disciplinary fantasies

Last Tuesday, Ma'am sent me to work in my street collar. It was a punishment day and her intent was to ensure I achieved the proper attitude of contrition as it had been quite a while since that punishment had been earned. She wanted me to remember and to reinforce my state of mindfulness. Wearing her collar did it's intended job...frequently throughout the day my thoughts turned toward the “memory lapse” that led to the evening's business and my continued reflections on hidden motivations and leniency.

But what was unexpected were the little snippets of fantasy that came to me throughout the day. All were related to discipline – receiving a firm scolding as I knelt before my Ma'am, looking up into her eyes from my position on the floor; being thrown over her knee without warning for a spanking so hard and fast that proper counting is an impossibility; displaying my hot and reddened bottom for her with my panties half mast and jeans around my ankles.... Each of these moments pulled me from my sense of contrition into a place made more of excitement and arousal – which, I think, is not precisely the effect that Ma'am wanted to evoke.

Disciplinary fantasies, of course, are quite a different thing than punishment. They are uncolored by the emotion punishment brings with it as a matter of course. Within the framework of actual punishment my pleasant little daytime fantasies would not be arousing at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

What this seems to tell me, though, is that my craving for more regular discipline and tighter control is something that continually lurks just below the surface of my mind. And if I'm not careful and diligent, it is very likely that these desires will continue to lead me off the path of obedience.

crime and punishment

This week my thoughts have turned toward crime and punishment – a direct by product of Ma'am informing me that the delayed punishment I earned several weeks ago would happen on Tuesday evening. I seem to fall into distinct patterns where my “crimes” are concerned and I'm currently in a cycle of one punishable transgression every 4 weeks. Per usual, when I take notice of a pattern I'm driven to poke and prod at it until I find out what's behind it.

I think that what lies behind the pattern to my transgression is that after a period when things are going well with Ma'am I start to crave discipline. I want to feel her control tighten, want to feel more submissive. I feel a need to be taken firmly (sometimes harshly) in hand and to be reminded of my place in a way that leaves no room for doubt.

I don't receive any type of maintenance discipline and am not in training at the moment so when this type of mood comes upon me it tends to stick around. For the most part, I'm well behaved and very focused on pleasing my Ma'am so I wouldn't consciously disobey her wishes or try to provoke a display of her dominance. So it might just be that unconsciously I am seeking a confirmed and relatively safe way to get that. Suddenly, I'm less mindful and realize that I've forgotten to do something that is part of weekly ritual or have done something forbidden throughout the course of the day. I've broken one of Ma'am's rules so I know I will be punished and receive the discipline and tighter control that I'm craving but I didn't really engage in willful disobedience so it is “safe.” The downside of this is that I've caused displeasure to my Ma'am and, well, I'm to be punished which has a much more negative connotation than discipline.

It's been 28 days since I've last transgressed – will recognizing the reason behind the pattern be enough to break it?

submission as a tool for growth

This past week I spent some time reflecting on the role and influence of choice and acceptance in submission and how what I've learned in these areas carries through into everyday life. I choose to submit to my Ma'am – it is a choice I made months ago when I entered her service that I renew every day when I recite my morning mantra and follow the rules she has outlined for me. I try hard to be good and obedient even when I don't agree with her wishes but learning to respond appropriately was a very challenging lesson for this rather strong-willed girl to learn.

Submission has taught me a lot about acceptance and the importance and value in appropriately accepting those things that I don't agree with, don't like, or don't want to do. As a submissive, I may disagree with my dominant but it is my responsibility to behave and respond with appropriate poise and grace in all situations. Learning to accept what I would not choose for myself has revealed to me a strength I didn't know that I possessed and has provided fulfillment I didn't expect. It has helped me to grow not only as a submissive but as a person as well.

This growth area was put to an extreme test mid-week in my professional life. When faced with a challenging situation and unreasonable person who was determined to provoke an unprofessional response from me with an unjustified personal attack, my submission turned out to be my secret weapon. Under fire, I made the choice to remain calm, poised, and professional. I was able to accept his unprofessional behavior with a level of grace that I was proud of and resisted the urge to join the confrontation. It is a claim I could not have made a year ago and one I credit fully to my journey into submission.

moving in

Up until recently, I've kept a blog on an on-line BDSM site. I joined the site some time ago and my first steps as a submissive last year were chronicled and shared there. After entering service, I remained a member of the site and continued to keep my blog there primarily because I wanted to connect with the larger online community and forge new friendships.

I've come to re-evaluate that decision over the past several weeks. Aside from a notable few, most of those who contacted me there were looking for something other than friendship and the support and discussions that I'd hoped my blog would facilitate never quite materialized. So I decided to move my blog out into the wider world and have been doing so over the past week.

I'm still in the process of getting settled and unpacking the boxes but please feel free to stop by and read some of my past posts. New posts will be coming soon, including a bit of history about myself and my journey.

Welcome to sub*conscious...a little corner of the web dedicated to sharing, growth, learning and connection as I make my way down the path of service and submission.

pondering leniency

Last week after I failed to completely follow one of my rules, I did something I've never done – I begged for leniency. Ma'am was as surprised by my plea as she was by my confessed misbehavior. But after careful consideration and some pointed discussion she granted it and spared me punishment with the belt. The problem is this – while I am grateful and relieved to have been afforded leniency, my having asked for it doesn't sit well with me. Even while I was doing it I realized that I was doing it out of fear and it didn't take long for a feeling of “wrongness” to settle over me. Had I been able to take it back, I would have...and yet in that moment I could do nothing else.

So for the past week or so I've been pondering the following - - Is begging for leniency an appropriate response to a transgression that earns punishment?

• Should I have merely confessed and done my best to quietly accept what was coming with as much grace as I could muster?
• Have I somehow diminished myself as a submissive in making a cowardly and selfish choice?

From the way I've been feeling, I'm pretty certain that I won't ask for leniency again any time soon. But I'd like to hear what others have to say on the topic. Is there a time and a place to ask for leniency in submission? If so, when is it appropriate and when is it not?