training update

I've had four training sessions with the gag so far and on the whole I believe I'm starting to acclimate to it. While I seem to continue to have some difficulties in my initial acceptance of the gag, I've gotten better at wearing it for an extended period and my panic episodes have diminished in frequency. I've come to terms with the fact that I will drool while wearing it (although I still find it rather distasteful) and made strides in fighting the compulsion to swallow. This, I think, is my most important progress as my inability to swallow properly is one of my main triggers for panicking.

Ma'am has varied each of my training sessions and introduced different positions and different methods of pain and stimulation into each. In my last session, I wore the gag tightly for the first time. A different and harsher pain than previous sessions was incorporated and one of my big fears was realized – crying while gagged. This is something I was very afraid to experience - I didn't think I'd be able to deal with crying in a gag. The very idea of it instilled intense fears of choking and suffocation. Fears I hope I'll be able to put behind me now that I've gone through the first experience.

It hadn't been part of Ma'am's plan to bring me to tears... There came a point when I knew that they were coming and I wouldn't be able to stop them. I began to breathe deeply and rapidly, trying to be calm and trying to push my rising fear aside. Ma'am could see I was struggling and was very encouraging – the sound of her voice helped to anchor me and soothe a bit of the edge. And as my tears loomed ever closer I put the full force of my focus on trying not to fight them, resisting the urge to compulsively swallow as I normally do when trying not to cry.

And then they came.

I sought Ma'am's eyes when they started to fall – saw a flash of surprise and the tenderness they held as she gently wiped them away. I was suddenly, and strangely, calm. These were quiet, gentle tears with no distress. A detached part of my mind wondered idly when my airflow would be cut off, wondered how I was so calm on the cusp of such great fear, but I was untouched by it. I was drooling a lot...but that didn't seem to matter to me either.

Shortly after the tears had run their course, my nose plugged up and I felt my fear creep back in. I could breathe around the gag but I wasn't getting enough air. I signed to Ma'am that I needed the gag removed and bowed my head as she unfastened the strap. Once removed, I blew my nose and took a few deep, deep breaths to prove to myself that I could breathe. I was ready to resume my allotted time. I put the gag back in my mouth and bowed my head for Ma'am to refasten it. When I looked again into Ma'am's eyes, I saw her pride and had to close my eyes for a moment. I still don't have words for how I felt in that moment...

I don't know what caused the tears. It could have been a form of release from the pain and heavy emotion that I'd recently made my way through. It could have been the pain itself or something I haven't begun to understand yet about the depth of my feelings of submission. What I do know is that these tears were important and cathartic. It was the first time that I barely registered the drooling (and was unconcerned about it when I did) and the release they provided allowed me to continue wearing the gag in a more peaceful state, somehow purged of some of those things that get in the way.