As Eve stroked my hair a little later, the feelings of need and discomfort co-mingled with the pleasure caused by her touch. Mixed with the pleasure and my rising arousal they intensified - but at the same time it fueled a certain sadness in me... an awareness of a deeper wanting, of recently glimpsed needs that I have yet to give voice to, and a dismaying craving to have my darkest and most hidden desires whispered into my ear...
Does she realize how she teases me when her stroking becomes firmer and more clinging, not quite grasping, but slightly pulling on my hair? Does she know that when she does this a small bud of need flowers into full-fledged craving for her dominance? That I sometimes pretend that she chose to commit to the act just to feel the docility settle over me? So I can wear my submission for just a few moments and dream of what could be?
Did she know what I felt in the all too brief moments when I felt the weight of her hand at the base of my neck? And did I fully realize what I was feeling? This touch and my reaction to it was new and very unexpected...it brought with it a provocative flutter and brief sense of proprietary purpose (! - ?) that I have never felt before. But Eve’s hand never quite settled there, leaving these new feelings fleeting and gone too soon to get a full sense of them.
Right now I’m confused - wanting, needing, craving things I don’t fully understand and have never experienced. And, perhaps as a result, plagued by an old fantasy that I’ve never spoken of – one that has always inspired an intoxicating mix of excitement and fear – that I have never understood it’s power to excite me. I’ve always thought that bringing my fantasy out into reality would wreck it but now I wonder if maybe it’s been trying to tell me something for a very long time?
Remember to breathe deep- and let go. I was so pleased for you in reading your last bit of postings (i have had internet problems that wouldn't allow me to read till tonight). It is true for many of us that we get very bogged down in what we are *supposed* to be (or think we are supposed to be) that we lose sight of what led us to this place in the beginning: that delicious feeling of submission that blossoms at the perfect touch, the murmured 'good girl', just the right look of Dominance in the eyes of Ma'am/Sir.
ReplyDeleteI think in a way, its okay to not really understand the wanting, needing craving, to understand the full motivation behind it. I've heard it comes to you as your grow as a human being and as a submissive, but i have yet to come to my own realization.
Not sure any of that rambling helped or was necessary, but your words motivate me to comment, as i see a bit of what i feel in you.
Your sister in submission (even if it is not clearly defined submission)
-kslave