the worst sub ever

Today has been a terrible day.

It started with my weigh in this morning - I have a weekly weight goal with a 2 pound grace. Today, my scale revealed that I'd lost exactly a half pound too much. To make things worse, my Sir sent me some wonderful praise for doing so well - he had mistaken the amount of my grace allowance. I was unable to accept his praise and had to instead point out the oversight and ask to be punished.

After a brutal day at work, things got even worse...

My Ma'am & Sir generously allow me periods where I am not restricted in my personal "play". The only stipulation is that I keep a log of the details of my activities, which Ma'am can view at any time. I didn't much take advantage of the opportunity at first until I realized that Ma'am takes great pleasure in teasing me with the details of my log.

A short time ago I'd indulged in a little play session with a certain toy I'd always wanted to try. It was a toy I didn't think Ma'am was interested in using at all. I dutifully logged the experience and didn't give it another thought.

Ma'am hadn't checked my log in a while and discovered my play session today. She'd been disappointed because she'd wanted my first experience with this toy to be with her. While discussing it, she had this to say -

"Please understand that I am not angry you did this. It feels more as if I've had something taken away from me."

God. Did someone just suck all the air out of the room?

These are the worst words in the world to hear. I can't even describe how bad hearing them made me feel. It was the most effective chastisement that I've received in my life...and it wasn't meant as one. Which makes it worse somehow...

I am the worst sub in the world - truly unworthy of the attention of both my Sir and Ma'am...

defining expectations

Last night conversation turned to my consistent protocol lapses with Ma'am and how it relates to my recent brattitude. While both my attitude and behavior have been much improved this weekend, I feel it is because I have been following the original form of my protocol as initially provided by my Sir. There have been many changes since I received those protocols – Ma'am has both added and subtracted elements – and there is a level of formality to them that Ma'am does not always hold me to.

When she commented on how good I've been and contrasted it to the week before last, I confessed to Ma'am that I'm frequently confused about her expectations and that rather than asking her directly to clarify this for me, I've been trying to take cues from her demeanor as to precisely which protocols are required of me. I fall short when I misread her which makes me feel inadequate or as if I am failing her.

In the week before my inner brat took over there were many such instances and I'd been coming down on myself pretty hard because of it. My frustration over my apparent inability to correctly determine Ma'am's expectations, and therefore to behave properly for her, piled up and turned into in a complete lack of confidence in my ability to properly serve and please her. As I continued to fall short I began to push her. I was giving her a reason to punish me because I felt that only her discipline would help me turn it all around.

I really botched things. I should have gone to Ma'am with how I was feeling. I should have asked her to clarify expectations when I struggled to determine them. I should have done so many things differently... I hope that next time I'll make better choices.

The upside is that Ma'am began outlining and defining her levels of protocol last night as I typed. Her protocols will be outlined separately from Sir's as will my punishment protocol. Once complete, I will have a definitive source of the expectations of both my Ma'am and Sir and all confusion should be eliminated.

consequences

My recent “brattitude” has been the source of many uncomfortable conversations this week. I'm dangerously close to losing the privilege of speech altogether and have dire need to demonstrate a radical and speedy improvement. One improper tone or inappropriate word and I will learn just how golden silence is.

When I arrive home tonight my punishment period will begin. I'll have only precious minutes before Ma'am arrives to dress in my required uniform and meet her at the door with the items she has proscribed. I will then attend to her every need until she is rested and ready to administer a lesson that I have proven necessary. Ma'am has promised me that it will be a very long night...and one I won't soon forget.

I don't yet have all the details of my further punishment but know I will spend almost every moment of the weekend collared and in service. I may only leave the house on those errands that Ma'am dictates or in matters that pertain to my job.

I'm a little overwhelmed, and feeling somewhat as if I've bitten off more than I can chew, by the force of Ma'am's response to my pushing... it feels almost as if I've opened Pandora's box again..

Is this what I was seeking?

shadow of punishment

There is no worse feeling than that of having the shadow of well deserved punishment hanging over you. You can't hide from it, it's there every moment, and it seems to permeate and taint everything...reminding you of your failure and what an utter disappointment you've been. Right now the feeling is particularly acute because despite knowing better I couldn't seem to stop myself from acting out.

Last week I pushed Ma'am with increasing intensity. I was argumentative and challenging. I made a wholly inappropriate sarcastic comment. My attitude and behavior have been terrible and I've been fighting her control. I deserve to be punished without a doubt.

The problem is that I don't know why I'm acting this way...and I don't really intend to do it. I've been trying to be good but then out comes this tone...or those inappropriate words. More often than not my protocol goes out the window...

What's wrong with me? Why have I suddenly turned into a brat?

I can only hope that my punishment - whenever it comes - will help to nip whatever this is in the bud...

pain slut? cane slut?

Several months ago, my former Dom told me that I was a pain slut in the making. I told him I was pretty sure that he was not correct. A couple of weeks ago, my Sir asked Ma'am if she thought it was possible that I'm a pain slut and don't realize it. Ma'am told Sir that she really didn't think so. A few days ago, with a certain look in her eye, Ma'am asked me if I thought it was possible. And after I reported the weekend's events to Sir....he asked Ma'am if she was sure I'm not.

I'm starting to wonder what exactly I'm putting out there that has these three thinking I'm a pain slut...

Perhaps my definition is faulty? In the simplest terms, I consider a pain slut to be someone who enjoys and/or is aroused by heavy pain. I don't think that person has to be a submissive and I don't think that the dynamics of power exchange play into it. Is this different from the common perception?

For my part, I don't enjoy pain for pain's sake and I seem only to deal with it well when it is within the framework of power exchange. In this setting, I find that I can take quite a bit of pain as long as I know that it is my Doms' pleasure. The heavier or more long term the pain, the more reassurance and reminders I need of their dominance and their pleasure to get through it. My pleasure and satisfaction come from enduring the pain as well as I can and from knowing that doing so has pleased them. Any arousal I experience comes from the power exchange aspects in play at the time and not from the pain itself.

But...this past weekend I received a caning so severe that it pushed me right up to the edge of my capacity to take it. Afterward Ma'am and I discovered that I was very wet which seems to be contrary to my belief that I'm not a pain slut. I hadn't consciously felt aroused before, during or after my caning but the undeniable evidence was there between my legs...

Am I really a closet pain slut? Or maybe a cane slut? Or....???