dream a little dream

I'm exhausted and stressed...working long and crazy hours as the clock winds down to a major deadline at the end of the week. I'm usually very good at managing my stress but at times like these, when my work virtually eliminates my free time, stress starts to take effect. I'm having trouble sleeping and last night was the worst. The hours ticked by as I lay futilely trying to turn off my mind and get some rest. I was up half the night and woke very early from a dream that that made it hard to get back to sleep...it had aroused me so much and set my mind spinning the moment that consciousness crept in. I spent another couple of hours in tormented wakefulness lamenting my rule that restricts personal playtime without express permission...

That dream was so hard to get out of my head and still has some effect on me as I think about it now. I'd come home from work late, having forgotten to call and my Ma'am was waiting for me. But this version of Ma'am was very different – she was....stern....unrelenting. There the moment I walked in the door, ordering me to my knees to receive my service collar. She delivered a most effective scolding for my negligence as I knelt in the foyer and fairly dragged me into the bedroom by my hair when she had said her piece. Once there she pushed me firmly over the side of the bed and held me down with her knee, face planted in the mattress and bottom raised up, as she yanked my jeans down in record time. And then her belt was in her hand and she beat me so hard and fast that I almost couldn't keep up the proper count.

But Ma'am was not yet done with me – she'd decided that day that I needed to begin training and put me through unfamiliar paces for what seemed like hours. She watched me complete instruction after instruction, providing instant and painful correction each time I hesitated or failed to follow her instruction as expected. As I repeated my motions over and over, each time seeking to improve upon the last attempt, I lost myself in my tasks and achieved a grace I never thought I could possess. Finally she was satisfied, proud of and pleased with her girl, and by way of reward she took me roughly in the way she knows I like best and told me to cum for her...

Ah, this dream is so very telling...stress brings out my rougher side. It reveals the desire to lose myself in my submission and intensifies my ever present yearnings for control and discipline...I'm looking forward to my dreams tonight. :)

disciplinary fantasies

Last Tuesday, Ma'am sent me to work in my street collar. It was a punishment day and her intent was to ensure I achieved the proper attitude of contrition as it had been quite a while since that punishment had been earned. She wanted me to remember and to reinforce my state of mindfulness. Wearing her collar did it's intended job...frequently throughout the day my thoughts turned toward the “memory lapse” that led to the evening's business and my continued reflections on hidden motivations and leniency.

But what was unexpected were the little snippets of fantasy that came to me throughout the day. All were related to discipline – receiving a firm scolding as I knelt before my Ma'am, looking up into her eyes from my position on the floor; being thrown over her knee without warning for a spanking so hard and fast that proper counting is an impossibility; displaying my hot and reddened bottom for her with my panties half mast and jeans around my ankles.... Each of these moments pulled me from my sense of contrition into a place made more of excitement and arousal – which, I think, is not precisely the effect that Ma'am wanted to evoke.

Disciplinary fantasies, of course, are quite a different thing than punishment. They are uncolored by the emotion punishment brings with it as a matter of course. Within the framework of actual punishment my pleasant little daytime fantasies would not be arousing at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

What this seems to tell me, though, is that my craving for more regular discipline and tighter control is something that continually lurks just below the surface of my mind. And if I'm not careful and diligent, it is very likely that these desires will continue to lead me off the path of obedience.

Saturday's torment

Saturday, strung up for Ma'am, such delicious torment in store for me...

It was a couple of hours before we had to leave for our planned evening out. She had told me that she wanted to add some color to my shoulders and bottom but she had another plan that I didn't know anything about. So there I was, strung up and naked for her, my most sensitive places the objects of her complete attention.

Ma'am's caress – sometimes soft and lingering and sometimes insistent and forceful – mixed with the varied sensations of her crop, flogger and spoon. Her rhythm and build were perfect and I was primed to take everything she could give me and maybe a little more.

Again and again she teased me, bringing me up to the very edge of orgasm only to pull back and replace that sensuous touch with something more harsh – a pinched nipple, a kiss from her crop, the lick of the lash. Each time she checked I was wetter than the last...every inch of my skin so sensitive that the most gentle touch caused a rippling effect of quivering and shuddering from deep inside. I was fairly vibrating with a raw and powerful need...but Ma'am's plan had been to bring me to precisely that state and to leave me wanting for the rest of the evening.

I whimpered when she helped me down and told me to put on my street clothes...but I was a good girl who did her very best to put her aching need aside and dutifully went out to pick up dinner.

a perfect moment

Yesterday, another new experience - I found my way into subspace. Interestingly enough I didn't realize I had been there until I was trying to come out of it. Re-entry turned out to be a rather slow process...

Having been the first and an entirely unexpected trip, I don't plan on writing about that today. What I want to share is simply this – as I began to come back to my Ma'am and to the world, wrapped in a warm blanket with my head in her lap, I knew the perfection of a moment and that this is - without a doubt – the place that I was meant to be.