pondering leniency

Last week after I failed to completely follow one of my rules, I did something I've never done – I begged for leniency. Ma'am was as surprised by my plea as she was by my confessed misbehavior. But after careful consideration and some pointed discussion she granted it and spared me punishment with the belt. The problem is this – while I am grateful and relieved to have been afforded leniency, my having asked for it doesn't sit well with me. Even while I was doing it I realized that I was doing it out of fear and it didn't take long for a feeling of “wrongness” to settle over me. Had I been able to take it back, I would have...and yet in that moment I could do nothing else.

So for the past week or so I've been pondering the following - - Is begging for leniency an appropriate response to a transgression that earns punishment?

• Should I have merely confessed and done my best to quietly accept what was coming with as much grace as I could muster?
• Have I somehow diminished myself as a submissive in making a cowardly and selfish choice?

From the way I've been feeling, I'm pretty certain that I won't ask for leniency again any time soon. But I'd like to hear what others have to say on the topic. Is there a time and a place to ask for leniency in submission? If so, when is it appropriate and when is it not?

lacking coherent thought

It's been hard to write lately...a lot of things have happened since my last post. Choosing what to write about has been difficult because there's so much going on in my head...mostly all hinging on the events of one 48 hour period.

The weekend before last there was a fundamental change in the dynamic of my relationship with Ma'am. It was unexpected and sudden (to me, at least) and it left me feeling somewhat confused and nervous. On the eve of this change, Ma'am installed a hook in our bedroom and for the first time I was cuffed with my hands above my head and blindfolded. This experience, combined with the fact that Ma'am unequivocally took control for the first time, propelled me into a deeper state of submission than I've ever reached before. But it also brought strong feelings of helplessness and fear that I had difficulty processing and understanding. It was very affecting and I didn't take enough care in communicating what I was going through with my Ma'am. On the heels of this, I ended up in a position where I had to make a conscious decision to do something that I knew would anger my Ma'am - but it was the only decision I could make because the alternatives were to be avoided at all costs.

It was hard to re-center after that weekend. So many things have gone through my mind since then and I'm hoping that soon the chaos will resolve itself enough for me to write.