re-integration

Endings are never easy. Even endings that aren’t true endings like the one that Eve and I have gone through. My release from service has been a sad time for me and, although things had become far from what either of us wanted, I’ve been mourning its loss. I know that Eve has mourned as well...and it has taken Herculean effort on my part not to play things down or shelter her from some of the realities of the situation. On more than one level, my instincts scream at me to protect and take care of her, soothe her hurts and worries away, but I don’t know how to do that without diminishing or negating my own. I suppose the saving grace is that we can both take strength from our primary relationship, which has fortunately remained unaffected by the problems of our D/s relationship.

At the same time, transitioning back into a vanilla way of life after 18 months of service has been a big adjustment. Just as I had to be mindful in ensuring I followed the rules and rituals that were part of my service, I found that I had to be equally mindful in no longer following them. The first couple of weeks were the worst – I found myself slipping into things no longer required too many times to count and even caught myself on the verge of filling the void of missing ritual with something far too similar to my service requirement to be vanilla. But, slowly, over the weeks I’ve adjusted back into a life without the constraints of D/s.

Well...mostly.