doing the right thing

Ma'am and I were going through some things the other night, gathering up items that we'd planned on getting rid of. I came across an old belt that I couldn't wear anymore and started to head over to the donation pile. As I looked down at the worn thick leather, I realized that this was a belt made for punishment and it occurred to me that this was probably the belt that Ma'am intended to use when the time inevitably comes. The obedient girl in me knew what I had to do...despite the fact that I did not need permission to get rid of something that belongs to me, I knew I should seek permission before giving the belt away. If Ma'am had had her eye on it, she'd be very disappointed to learn of it's loss when the time came to use it.

“Ma'am, do we need to keep this old belt for any reason?” I asked, holding the belt out to show her. I prayed that she'd say no. The leather was too thick not to pack a serious punch.

Ma'am paused in her work for only a moment. “No, stick it in the pile,” she told me without hesitation.

I turned and began walking over to the pile, a moment's relief to be rid of it. And yet as I went to drop it on the pile I found that I couldn't. I sighed. Clearly Ma'am didn't realize what she had given me permission to do. I turned back, belt still in hand, and walked back over to her.

“Are you sure we want to get rid of it?” The words didn't exactly come easy, “Um, I mean, when the need arises, do you have a belt to punish me with, Ma'am?”

“You have one I intend to use...Wait. Let me see that.”

Finally Ma'am realized what I was asking her. The belt never made it to the pile and has now been transferred into her possession.

Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing. Even the “good girl” I received is somewhat cold comfort when I think about being punished with that belt...

psycholgical effects

Last night Ma'am brought me into the bedroom, had me bend over the side of the bed. She seemed to be in a quieter mood than usual – dispatching quick instructions for me take the position she wanted before lifting my skirt and murmuring a compliment about the new panties I was wearing. Few words passed her lips and a couple of appreciative caresses were the only preamble she provided before sliding my panties down and beginning to firmly spank me.

After she'd provided a bit of color, Ma'am had me spread my legs for her. She rested her hand on the small of my back as first one and then two fingers slipped inside me. They danced around for a moment, searching for moisture, and while they did find some it was much less than expected. A disappointing discovery. And, of course, Ma'am commented on it.

I'll pause here for a moment. I know what you're thinking – I'm a girl who loves a good spanking, how is it possible that I disappointed my Ma'am in such a way? The answer is a little complicated but also quite simple...I didn't know it was permissible to take pleasure in this particular spanking.

When Ma'am led me into the bedroom, I didn't know what to expect. There were elements of this session that were a departure from our norm and the location and position Ma'am had me take were those I take when I am being punished. They're rarely used together any other time. And although the other aspects of my punishment ritual were not present, Ma'am's first strikes were more firm than usual. I was confused...it didn't really feel like a pleasure spanking. The overarching feeling was that I was being punished and so that is where my mind went. And my mind took my body with it.

I never find arousal during punishment – punishment is always an intense and heavily emotional thing for me. There is no place for pleasure in it...and so I didn't feel pleasure during this spanking. When Ma'am made her disappointment at not finding me wet from her attention known, in a way it validated that I was being punished. (Yes, I realize that's somewhat twisted...)

What is even more interesting, though, is that as things progressed there came a point when finally I knew without a doubt that I was not being punished. It was like throwing a switch – freed from the mental constraints of punishment, my body suddenly and quickly began to react. Pleasure surged through and I was suddenly a very wet girl begging for permission to cum...

dream a little dream

I'm exhausted and stressed...working long and crazy hours as the clock winds down to a major deadline at the end of the week. I'm usually very good at managing my stress but at times like these, when my work virtually eliminates my free time, stress starts to take effect. I'm having trouble sleeping and last night was the worst. The hours ticked by as I lay futilely trying to turn off my mind and get some rest. I was up half the night and woke very early from a dream that that made it hard to get back to sleep...it had aroused me so much and set my mind spinning the moment that consciousness crept in. I spent another couple of hours in tormented wakefulness lamenting my rule that restricts personal playtime without express permission...

That dream was so hard to get out of my head and still has some effect on me as I think about it now. I'd come home from work late, having forgotten to call and my Ma'am was waiting for me. But this version of Ma'am was very different – she was....stern....unrelenting. There the moment I walked in the door, ordering me to my knees to receive my service collar. She delivered a most effective scolding for my negligence as I knelt in the foyer and fairly dragged me into the bedroom by my hair when she had said her piece. Once there she pushed me firmly over the side of the bed and held me down with her knee, face planted in the mattress and bottom raised up, as she yanked my jeans down in record time. And then her belt was in her hand and she beat me so hard and fast that I almost couldn't keep up the proper count.

