coming to an end

I know I haven’t been posting much lately. There’s been a lot of dissonance in my relationship with my Ma’am over the past several months. I’ve touched on it in a few posts…but they didn’t capture the true reality of the situation. Driven by duty and not entirely understanding some of what I’ve been going through, I’ve reserved most of what I’ve been feeling and going through for my private journal rather than share it here.

The truth is I haven’t been happy in my D/s relationship with Eve for a long time. There’ve been real problems and recurring issues we haven’t been able to find a way around. Most of these are the unfortunate result of the pairing of a brand new Ma’am and a newish girl. Without the benefit of experience to guide us, neither Eve nor I have been prepared for or equipped with the knowledge or understanding to deal with how certain things have unfolded - and a massive communication problem has virtually ensured that things could only continue to become worse over time.

This past Sunday, my planned time in service was canceled – and I soon became aware that I was happy and grateful that it had been. The realization was like being doused with icy water. It was a reaction that I never thought I would have and it started me thinking about things I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to remain optimistic about. In looking at things honestly, I began to realize how much deeper my discontent has grown and how seriously everything has changed over the past several months. The corrosion of broken promises has eaten away at the trust between Eve and I and reduced it to almost nothing. Vague authority and unintentional neglect has taken the value and joy from my submission - so much so that even following my daily rules no longer seems to have any meaning for me. And an unintended consequence has caused me to pay a price that I never would have consented to. Finally able to see things as they really are, I didn’t know how I could continue to serve the way I was feeling. It’s only been my sense of duty that’s held me together and helped me find obedience lately and my sense of duty is bound solely to the fact that I made a commitment.

By Monday night, I reached a point of no return. The entirety of the evening was spent doing the unthinkable – seriously thinking about asking Eve to release me from her service. I didn’t want to be released but I didn’t feel able to continue to serve either. Eve and I have had a lot of discussions about all of this and the only results have been more promises I can’t trust and Eve beginning to move us in a direction I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. Things have been steadily declining and nothing we’ve tried has seemed to help. I knew I had to consider that the only solution at this point was to call it quits. Even though I knew it wasn’t what either of us wanted.

By the end of the evening, I wasn’t any closer to an answer than I was when I began. It was a miserable night...but the worst part was still to come. I still had to write my Monday email to Eve – and I’m required to let her know when such serious topics are on my mind in my report. Having to tell my Ma’am that I’d spent the evening considering asking her to release me...it was the most difficult email I’ve ever had to write.

Eve and I spent Tuesday evening in a very long, very emotional, and very serious discussion. We still have a lot to discuss but we both want to find some way to make this work. For a while, we’re suspending our D/s relationship – a temporary release as we try to figure out how best to wipe the slate clean and start again.

We’re not returning completely to the vanilla world though. We’ve decided that we definitely want to continue to play together – we’re just going to do so differently than we have before. We’ll negotiate scenes and will have a great deal more discussion about what we’re doing than we ever have before. Which, I think, is a very good thing.