overthinking

I'm doing an absolutely stellar job of over thinking lately - my mind has been working overtime and I've been spinning my mental wheels on a few things that I know I need to discuss with my Ma'am. Every time I think I'm on the verge of figuring something out, some reasoning or other brings me back to the beginning and around I go again...

But last night a random question from Ma'am stopped me dead in my tracks. It was an innocent question but one that had to do with one of the things I've been thinking so much about. My answer would require explanation...and confession. Normally, I'm very good about telling on myself and I generally do so right away. But this time confession has been harder and longer in coming because I'm not sure how much of what I needed to divulge to Ma'am might actually be disobedience and how much was me unconsciously getting in my own way. Where I kept hitting the wall was wondering if it mattered whether I knew what I was doing...I wasn't following one of my rules as diligently as I should have and, regardless of whether I realized it or not, is there any way to see it as something other than disobedience?

Although I didn't feel ready to have the conversation yet, I did answer Ma'am's question. I confessed and explained as best I could. I told her what I'd realized I'd been doing, how I wasn't sure how much of it I was truly aware of, how I'd gone about changing my daily routine to ensure that it doesn't happen in the future. Saying the words out loud brought my perception to an entirely different level and I suddenly felt as if I'd been wrong to wait. The feeling has stayed with me all day today and I've begun to wonder if this is just another way in which I've held something of myself back in my submission to Ma'am or tried to retain some measure of control in our relationship...

There's one thing I do know for sure, though – there is no such thing as an innocent question from one's dominant.