sub drop

Until this past week, I haven't really given sub drop much thought. I had preconceived notions of what I had to feel or experience first as a submissive before I would come to the point where sub drop might be an issue. I didn't think I'd gone deep enough into submission or had intense enough experiences yet. I thought I would first have to reach that la-la land type of trance-like subspace and be high on endorphins or adrenaline before I'd have to struggle unwittingly through the infamous and enigmatic phenomenon called sub drop.

Not so, apparently. I've recently realized that I've gone through sub drop on a number of occasions. Some of those occasions were difficult to get through and some not so bad. Some of them (in retrospect) were pretty obviously sub drop and some were not so obvious. All of them were filled with emotion that blindsided me and left me struggling to understand where it was coming from.

Due to this recent discovery, I'm coming to have a very different understanding of sub drop and am starting to think that there are more nuances to it than I'd thought. Unlike most things I've read, I don't think that sub drop is reliant upon or necessarily precluded by endorphin/adrenaline laden experiences. I think it can be triggered by emotionally intense scenes and not just those that provide a chemical high.

My submissive experience to date has included much intensity – both physical and emotional. Sometimes just letting go and submitting can be intense and I find myself feeling sad for no apparent reason a day or two later. While this is certainly different from the uncontrollable trembling and tearful despair I experienced on the evening that I cried over not being permitted to get Ma'am a piece of cake, I think both can be attributed to sub drop. I just wasn't connecting the dots because that type of intensity didn't fall within the scope of what I had heard about what sub drop was.

I wish people would talk more about this topic and their experiences with it. Everyone is different and we can't all experience things in the same way. But everything I've read seems to say the same thing about when it could happen, what causes it and what a sub goes through. Most definitions seem to narrowly categorize something that seems to me to be so much larger and more comprehensive. Since much of what I've heard seemed not to apply to my experience, I didn't recognize it when I was going through it. Even when I blogged about some of these experiences and my confusion about my emotional state no one thought to mention that it might be sub drop. I suppose that those who read my posts might have thought that going through subdrop would be an obvious thing to me and my Ma'am, but it's not. Those of us who are newer to this world can find ourselves overwhelmed by feelings they don't understand that might be easily remedied.

For example – twice in the last month I have experienced serious sub drop while I was still in Ma'am's collar. On both occasions, intense activities were brought to a sudden and complete stop. The emotional nosedive I experienced in short order was frightening. Aftercare was provided but neither Ma'am nor I had any real understanding of what was happening to me or what I needed at that point. That neither of us understood my emotional state put unintentional distance between us – which, of course, made things much worse. I couldn't properly articulate the depth of what I was feeling, I didn't know what I needed to feel better and it honestly never occurred to me that sub drop was the culprit. I felt inexplicably and inordinately needy and I struggled with my feelings alone for days afterward, not wanting to worry my Ma'am with my fragile and vulnerable state of mind. I think that had at least one of us realized what was happening, much of the struggle and despair I felt would have been eliminated. Ma'am would have been able to give me (and I would have felt free to receive) the extra care that I needed to halt or lessen the emotional plummet.

From now on, I'm going to be on the lookout to help those that are struggling through sub drop that they haven't recognized. And I'm going to keep talking about it – starting with my Ma'am. I hope you all do too.

retro kink

Because I know that Ma'am takes great pleasure in coming home at the end of a long day to find her girl dressed in a skirt and heels, I tend to do a fair amount of shopping in an attempt to fill out my rather paltry collection. While Ma'am's preference seemed to be plaid mini skirts, winter in Chicago is not the best time to shop for them so few of my shopping trips have yielded results. In pondering a solution to this problem, a vision unfolded in my mind and revealed a bit of a kink I didn't realize I had – with a bit of retro flair.

My vision was inspired by the commonly portrayed 1950s era housewife. In my mind I could see myself greeting Ma'am at the door at the end of a long day with a drink and a kiss...wearing a vintage styled dress with close fitting bodice and a full swing skirt, topped off with a feminine half apron. I pictured myself kneeling in such a dress, skirt arranged just so, head bowed as I waited. Or being pulled over her lap and spanked, full skirt draping nicely....or even just making and serving her dinner dressed this way. Pretty pictures all. Definitely worth exploring.

