dichotomy

Despite my current focus on improving myself, or perhaps in direct relation to it, I seem to have a growing rebellious undercurrent within me these days. Before I know it, my thoughts are idly flirting with disobedience and, to make matters worse, I've developed a consuming curiosity as to what the consequences would be of indulging certain of my rebellious thoughts...

I wouldn't dream of consciously acting upon these thoughts - I do not want to land myself in trouble with Ma'am - but my fear is that my unconscious mind will prod me into doing things I would otherwise know better than to do and that I will soon find myself in trouble despite my good intentions...

psycholgical effects

Last night Ma'am brought me into the bedroom, had me bend over the side of the bed. She seemed to be in a quieter mood than usual – dispatching quick instructions for me take the position she wanted before lifting my skirt and murmuring a compliment about the new panties I was wearing. Few words passed her lips and a couple of appreciative caresses were the only preamble she provided before sliding my panties down and beginning to firmly spank me.

After she'd provided a bit of color, Ma'am had me spread my legs for her. She rested her hand on the small of my back as first one and then two fingers slipped inside me. They danced around for a moment, searching for moisture, and while they did find some it was much less than expected. A disappointing discovery. And, of course, Ma'am commented on it.

I'll pause here for a moment. I know what you're thinking – I'm a girl who loves a good spanking, how is it possible that I disappointed my Ma'am in such a way? The answer is a little complicated but also quite simple...I didn't know it was permissible to take pleasure in this particular spanking.

When Ma'am led me into the bedroom, I didn't know what to expect. There were elements of this session that were a departure from our norm and the location and position Ma'am had me take were those I take when I am being punished. They're rarely used together any other time. And although the other aspects of my punishment ritual were not present, Ma'am's first strikes were more firm than usual. I was confused...it didn't really feel like a pleasure spanking. The overarching feeling was that I was being punished and so that is where my mind went. And my mind took my body with it.

I never find arousal during punishment – punishment is always an intense and heavily emotional thing for me. There is no place for pleasure in it...and so I didn't feel pleasure during this spanking. When Ma'am made her disappointment at not finding me wet from her attention known, in a way it validated that I was being punished. (Yes, I realize that's somewhat twisted...)

What is even more interesting, though, is that as things progressed there came a point when finally I knew without a doubt that I was not being punished. It was like throwing a switch – freed from the mental constraints of punishment, my body suddenly and quickly began to react. Pleasure surged through and I was suddenly a very wet girl begging for permission to cum...

the loophole

Last week I discovered that in following my rules it is possible to follow the letter of the law and yet not the spirit of it. The possibility that I could be technically in compliance and but not actually compliant had never occurred to me before. It's gotten me to thinking and, just maybe, understanding a thing or two about my service a little better.

I have inspection on Tuesday evenings and so on Monday, as I do every week, I made a quick check of my manicure. My nails looked fine to me and I decided that there was no need to touch them up or re-do them. But Tuesday morning, in better light, I realized that they looked a little worse for wear. They weren't going to pass inspection and I've had one warning about them before. I wasn't exactly eager to learn Ma'am's reaction to a repeat offense during inspection.

When it came time for lunch, I ran out to the drug store and purchased nail polish remover and a bottle of quick dry polish. An hour really isn't enough time for a proper manicure but I needed to make due. Off went the old polish and on went the new. I used the fan in my car to help dry them but when I looked them over again I discovered in horror that the polish had dried streaky. My nails looked terrible and there was no time to start again.

Enter a quandary.

My nails were polished – which is exactly what my rule states. And yet it didn't make sense that just having them polished was all that there was to the rule. It would seem that the spirit of the rule, the reason behind it, is that Ma'am wants my nails to look pretty for her. And a bad manicure is definitely not pretty. So, yes, I was technically in compliance to the wording of my rule but probably not in compliance to its true meaning.

What to do? If I was right, and I was pretty sure that I was, I was most certainly in error and had something to confess when I got home. But I wasn't quite sure what...was I assuming too much? Is it even possible to be both in and out of compliance at the same time? Have I been missing a key part of understanding what it means to be obedient all of this time or was I being too philosophical?

The difficult and uncomfortable decision: should I leave my nails as they were (which was obedient and technically compliant) or remove the new polish and leave my nails bare (which was prettier and compliant to the spirit of my rule)? Which would be the lesser of two evils – which would Ma'am be more pleased with?

I considered my options for the rest of the afternoon. I would have to commit to a decision and see it through but I didn't like either choice. Any way you added it up the equation included something that Ma'am wouldn't like. Trying to determine the level of her displeasure and repercussion served no purpose. It wouldn't change the fact that my manicure wasn't what it should be, wasn't what Ma'am wanted.

