a changed girl

There is always a somber note to a day spent in preparation for an evening punishment and today is no exception. Ma'am has placed me in her collar today while she works to help ensure my focus on her and the area where I have recently been found in need of some additional assistance and motivation to improve – a lack of attention to detail that has persisted despite several reminders and a reprimand. And while I also have work today, my other hours will contain a bit of necessary reflection and tasks in preparation of her arrival home to my full and all encompassing attention. I will be dressed and in position when she arrives, dinner will be in the oven, and her paddle within easy reach so that the bit of business that we have to attend to can be dispatched at her pleasure with the minimum of fuss.

I have faced this wait before but today has already proven to be different. I am not nervous and I am not fretting over my mistakes. I have not punished myself for my deficiency but wait patiently to face what will come with the grace of acceptance and a willingness to embrace Ma'am's discipline as a tool for learning.

This wait is different because I am different. My emotions and my thoughts are not the same as those I felt when I last faced punishment – back in December when I was still laboring under some ill conceived notions and was, despite his having released me, still Sir S's girl in some respects. I have traveled a somewhat rocky emotional path since then but I have learned and I have grown more than I thought was possible in such a short period of time. Tuesday's misstep provided a crucial bit of learning and opened my eyes to what is hopefully the last way that I have sabotaged my submission.

Today, just days past my 7 month anniversary in her service, I am unequivocally Ma'am's girl. I submit to her in her own right, no longer as a by product of my submission to another. My daily mantra begins “I submit to my Ma'am for I am hers...” and while these words used to serve partially as a reminder for me, the meaning is different now. They are a statement of fact – I am fully hers and I have finally allowed myself to fully submit. When I speak these words now, they are affirmation of my devotion and joy that I may call this special woman Ma'am.

I believe I now have a richer understanding of what it means to submit. And I feel as if I have finally moved out of the infancy of my submission and can more rightfully call myself a girl.

on the mend

For the past several weeks, my body and mind have been woefully out of sync. For the most part, I've been physically unable to be of much service to my Ma'am - plagued by knee and back issues that once again leave me consigned to flats and physical therapy. It has been frustrating (to say the least!) to be sidelined.

Ma'am and I both have tried very hard to be patient while I work toward healing my body but I feel terrible every time I see the disappointment in her eyes as she realizes that yet again I am unable to serve...she has been wonderful and very understanding of my limited capacity but I know she misses the use of her girl. Right now I want nothing more than to feel Ma'am's collar around my neck and to be capable of living up to the expectations of that collar. I want to be useful. I want to serve.

Today, a little ray of hope... it has been a couple of days since my spine has been straightened and the pain in my back has gotten significantly better. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be even better and I will soon be able to spend some much needed time with my Ma'am.