But Ma'am was not yet done with me – she'd decided that day that I needed to begin training and put me through unfamiliar paces for what seemed like hours. She watched me complete instruction after instruction, providing instant and painful correction each time I hesitated or failed to follow her instruction as expected. As I repeated my motions over and over, each time seeking to improve upon the last attempt, I lost myself in my tasks and achieved a grace I never thought I could possess. Finally she was satisfied, proud of and pleased with her girl, and by way of reward she took me roughly in the way she knows I like best and told me to cum for her...

Ah, this dream is so very telling...stress brings out my rougher side. It reveals the desire to lose myself in my submission and intensifies my ever present yearnings for control and discipline...I'm looking forward to my dreams tonight. :)

the currency of punishment

A new disciplinary policy went into effect this weekend – a system to track and provide correction for my smaller transgressions, those that Ma'am feels need to be dealt with yet do not warrant a strapping. The policy was inspired by a blog post we found on the web that Ma'am took a particular liking to.

Glass pebbles and stars have now become the currency of my punishment. In the middle of our living room an empty vase stands, flanked by two smaller vessels containing blue glass pebbles and translucent yellow stars. Each pebble placed in the vase will represent one firm swat to my bottom, earned by misconduct, improper focus, lapses of attention, or when Ma'am feels I am in need of a reminder. The little glass stars represent amnesty. If I am lucky enough to earn one of those, I may, with Ma'am's permission, remove a pebble from the vase and be forgiven a swat I'd previously earned.

It's a pretty arrangement with a less than pretty side. When I look at it, I don't see a jumble of pretty colored glass but a reminder to be well behaved and appropriately obedient. But I am reminded that my Ma'am loves me enough to provide discipline and additional motivation when I need it. And once the vase is no longer empty... I will be reminded of the ways I need to improve and that I do, in fact, need my Ma'am's discipline.

I wonder what my Ma'am sees when she looks upon the pebbles and stars?

disciplinary fantasies

Last Tuesday, Ma'am sent me to work in my street collar. It was a punishment day and her intent was to ensure I achieved the proper attitude of contrition as it had been quite a while since that punishment had been earned. She wanted me to remember and to reinforce my state of mindfulness. Wearing her collar did it's intended job...frequently throughout the day my thoughts turned toward the “memory lapse” that led to the evening's business and my continued reflections on hidden motivations and leniency.

But what was unexpected were the little snippets of fantasy that came to me throughout the day. All were related to discipline – receiving a firm scolding as I knelt before my Ma'am, looking up into her eyes from my position on the floor; being thrown over her knee without warning for a spanking so hard and fast that proper counting is an impossibility; displaying my hot and reddened bottom for her with my panties half mast and jeans around my ankles.... Each of these moments pulled me from my sense of contrition into a place made more of excitement and arousal – which, I think, is not precisely the effect that Ma'am wanted to evoke.

Disciplinary fantasies, of course, are quite a different thing than punishment. They are uncolored by the emotion punishment brings with it as a matter of course. Within the framework of actual punishment my pleasant little daytime fantasies would not be arousing at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

What this seems to tell me, though, is that my craving for more regular discipline and tighter control is something that continually lurks just below the surface of my mind. And if I'm not careful and diligent, it is very likely that these desires will continue to lead me off the path of obedience.

crime and punishment

This week my thoughts have turned toward crime and punishment – a direct by product of Ma'am informing me that the delayed punishment I earned several weeks ago would happen on Tuesday evening. I seem to fall into distinct patterns where my “crimes” are concerned and I'm currently in a cycle of one punishable transgression every 4 weeks. Per usual, when I take notice of a pattern I'm driven to poke and prod at it until I find out what's behind it.

I think that what lies behind the pattern to my transgression is that after a period when things are going well with Ma'am I start to crave discipline. I want to feel her control tighten, want to feel more submissive. I feel a need to be taken firmly (sometimes harshly) in hand and to be reminded of my place in a way that leaves no room for doubt.

