what went wrong

Eve and I know what went wrong in our D/s relationship but knowing what happened and knowing how to change things are entirely different things. In a nutshell, most everything can be boiled down to our relative newness to D/s. Eighteen months ago when I entered her service, Eve was brand new to this world. She had only discovered her interest when Sir S asked her to be a part of the relationship he and I were beginning. And while I did have some experience prior to my service to Eve and Sir S, I was new to my own exploration. I’d only been involved in a couple of short-term relationships and the D/s dynamics had been light. Compared to Eve, my experience made it seem I knew a lot when, in fact, I knew very little about actual submission.

In our five months with Sir S, Eve and I were just getting our feet wet. Sir S had seemed to lose interest in our arrangement within a couple of months and had become a less active part of our trio. His stepping back left Eve and I to move ahead without much guidance but we seemed to be doing OK and both managed to find our bearings. When our time with Sir S came to an end, Eve and I we sure we would be fine forging ahead alone. But the truth is, without even the minimal guidance we had with Sir S, we were ill prepared to face many of the challenges that would come our way. In the end it was the two of us trying to build something by instinct and feel, stumbling around in the dark without really understanding what we were doing and the consequences that can result.

To complicate things, we both had certain preconceived notions and were prone to making assumptions based on our vanilla knowledge of one another. Both were dangerous – they not only were instrumental in the breakdown of communication between us but they weren’t based on the reality of our D/s relationship. Frankly, in a D/s setting neither Eve nor I ever really came to know one another and our vanilla knowledge was a hindrance more often than not. Falling back on misguided perceptions managed to create a lot of confusion and muddied the waters for both of us. Things that should have been simple became frustratingly complex and not talking about it only compounded the problem.

Since January, there’s been a lot of examination and dissection. Eve and I have been doing a lot of talking, working on bettering our communication as well as trying to determine what we both need to learn before we can try again. We’ve decided that it would be best to go fully back to basics, move back to the time when we were both aware of how little we knew and work with it accordingly. We’ve also been doing some reading and plan to take the time to learn one another through scheduled play sessions. Eve has been actively looking for a mentor and making connections with other dominants. And we’re continuing to try to connect with our local community despite the cliquish and exclusionary experiences we’ve weathered so far.

So...we have a plan. For my part, while I’m feeling better about things, I still feel lost. I don’t really know what would be of benefit for me to learn or how to go about learning it. I’m unsure what my needs are at this point since there are things that I’ve wanted for so long that they seem to have gained an inflated importance to me. And I’m nervous about our upcoming play session because I’m afraid that the hurts that haven’t fully healed will trigger reactions that could have a negative affect on us both. I know I need to try to stay in the moment and take things as they come...I need to rediscover the fun and reconnect with the meaning that resonates so deeply within me. But these things might be easier said than done and I’m afraid that we might have a long and difficult road before us.

In my heart, I know we can make this work. We’ve learned some hard lessons but a new dominant/new submissive combination doesn’t have to spell disaster, does it?