scheduled caning. She was so gentle with it that I've begun to wonder if my fears of it are entirely justified...

puzzling calmness

I should be nervous right now but I find nothing but calmness and acceptance within. I know what will happen tonight... I'm to be caned. I will be bound so that I can not move away from Ma'am as I did last week. And I will be gagged so that I don't make too much noise.

Of course I accept what will happen. I have no choice in the matter. But this calmness is puzzling. I'm very afraid of the cane. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the pain that I know it is capable of inflicting. I'm afraid that I won't be able to take it as well as I know both my Ma'am and Sir want and expect. I'm afraid that I will disappoint both Ma'am and Sir by never coming to enjoy it as much as they hope.

The weight of my fear should be heavy by now...it's less than an hour away. So why am I not nervous?