There were a couple of other options... I could exploit the loophole if it came down to it. I could argue that my rule doesn't specify anything about them being nicely polished. I could fein ignorance - pretend I hadn't noticed how bad they looked and wait for her to point it out. If the light was the same as it had been the evening before it was entirely possible that Ma'am might not notice how bad they looked. These options just didn't feel right to me – they're dishonest and designed to try to get me out of trouble.

In the end, I decided to leave my nails as they were and come clean about the state I considered them to be in. There was, after all, a chance that my assumption about the meaning of my rule was incorrect and, even if it wasn't, bare nails seemed dangerously close to willful disobedience. I would discuss with Ma'am what full compliance of this rule meant and be prepared for whatever discipline she saw fit without invoking a loophole defense. It was the only decision I could make and it was the right one.

In the future, to better serve and please my Ma'am, I think I need to be less literal and take a fuller, more dimensional approach in my thinking. I must look past the surface and understand not only what is stated but also what is meant. I don't believe it's enough to simply follow the stated rules – to be fully obedient I must also understand the meaning and spirit of what she asks of me and take direction not only from what is indicated but also by what is meant.

perception and communication

I've been mulling over the value and role of perception in power exchange and D/s. It seems to me that perception is an element that can be both beneficial and detrimental to a relationship. It can lead to either a building up or a breaking down of control and obedience. But I have to wonder if in a PE relationship perception plays a more important or central role within the dynamic than I'd originally realized. Certainly there are times it helps matters but aren't there often times that it is a hindrance as well?

My role as a submissive dictates a certain approach to things that is radically different than how I approach them in my every day life. For example, if I perceive something negatively within my marriage I am more the type to immediately get it out in the open. I confront the issue head on with my partner so that misunderstandings and misconceptions don't cloud matters and foster negativity. But as a submissive, if I perceive something as negative within the confines of our D/s relationship, I generally approach it as something I must accept and get used to. I rarely confront the issue with my dominant. I may ask some clarifying questions to try to verify my perception but this is not always enough to validate or alter my perception.

Generally, when things aren't entirely clear, whether something is true or based on truth doesn't seem to have as much weight as what I perceive it to be. And, on occasion, my perception has led me to feel discontented or uneasy about my future path. So, at what point do perception and role hinder communication and/or erode a relationship? I realize communication is important and yet the structure of PE seems to muddy the waters for me as to which things are up for discussion and which should merely be met with acceptance and obedience...

introspection and mentorship

It's no secret – I'm a fairly introspective girl. I'm not sure if it's natural progression – that I've reached a point where I'm not constantly mulling over every facet of what I'm doing wrong or that submission has changed my focus to be less inward – but lately I've noticed a more broad-based bend to my ponderings. It seems that more often than not these days when I have the time to write I'm mulling over more general topics or concepts related to service and submission, filling pages in trying to answer questions that inevitably spawn other questions or trying to figure out how I feel about something and not really getting anywhere.

Most of what I've learned so far has been the result of my own inner examinations. It's been a difficult path on occasion and there have been so many times that I've felt adrift, as if I'm stumbling around in the dark as I try to figure out how to be and how to behave. I've had my “a-ha” moments and epiphanies but many of these revelations have been hard won and left me feeling stupid for not sooner grasping something that later seems so obvious or basic a tenet.

I've begun to wonder if maybe I would benefit from a mentor. I have mixed thoughts about mentoring – my Ma'am's experience with it proved to be more of an example of how not to mentor someone and left her largely feeling frustrated and exasperated. I'm also not sure how my having a mentor would mesh with or affect my current service situation. Or, even, how to go about finding a suitable mentor...

I'd love to hear from those who've had some experience with mentorship...anyone have any thoughts on the topic?

learning

I was up far too early this morning and spent my early hours with coffee and discovering a few new blogs. I ran across an interesting post by the Thinking Dominant entitled, “Teaching". He writes:

“Who 'teaches'? Take for example the submissive [who] is more experienced than the dominant. Can the sub teach from the bottom? Should the Dom look to other Doms? Perhaps finding a mentor or start at the bottom?”

This post echoes my own questions as a submissive. Questions that relate not only to how I can become a better girl to my Ma'am but also to how I can best use my experience and perspective to help my Ma'am to learn and further develop her identity as a dominant.

Although I have a touch more experience than my Ma'am in this world, we are both somewhat new to it. There have been many moments where we've both felt as if we were stumbling around in the dark, trying and failing to figure out how to be what we are. We've both had “a-ha” moments relevant to our respective roles but for the most part they are hard won and take far longer to realize than we'd like.

For those of us who are newer to this world, what's the best way to learn outside the scope of your own experience? How does one go about finding a mentor or connecting with those who are willing and interested in teaching others?

crime and punishment

This week my thoughts have turned toward crime and punishment – a direct by product of Ma'am informing me that the delayed punishment I earned several weeks ago would happen on Tuesday evening. I seem to fall into distinct patterns where my “crimes” are concerned and I'm currently in a cycle of one punishable transgression every 4 weeks. Per usual, when I take notice of a pattern I'm driven to poke and prod at it until I find out what's behind it.

