withholding pleasure - a watershed moment

This weekend contained a pivotal moment in my submission. I knew that I would be expected to face up to the thing I was most afraid of being asked to do, the very thing that always seemed impossible to me when I thought of it. Others might find it a wholly unremarkable thing...but it was my albatross.

I tried not to think about it too much last week because I knew there was no way I could prepare myself for what I was facing. No options had been offered. Sir and Ma'am would have this from me. I must be obedient and please them. I knew those things just as I knew that my internal conflict would stand firmly in the way of obedience.

And then...my watershed moment. If I did not find a way to do this, I would not merely be incurring the displeasure of my dominants. I would be withholding pleasure from them.

Why didn't I see it like this before?

This simple change in thinking had a huge effect. The idea of withholding pleasure was unthinkable and it gave me the little kick I needed to find my way. Of course, it didn't erase the conflict I felt or make everything all better. I still felt the weight of my submission very heavily when the moment came.

But – I obeyed. And Sir and Ma'am were very pleased.

And really, that's what it's all about.