A couple of weeks ago I found the perfect dress while shopping with Ma'am. The dress didn't fit quite right but when I came out of the fitting room wearing it and saw the look on her face I decided to share my vision with her. Ma'am's eyes lit as I told her what I'd pictured – it was the same look I saw the first time I wore a plaid skirt for her. It was pretty clear that this is a kink that we share.

The dress shop found the dress I'd tried on in my size at another store and had it shipped to me. Ma'am and I were both impatient as we waited for the package, we were eager to see if the initial vision would be all that we thought. A few days after it arrived, I prepared and served Ma'am dinner (meatloaf, of course!) in my dress, apron, and heels with hair and makeup authentic to the time period.

Kink confirmed! Ma'am and I both enjoyed the evening immensely and the reality, I think, had better effect than either of us expected.

lost in thought

I know, I know...I've been pretty quiet here lately. It's primarily because the cacophony in my head has been deafening. While some of my thoughts and insights over the past several weeks have been valuable, for the most part I've been tilting windmills and brooding too much on the past.

When our situation changed at the end of November, I began to approach my submission in a different way. Having only Ma'am to answer to, I was afraid that my tendency to push her would increase and that I was in danger of becoming a brat. So I started to pay very close attention to every interaction with Ma'am, taking great care to always be obedient and to display the proper attitude. That I felt the need to pay such careful attention got me thinking... and a frank look at my months in service to two dominants revealed that in large part my submission to Ma'am was a product of my submission to Sir S.

This, of course, led to all manner of torturous thoughts on the history and nature of my submission. I realized an appalling trend of testing and pushing Ma'am and I began to doubt that I'd ever truly submitted to her. I realized that I hadn't been as good or obedient as I'd thought. The more I brooded, the more I started to see my submission as something of a train wreck. And I began to struggle with submission in ways that would have been more common when I first entered service. I felt as if I didn't know how to submit or that I wasn't capable of it.

But, even as I struggled with all of this, I DID make changes in my attitude and behavior. This is the thing I've been forgetting when mulling over all the negatives. I've been agonizing over things that no longer exist...and not giving myself credit where credit is due.

For the past 6 weeks, there is no doubt that I HAVE submitted to my Ma'am. I've identified and corrected flaws in my behavior and attitude and have not pushed or tested her. I've submitted in times when I had difficulty seeing purpose or meaning in my submission. I've submitted despite being entirely uncertain of her control. I've been a good and obedient girl – in fact, in the past 6 weeks, I've been a better girl to my Ma'am than I ever have.

I need to stop looking back. I've learned all I can from the past. Continuing to focus on it only serves to cloud my perception of the future...

overthinking

I'm doing an absolutely stellar job of over thinking lately - my mind has been working overtime and I've been spinning my mental wheels on a few things that I know I need to discuss with my Ma'am. Every time I think I'm on the verge of figuring something out, some reasoning or other brings me back to the beginning and around I go again...

But last night a random question from Ma'am stopped me dead in my tracks. It was an innocent question but one that had to do with one of the things I've been thinking so much about. My answer would require explanation...and confession. Normally, I'm very good about telling on myself and I generally do so right away. But this time confession has been harder and longer in coming because I'm not sure how much of what I needed to divulge to Ma'am might actually be disobedience and how much was me unconsciously getting in my own way. Where I kept hitting the wall was wondering if it mattered whether I knew what I was doing...I wasn't following one of my rules as diligently as I should have and, regardless of whether I realized it or not, is there any way to see it as something other than disobedience?

Although I didn't feel ready to have the conversation yet, I did answer Ma'am's question. I confessed and explained as best I could. I told her what I'd realized I'd been doing, how I wasn't sure how much of it I was truly aware of, how I'd gone about changing my daily routine to ensure that it doesn't happen in the future. Saying the words out loud brought my perception to an entirely different level and I suddenly felt as if I'd been wrong to wait. The feeling has stayed with me all day today and I've begun to wonder if this is just another way in which I've held something of myself back in my submission to Ma'am or tried to retain some measure of control in our relationship...

There's one thing I do know for sure, though – there is no such thing as an innocent question from one's dominant.

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