lost in thought

I know, I know...I've been pretty quiet here lately. It's primarily because the cacophony in my head has been deafening. While some of my thoughts and insights over the past several weeks have been valuable, for the most part I've been tilting windmills and brooding too much on the past.

When our situation changed at the end of November, I began to approach my submission in a different way. Having only Ma'am to answer to, I was afraid that my tendency to push her would increase and that I was in danger of becoming a brat. So I started to pay very close attention to every interaction with Ma'am, taking great care to always be obedient and to display the proper attitude. That I felt the need to pay such careful attention got me thinking... and a frank look at my months in service to two dominants revealed that in large part my submission to Ma'am was a product of my submission to Sir S.

This, of course, led to all manner of torturous thoughts on the history and nature of my submission. I realized an appalling trend of testing and pushing Ma'am and I began to doubt that I'd ever truly submitted to her. I realized that I hadn't been as good or obedient as I'd thought. The more I brooded, the more I started to see my submission as something of a train wreck. And I began to struggle with submission in ways that would have been more common when I first entered service. I felt as if I didn't know how to submit or that I wasn't capable of it.

But, even as I struggled with all of this, I DID make changes in my attitude and behavior. This is the thing I've been forgetting when mulling over all the negatives. I've been agonizing over things that no longer exist...and not giving myself credit where credit is due.

For the past 6 weeks, there is no doubt that I HAVE submitted to my Ma'am. I've identified and corrected flaws in my behavior and attitude and have not pushed or tested her. I've submitted in times when I had difficulty seeing purpose or meaning in my submission. I've submitted despite being entirely uncertain of her control. I've been a good and obedient girl – in fact, in the past 6 weeks, I've been a better girl to my Ma'am than I ever have.

I need to stop looking back. I've learned all I can from the past. Continuing to focus on it only serves to cloud my perception of the future...