I think that what lies behind the pattern to my transgression is that after a period when things are going well with Ma'am I start to crave discipline. I want to feel her control tighten, want to feel more submissive. I feel a need to be taken firmly (sometimes harshly) in hand and to be reminded of my place in a way that leaves no room for doubt.

I don't receive any type of maintenance discipline and am not in training at the moment so when this type of mood comes upon me it tends to stick around. For the most part, I'm well behaved and very focused on pleasing my Ma'am so I wouldn't consciously disobey her wishes or try to provoke a display of her dominance. So it might just be that unconsciously I am seeking a confirmed and relatively safe way to get that. Suddenly, I'm less mindful and realize that I've forgotten to do something that is part of weekly ritual or have done something forbidden throughout the course of the day. I've broken one of Ma'am's rules so I know I will be punished and receive the discipline and tighter control that I'm craving but I didn't really engage in willful disobedience so it is “safe.” The downside of this is that I've caused displeasure to my Ma'am and, well, I'm to be punished which has a much more negative connotation than discipline.

It's been 28 days since I've last transgressed – will recognizing the reason behind the pattern be enough to break it?

submission as a tool for growth

This past week I spent some time reflecting on the role and influence of choice and acceptance in submission and how what I've learned in these areas carries through into everyday life. I choose to submit to my Ma'am – it is a choice I made months ago when I entered her service that I renew every day when I recite my morning mantra and follow the rules she has outlined for me. I try hard to be good and obedient even when I don't agree with her wishes but learning to respond appropriately was a very challenging lesson for this rather strong-willed girl to learn.

Submission has taught me a lot about acceptance and the importance and value in appropriately accepting those things that I don't agree with, don't like, or don't want to do. As a submissive, I may disagree with my dominant but it is my responsibility to behave and respond with appropriate poise and grace in all situations. Learning to accept what I would not choose for myself has revealed to me a strength I didn't know that I possessed and has provided fulfillment I didn't expect. It has helped me to grow not only as a submissive but as a person as well.

This growth area was put to an extreme test mid-week in my professional life. When faced with a challenging situation and unreasonable person who was determined to provoke an unprofessional response from me with an unjustified personal attack, my submission turned out to be my secret weapon. Under fire, I made the choice to remain calm, poised, and professional. I was able to accept his unprofessional behavior with a level of grace that I was proud of and resisted the urge to join the confrontation. It is a claim I could not have made a year ago and one I credit fully to my journey into submission.

pondering leniency

Last week after I failed to completely follow one of my rules, I did something I've never done – I begged for leniency. Ma'am was as surprised by my plea as she was by my confessed misbehavior. But after careful consideration and some pointed discussion she granted it and spared me punishment with the belt. The problem is this – while I am grateful and relieved to have been afforded leniency, my having asked for it doesn't sit well with me. Even while I was doing it I realized that I was doing it out of fear and it didn't take long for a feeling of “wrongness” to settle over me. Had I been able to take it back, I would have...and yet in that moment I could do nothing else.

So for the past week or so I've been pondering the following - - Is begging for leniency an appropriate response to a transgression that earns punishment?

• Should I have merely confessed and done my best to quietly accept what was coming with as much grace as I could muster?
• Have I somehow diminished myself as a submissive in making a cowardly and selfish choice?

From the way I've been feeling, I'm pretty certain that I won't ask for leniency again any time soon. But I'd like to hear what others have to say on the topic. Is there a time and a place to ask for leniency in submission? If so, when is it appropriate and when is it not?

lacking coherent thought

It's been hard to write lately...a lot of things have happened since my last post. Choosing what to write about has been difficult because there's so much going on in my head...mostly all hinging on the events of one 48 hour period.

The weekend before last there was a fundamental change in the dynamic of my relationship with Ma'am. It was unexpected and sudden (to me, at least) and it left me feeling somewhat confused and nervous. On the eve of this change, Ma'am installed a hook in our bedroom and for the first time I was cuffed with my hands above my head and blindfolded. This experience, combined with the fact that Ma'am unequivocally took control for the first time, propelled me into a deeper state of submission than I've ever reached before. But it also brought strong feelings of helplessness and fear that I had difficulty processing and understanding. It was very affecting and I didn't take enough care in communicating what I was going through with my Ma'am. On the heels of this, I ended up in a position where I had to make a conscious decision to do something that I knew would anger my Ma'am - but it was the only decision I could make because the alternatives were to be avoided at all costs.

It was hard to re-center after that weekend. So many things have gone through my mind since then and I'm hoping that soon the chaos will resolve itself enough for me to write.