doubts and fears

For months now, I’ve been feeling rather unsettled and dissonant in my relationship with Ma’am and my feelings of rebellion have continued to grow. I’ve been afraid that we may not be on the same path in exploring D/s, in particular the power exchange aspects, or that we are not compatible as Ma’am and girl. Wants (needs?) have gone unmet and there have been several broken promises throughout the duration of my time with Ma’am... all of this combined has affected the manner in which I submit and my perceptions of our D/s relationship, Ma’am’s authority, and prospects of our future in D/s in a negative way.

I spend a lot of time and effort keeping myself in check when it comes to acting out, pushing or testing Ma’am because I've learned that indulging these feelings never turns out the way I’d hoped. It usually serves to validate something I’d rather wasn’t validated and fills me with doubts. I fear my self-imposed inability to allow myself to indulge my rebellious thoughts and act out on occasion is a hindrance to my further development as a submissive. Even worse - I sometimes feel as if I submit more to myself than I do to my Ma’am and that the power exchange aspects of our relationship exist only in my head. I long to let go of this tight control of myself and have my Ma’am take charge of it. Each time I hold back provides further fuel to the fire of my internal rebellion and I worry that it will soon grow beyond my ability to control it.

Ma’am and I have recently talked about all of this and while I don’t exactly agree with her thoughts on what will ultimately make me feel better about our future, I’m trying to be patient, keep an open mind, and focus on what we have together now. She has also made it clear that she does not want me to continue to hold myself in check so tightly. The thought makes me uneasy and I’m not sure I can just stop. I’m afraid that if I do stop and continue to get away with the small displays of attitude or petulance and inappropriate (or lack of) responses that I a have gotten away with in the past, our D/s relationship will erode away to nothing.