introspection and mentorship

It's no secret – I'm a fairly introspective girl. I'm not sure if it's natural progression – that I've reached a point where I'm not constantly mulling over every facet of what I'm doing wrong or that submission has changed my focus to be less inward – but lately I've noticed a more broad-based bend to my ponderings. It seems that more often than not these days when I have the time to write I'm mulling over more general topics or concepts related to service and submission, filling pages in trying to answer questions that inevitably spawn other questions or trying to figure out how I feel about something and not really getting anywhere.

Most of what I've learned so far has been the result of my own inner examinations. It's been a difficult path on occasion and there have been so many times that I've felt adrift, as if I'm stumbling around in the dark as I try to figure out how to be and how to behave. I've had my “a-ha” moments and epiphanies but many of these revelations have been hard won and left me feeling stupid for not sooner grasping something that later seems so obvious or basic a tenet.

I've begun to wonder if maybe I would benefit from a mentor. I have mixed thoughts about mentoring – my Ma'am's experience with it proved to be more of an example of how not to mentor someone and left her largely feeling frustrated and exasperated. I'm also not sure how my having a mentor would mesh with or affect my current service situation. Or, even, how to go about finding a suitable mentor...

I'd love to hear from those who've had some experience with mentorship...anyone have any thoughts on the topic?

submission as a tool for growth

This past week I spent some time reflecting on the role and influence of choice and acceptance in submission and how what I've learned in these areas carries through into everyday life. I choose to submit to my Ma'am – it is a choice I made months ago when I entered her service that I renew every day when I recite my morning mantra and follow the rules she has outlined for me. I try hard to be good and obedient even when I don't agree with her wishes but learning to respond appropriately was a very challenging lesson for this rather strong-willed girl to learn.

Submission has taught me a lot about acceptance and the importance and value in appropriately accepting those things that I don't agree with, don't like, or don't want to do. As a submissive, I may disagree with my dominant but it is my responsibility to behave and respond with appropriate poise and grace in all situations. Learning to accept what I would not choose for myself has revealed to me a strength I didn't know that I possessed and has provided fulfillment I didn't expect. It has helped me to grow not only as a submissive but as a person as well.

This growth area was put to an extreme test mid-week in my professional life. When faced with a challenging situation and unreasonable person who was determined to provoke an unprofessional response from me with an unjustified personal attack, my submission turned out to be my secret weapon. Under fire, I made the choice to remain calm, poised, and professional. I was able to accept his unprofessional behavior with a level of grace that I was proud of and resisted the urge to join the confrontation. It is a claim I could not have made a year ago and one I credit fully to my journey into submission.

a changed girl

There is always a somber note to a day spent in preparation for an evening punishment and today is no exception. Ma'am has placed me in her collar today while she works to help ensure my focus on her and the area where I have recently been found in need of some additional assistance and motivation to improve – a lack of attention to detail that has persisted despite several reminders and a reprimand. And while I also have work today, my other hours will contain a bit of necessary reflection and tasks in preparation of her arrival home to my full and all encompassing attention. I will be dressed and in position when she arrives, dinner will be in the oven, and her paddle within easy reach so that the bit of business that we have to attend to can be dispatched at her pleasure with the minimum of fuss.

I have faced this wait before but today has already proven to be different. I am not nervous and I am not fretting over my mistakes. I have not punished myself for my deficiency but wait patiently to face what will come with the grace of acceptance and a willingness to embrace Ma'am's discipline as a tool for learning.

This wait is different because I am different. My emotions and my thoughts are not the same as those I felt when I last faced punishment – back in December when I was still laboring under some ill conceived notions and was, despite his having released me, still Sir S's girl in some respects. I have traveled a somewhat rocky emotional path since then but I have learned and I have grown more than I thought was possible in such a short period of time. Tuesday's misstep provided a crucial bit of learning and opened my eyes to what is hopefully the last way that I have sabotaged my submission.

Today, just days past my 7 month anniversary in her service, I am unequivocally Ma'am's girl. I submit to her in her own right, no longer as a by product of my submission to another. My daily mantra begins “I submit to my Ma'am for I am hers...” and while these words used to serve partially as a reminder for me, the meaning is different now. They are a statement of fact – I am fully hers and I have finally allowed myself to fully submit. When I speak these words now, they are affirmation of my devotion and joy that I may call this special woman Ma'am.

I believe I now have a richer understanding of what it means to submit. And I feel as if I have finally moved out of the infancy of my submission and can more rightfully call myself a girl.