I don't receive any type of maintenance discipline and am not in training at the moment so when this type of mood comes upon me it tends to stick around. For the most part, I'm well behaved and very focused on pleasing my Ma'am so I wouldn't consciously disobey her wishes or try to provoke a display of her dominance. So it might just be that unconsciously I am seeking a confirmed and relatively safe way to get that. Suddenly, I'm less mindful and realize that I've forgotten to do something that is part of weekly ritual or have done something forbidden throughout the course of the day. I've broken one of Ma'am's rules so I know I will be punished and receive the discipline and tighter control that I'm craving but I didn't really engage in willful disobedience so it is “safe.” The downside of this is that I've caused displeasure to my Ma'am and, well, I'm to be punished which has a much more negative connotation than discipline.

It's been 28 days since I've last transgressed – will recognizing the reason behind the pattern be enough to break it?

pondering leniency

Last week after I failed to completely follow one of my rules, I did something I've never done – I begged for leniency. Ma'am was as surprised by my plea as she was by my confessed misbehavior. But after careful consideration and some pointed discussion she granted it and spared me punishment with the belt. The problem is this – while I am grateful and relieved to have been afforded leniency, my having asked for it doesn't sit well with me. Even while I was doing it I realized that I was doing it out of fear and it didn't take long for a feeling of “wrongness” to settle over me. Had I been able to take it back, I would have...and yet in that moment I could do nothing else.

So for the past week or so I've been pondering the following - - Is begging for leniency an appropriate response to a transgression that earns punishment?

• Should I have merely confessed and done my best to quietly accept what was coming with as much grace as I could muster?
• Have I somehow diminished myself as a submissive in making a cowardly and selfish choice?

From the way I've been feeling, I'm pretty certain that I won't ask for leniency again any time soon. But I'd like to hear what others have to say on the topic. Is there a time and a place to ask for leniency in submission? If so, when is it appropriate and when is it not?

out of compliance

Just last night Ma'am was remarking on how good a girl I have been. Now, I have to say had been. Somehow I managed to forget a portion of one of my weekly rules today and had to report to her that I was out of compliance. Sigh...it is fully beyond my comprehension how one can suddenly forget to do something that is part of a regular schedule.

Ma'am also informed me last night that she is retiring her paddle as her preferred implement of punishment. What she has in mind for future punishments is something that I have been nervous about since I gave her the knowledge of exactly how effective a punishment it is – the belt. In all of my experience, a belt is the one thing has been exclusively used as a tool of punishment and the psychological effects on me are intense. I knew she would chose it eventually and I've thought with dread about the first time she punishes me with it. Now, it may well be upon me.

I've been wrapped in nerves all night...hoping that the time has not come, that today's transgression is not the one that has earned me this punishment...

a changed girl

There is always a somber note to a day spent in preparation for an evening punishment and today is no exception. Ma'am has placed me in her collar today while she works to help ensure my focus on her and the area where I have recently been found in need of some additional assistance and motivation to improve – a lack of attention to detail that has persisted despite several reminders and a reprimand. And while I also have work today, my other hours will contain a bit of necessary reflection and tasks in preparation of her arrival home to my full and all encompassing attention. I will be dressed and in position when she arrives, dinner will be in the oven, and her paddle within easy reach so that the bit of business that we have to attend to can be dispatched at her pleasure with the minimum of fuss.

I have faced this wait before but today has already proven to be different. I am not nervous and I am not fretting over my mistakes. I have not punished myself for my deficiency but wait patiently to face what will come with the grace of acceptance and a willingness to embrace Ma'am's discipline as a tool for learning.

This wait is different because I am different. My emotions and my thoughts are not the same as those I felt when I last faced punishment – back in December when I was still laboring under some ill conceived notions and was, despite his having released me, still Sir S's girl in some respects. I have traveled a somewhat rocky emotional path since then but I have learned and I have grown more than I thought was possible in such a short period of time. Tuesday's misstep provided a crucial bit of learning and opened my eyes to what is hopefully the last way that I have sabotaged my submission.

Today, just days past my 7 month anniversary in her service, I am unequivocally Ma'am's girl. I submit to her in her own right, no longer as a by product of my submission to another. My daily mantra begins “I submit to my Ma'am for I am hers...” and while these words used to serve partially as a reminder for me, the meaning is different now. They are a statement of fact – I am fully hers and I have finally allowed myself to fully submit. When I speak these words now, they are affirmation of my devotion and joy that I may call this special woman Ma'am.

I believe I now have a richer understanding of what it means to submit. And I feel as if I have finally moved out of the infancy of my submission and can more rightfully call myself a girl.