Sunday, April 03, 2011

discovering rope: first inkling

I don’t know when exactly the feeling started to take hold of me - it was already powerful when I became fully aware of it and in each passing moment it seemed to grow stronger. I felt like I was in the cocoon of a dream. Everything was soft around the edges and there was a peculiar hush in the room. My vision was tunneled and I could see and hear only our teacher and his volunteer at the front of the room.  Somehow, inexplicably, I was experiencing the same thing she was - her face and every nuance of her body telegraphed the very same emotions that I was in the grip of. Surprisingly, I didn’t think to question it.  I didn’t think at all.  I simply enjoyed what I was feeling and allowed it to continue to draw me in.

He spoke so softly to her that I couldn’t hear what he was saying but, somehow, I was so keyed into their interaction that I could feel the words that I couldn’t hear.  My eyes closed in pleasure when hers did…and when he wrapped the coil very gently around her neck, I could swear that I felt the soft touch of the hemp against mine as well.  My knees felt heavy and weak and each breath I took filled me with lightness and something that was beginning to approach bliss.  When, at his command, she announced to the room that she was wet, I flushed hotly and dropped my eyes for a few moments.  I think I blushed for us both…I, too, was wet and her admission of it for us both made me suddenly and acutely aware of the shame of it.  My humiliation added another dimension to what I was feeling…it was pleasurable but a little uncomfortable too.  I felt as if everyone must know and in an effort to dispel some of my discomfort I reached out for the rope that Eve had taken from me a short time ago. 

I returned my attention to the presentation, a ball of rope gripped firmly in one hand and the fingers of the other in constant motion.  The rope had an amazing feel to it that I couldn’t get enough of.  My fingers stroked, grasped, and pulled…registering sensations of it as if it was braille.  Something about it made me inexplicably high and dreamy, ready to float but not quite there. 

When the presentation was finished, our teacher passed out more rope and turned the class over to work with their partners.  Eve asked me if I wanted to move into the corner to work with her.  It took me a moment to be able to speak.  My voice sounded strange to me when I told her that I wanted to stay where we were.  The truth of it was that my legs were still weak and I didn’t think they would hold me if I tried to stand up. And I didn’t want to move at all for fear of disturbing or losing this incredible feeling. 

When our eyes connected, I could see that she was feeling something as well.  There was something electric in this shared experience but after a few moments I couldn’t bear the raw intimacy of our locked gaze.  I tore my eyes from hers as I bowed my head - both to her and to the mysterious power that the rope and this class seemed to have over me. 

Eve didn’t understand.  She didn’t know what powerful feelings I was in thrall of.  She didn’t know that the weight of them had rendered me unable to move from my chair or to speak.  Or the confusion I felt at my undeniably strong and (I thought) very strange reaction to a piece of rope and a presentation.  She didn’t know that my world had tipped sideways…but there’s no way that she could have.  I wasn’t able to articulate what I was feeling and she couldn’t read what she had seen in my eyes. 

Eve was in the throes of her own powerful emotions and my seeming lack of willingness to participate in this portion of the class felt like rejection to her.  After a few moments, she hastily left the room.  I wasn’t capable of rushing after her nor did I want to.  I was crushed and hurt by her reaction and had been yanked out of the lovely place that I’d dwelled for quite some time.  Very slowly, I went after her.

Communication is a recurring issue with Eve and I so it was no surprise that after such a powerful experience we found ourselves at odds with one another.  What was a surprise, though, was that after an initial volley of dueling emotional outbursts toward one another we were able to connect in a way that we haven’t in years and to talk things through.  Now, several days later, we’re both still feeling that connection.  It is a wonderful - and needed - thing.

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