365 days

A couple of days ago, Ma'am and I celebrated our first D/s anniversary. Today a few thoughts on what I have learned in my first year:

Actually giving up control and learning to submit was much more challenging and involved than I'd thought it would be...and every bit as rewarding and fulfilling as I'd hoped it would be. I am now more sure than ever that I have chosen the right path.

A deep seated desire to please does not automatically make you a good submissive. Surely it helps. But sometimes such a desire to please can make you see failure where there is none and complicates matters. Focusing on imagined faults can blind you to what actually DOES please your dominant.

The challenges of service are multi-faceted and varied – and can change from moment to moment. Something that has been easy in the past can suddenly prove to be difficult for no apparent reason. And vice versa.

Compliance and obedience are not the same thing. Compliance is simply doing what you are told. Obedience covers a much broader spectrum – from the manner in which you comply to what exactly you choose to comply with. Intuition and understanding are crucial parts of being fully obedient.

Obedience is not always easy – many times not, in fact - but it would not be as valued or fulfilling if what is asked of you is exactly what you are comfortable giving. Finding a way to obey on those occasions when compliance is more difficult for you can open a door to growth and learning that is unparalleled.

I am not, and will probably never be, the girl that I'd expected I would become by now. The process of becoming takes its own time and can't be rushed. More importantly, the girl I am becoming is the girl that Ma'am envisions, not the girl that I saw in my head when I first began exploring this part of myself.

doing the right thing

Ma'am and I were going through some things the other night, gathering up items that we'd planned on getting rid of. I came across an old belt that I couldn't wear anymore and started to head over to the donation pile. As I looked down at the worn thick leather, I realized that this was a belt made for punishment and it occurred to me that this was probably the belt that Ma'am intended to use when the time inevitably comes. The obedient girl in me knew what I had to do...despite the fact that I did not need permission to get rid of something that belongs to me, I knew I should seek permission before giving the belt away. If Ma'am had had her eye on it, she'd be very disappointed to learn of it's loss when the time came to use it.

“Ma'am, do we need to keep this old belt for any reason?” I asked, holding the belt out to show her. I prayed that she'd say no. The leather was too thick not to pack a serious punch.

Ma'am paused in her work for only a moment. “No, stick it in the pile,” she told me without hesitation.

I turned and began walking over to the pile, a moment's relief to be rid of it. And yet as I went to drop it on the pile I found that I couldn't. I sighed. Clearly Ma'am didn't realize what she had given me permission to do. I turned back, belt still in hand, and walked back over to her.

“Are you sure we want to get rid of it?” The words didn't exactly come easy, “Um, I mean, when the need arises, do you have a belt to punish me with, Ma'am?”

“You have one I intend to use...Wait. Let me see that.”

Finally Ma'am realized what I was asking her. The belt never made it to the pile and has now been transferred into her possession.

Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing. Even the “good girl” I received is somewhat cold comfort when I think about being punished with that belt...

avoidance and forgiveness

For the past several weeks, I haven't been able to write much. Every time I sat down at the computer or picked up my journal I suddenly became listless and my mind would go blank. There were words, thoughts, feelings just under the surface and somehow I just couldn't get to them. It didn't bother me at first, it happens from time to time, but as the days stretched into weeks I realized that I was indulging in a classic avoidance maneuver. There was something on my mind, something I needed to give voice and attention to, and until I did nothing else was going to be written.

To say that I didn't know what I was avoiding isn't entirely accurate. At one point I traced back the timing of my block and pinpointed a likely suspect. I'd had an unexpectedly emotional response to some of the contents of an email from a friend – a resumed thread of conversation relating to something that happened half a year ago. His insights and questions opened a wound I'd thought was closed and brought with it a pain that was every bit as intense as the original wounding. I REALLY didn't want that to be the thing I was avoiding so I convinced myself it must be something else. Until I realized that I still hadn't answered that email. Was, in fact, avoiding it too.

So now, eight days before the anniversary of the day that he told me he wanted to be my Master, I'll admit to the fact that six months after he left us I hadn't yet fully faced up to the reality of my feelings about Sir S and the disparity between the dominant/man I thought he was and the dominant/man he proved to be. I hadn't wanted to believe what I knew to be true – that I was not as important to him as he was to me, that he did not love me as I loved him, that the bond between us was rather one-sided. I didn't want to face my own dismay at the bond I still sometimes feel and my feelings of responsibility for having brought him and the pain he caused into our lives.... I didn't want to believe or feel any of this so I pushed it deep inside and ignored it as best I could until the day I came face to face with it in my inbox.

It may be a while yet before all of my hurts have fully healed but they are no longer open wounds. I walked back through the fire of my pain and finally obtained a certain peace with it all. Once again I have grieved – not for the loss of Sir S this time but for the loss of the illusions I clung to and the reality of a relationship comprised of unrequited love, disrespect and lack of commitment. I've forgiven Sir S for the pain he intentionally caused and I've forgiven myself.

For the record, I don't regret choosing Sir S as my dominant. I learned a lot from him and have memories that I will always treasure. It doesn't really matter if he wasn't who I thought he was or whether I was important to him. He was my Sir and he was important to me. I gave him my submission and he gave it back to me a changed and deeper thing. But most importantly, he gave me the most special and unexpected gift of all – he gave me Ma'am.