the currency of punishment

A new disciplinary policy went into effect this weekend – a system to track and provide correction for my smaller transgressions, those that Ma'am feels need to be dealt with yet do not warrant a strapping. The policy was inspired by a blog post we found on the web that Ma'am took a particular liking to.

Glass pebbles and stars have now become the currency of my punishment. In the middle of our living room an empty vase stands, flanked by two smaller vessels containing blue glass pebbles and translucent yellow stars. Each pebble placed in the vase will represent one firm swat to my bottom, earned by misconduct, improper focus, lapses of attention, or when Ma'am feels I am in need of a reminder. The little glass stars represent amnesty. If I am lucky enough to earn one of those, I may, with Ma'am's permission, remove a pebble from the vase and be forgiven a swat I'd previously earned.

It's a pretty arrangement with a less than pretty side. When I look at it, I don't see a jumble of pretty colored glass but a reminder to be well behaved and appropriately obedient. But I am reminded that my Ma'am loves me enough to provide discipline and additional motivation when I need it. And once the vase is no longer empty... I will be reminded of the ways I need to improve and that I do, in fact, need my Ma'am's discipline.

I wonder what my Ma'am sees when she looks upon the pebbles and stars?

crime and punishment

This week my thoughts have turned toward crime and punishment – a direct by product of Ma'am informing me that the delayed punishment I earned several weeks ago would happen on Tuesday evening. I seem to fall into distinct patterns where my “crimes” are concerned and I'm currently in a cycle of one punishable transgression every 4 weeks. Per usual, when I take notice of a pattern I'm driven to poke and prod at it until I find out what's behind it.

I think that what lies behind the pattern to my transgression is that after a period when things are going well with Ma'am I start to crave discipline. I want to feel her control tighten, want to feel more submissive. I feel a need to be taken firmly (sometimes harshly) in hand and to be reminded of my place in a way that leaves no room for doubt.

I don't receive any type of maintenance discipline and am not in training at the moment so when this type of mood comes upon me it tends to stick around. For the most part, I'm well behaved and very focused on pleasing my Ma'am so I wouldn't consciously disobey her wishes or try to provoke a display of her dominance. So it might just be that unconsciously I am seeking a confirmed and relatively safe way to get that. Suddenly, I'm less mindful and realize that I've forgotten to do something that is part of weekly ritual or have done something forbidden throughout the course of the day. I've broken one of Ma'am's rules so I know I will be punished and receive the discipline and tighter control that I'm craving but I didn't really engage in willful disobedience so it is “safe.” The downside of this is that I've caused displeasure to my Ma'am and, well, I'm to be punished which has a much more negative connotation than discipline.

It's been 28 days since I've last transgressed – will recognizing the reason behind the pattern be enough to break it?

pondering leniency

Last week after I failed to completely follow one of my rules, I did something I've never done – I begged for leniency. Ma'am was as surprised by my plea as she was by my confessed misbehavior. But after careful consideration and some pointed discussion she granted it and spared me punishment with the belt. The problem is this – while I am grateful and relieved to have been afforded leniency, my having asked for it doesn't sit well with me. Even while I was doing it I realized that I was doing it out of fear and it didn't take long for a feeling of “wrongness” to settle over me. Had I been able to take it back, I would have...and yet in that moment I could do nothing else.

So for the past week or so I've been pondering the following - - Is begging for leniency an appropriate response to a transgression that earns punishment?

• Should I have merely confessed and done my best to quietly accept what was coming with as much grace as I could muster?
• Have I somehow diminished myself as a submissive in making a cowardly and selfish choice?

From the way I've been feeling, I'm pretty certain that I won't ask for leniency again any time soon. But I'd like to hear what others have to say on the topic. Is there a time and a place to ask for leniency in submission? If so, when is it appropriate and when is it not?

out of compliance

Just last night Ma'am was remarking on how good a girl I have been. Now, I have to say had been. Somehow I managed to forget a portion of one of my weekly rules today and had to report to her that I was out of compliance. Sigh...it is fully beyond my comprehension how one can suddenly forget to do something that is part of a regular schedule.

Ma'am also informed me last night that she is retiring her paddle as her preferred implement of punishment. What she has in mind for future punishments is something that I have been nervous about since I gave her the knowledge of exactly how effective a punishment it is – the belt. In all of my experience, a belt is the one thing has been exclusively used as a tool of punishment and the psychological effects on me are intense. I knew she would chose it eventually and I've thought with dread about the first time she punishes me with it. Now, it may well be upon me.

I've been wrapped in nerves all night...hoping that the time has not come, that today's transgression is not the one that has earned me this punishment...

a changed girl

There is always a somber note to a day spent in preparation for an evening punishment and today is no exception. Ma'am has placed me in her collar today while she works to help ensure my focus on her and the area where I have recently been found in need of some additional assistance and motivation to improve – a lack of attention to detail that has persisted despite several reminders and a reprimand. And while I also have work today, my other hours will contain a bit of necessary reflection and tasks in preparation of her arrival home to my full and all encompassing attention. I will be dressed and in position when she arrives, dinner will be in the oven, and her paddle within easy reach so that the bit of business that we have to attend to can be dispatched at her pleasure with the minimum of fuss.

I have faced this wait before but today has already proven to be different. I am not nervous and I am not fretting over my mistakes. I have not punished myself for my deficiency but wait patiently to face what will come with the grace of acceptance and a willingness to embrace Ma'am's discipline as a tool for learning.

This wait is different because I am different. My emotions and my thoughts are not the same as those I felt when I last faced punishment – back in December when I was still laboring under some ill conceived notions and was, despite his having released me, still Sir S's girl in some respects. I have traveled a somewhat rocky emotional path since then but I have learned and I have grown more than I thought was possible in such a short period of time. Tuesday's misstep provided a crucial bit of learning and opened my eyes to what is hopefully the last way that I have sabotaged my submission.

Today, just days past my 7 month anniversary in her service, I am unequivocally Ma'am's girl. I submit to her in her own right, no longer as a by product of my submission to another. My daily mantra begins “I submit to my Ma'am for I am hers...” and while these words used to serve partially as a reminder for me, the meaning is different now. They are a statement of fact – I am fully hers and I have finally allowed myself to fully submit. When I speak these words now, they are affirmation of my devotion and joy that I may call this special woman Ma'am.

I believe I now have a richer understanding of what it means to submit. And I feel as if I have finally moved out of the infancy of my submission and can more rightfully call myself a girl.