training begins

Last night I began gag training – something of a necessity as Ma'am and I are working on increasing my pain tolerance and have been delving into heavier and more sustained pain than I can easily (and quietly!) take. While I've used a ball gag before, I don't tolerate them well and become distressed and panicked after only a short period of time wearing one. Because of this, Ma'am usually chooses to gag me with a bandana between my teeth and it isn't very effective in helping to dampen the noise. This past weekend we bought a beginner's ball gag. Our first use didn't go as well as we'd hoped and so Ma'am has decided that training is the best way to help me get used to it.

Ma'am thought it would be best to start me out under the least intense situation she could think of – sitting on the sofa. I was to wear it loosely for 3 half-hour periods with ample breaks in between and had been given permission to spit it out if it became too much for me. I was determined not to, of course, and Ma'am and I both knew it.

I can't say how many times I fought against the panic, for a while it seemed an almost continual thing, but Ma'am was there with me the entire time – watching over me, comforting my distress - her soothing hands caressing my thigh or smoothing my hair. She kept telling me how well I was doing and how proud she was of me, reminding me that she loves me and maintaining eye contact through the worst moments. Her obvious pleasure and pride gave me courage and strength that helped me to calm myself and the simple kindness of providing me with tissues to wipe away the drool instilled a sense of gratitude and love distinctly out of proportion to the act.

I had thought (hoped?) my evening's training was complete when I made it through my second round – a particularly difficult and drooly time in which I'd started to choke and my panic reached fever pitch. My heart sank when she she told me she wanted me to go one more round and I didn't know how I'd ever be able to do it. My voice was small and pathetic when I told her that I was ready. Improperly – but she forgave the protocol lapse.

The lapse, and particularly Ma'am's silent yet clear acknowledgement of it, helped me to move my focus from my fear and impending suffering to a more appropriate place. It reminded me of my place and my duty to be obedient to her will. And it proved to me that she was paying attention...she was watching me as she had been all night and I knew that she wouldn't let anything happen to me. Ma'am wanted 30 more minutes so I opened my mouth to receive the gag and gave them to her.

The most surprising thing was the variety of powerful emotions I went through during the course of the evening. Behind and between the panic and distress there were feelings of helplessness and humiliation, the undeniable revelation of Ma'am's control and my bending to her will, my struggle for obedience in the face of my fear, the reward of Ma'am's pleasure and pride...and even arousal. I felt my submission stretch and deepen, felt the need to bow to it – the need to bow to the woman before me whom I fought against fear to please, and I sank to the floor by her feet to receive her pleasure and her comfort.

This was not an experience or lesser intensity as intended but rather more intense because I felt every nuance of it - unhindered, undistracted, and undiluted...

dream a little dream

I'm exhausted and stressed...working long and crazy hours as the clock winds down to a major deadline at the end of the week. I'm usually very good at managing my stress but at times like these, when my work virtually eliminates my free time, stress starts to take effect. I'm having trouble sleeping and last night was the worst. The hours ticked by as I lay futilely trying to turn off my mind and get some rest. I was up half the night and woke very early from a dream that that made it hard to get back to sleep...it had aroused me so much and set my mind spinning the moment that consciousness crept in. I spent another couple of hours in tormented wakefulness lamenting my rule that restricts personal playtime without express permission...

That dream was so hard to get out of my head and still has some effect on me as I think about it now. I'd come home from work late, having forgotten to call and my Ma'am was waiting for me. But this version of Ma'am was very different – she was....stern....unrelenting. There the moment I walked in the door, ordering me to my knees to receive my service collar. She delivered a most effective scolding for my negligence as I knelt in the foyer and fairly dragged me into the bedroom by my hair when she had said her piece. Once there she pushed me firmly over the side of the bed and held me down with her knee, face planted in the mattress and bottom raised up, as she yanked my jeans down in record time. And then her belt was in her hand and she beat me so hard and fast that I almost couldn't keep up the proper count.

But Ma'am was not yet done with me – she'd decided that day that I needed to begin training and put me through unfamiliar paces for what seemed like hours. She watched me complete instruction after instruction, providing instant and painful correction each time I hesitated or failed to follow her instruction as expected. As I repeated my motions over and over, each time seeking to improve upon the last attempt, I lost myself in my tasks and achieved a grace I never thought I could possess. Finally she was satisfied, proud of and pleased with her girl, and by way of reward she took me roughly in the way she knows I like best and told me to cum for her...

Ah, this dream is so very telling...stress brings out my rougher side. It reveals the desire to lose myself in my submission and intensifies my ever present yearnings for control and discipline...I'm looking forward to my dreams tonight. :)

the currency of punishment

A new disciplinary policy went into effect this weekend – a system to track and provide correction for my smaller transgressions, those that Ma'am feels need to be dealt with yet do not warrant a strapping. The policy was inspired by a blog post we found on the web that Ma'am took a particular liking to.

Glass pebbles and stars have now become the currency of my punishment. In the middle of our living room an empty vase stands, flanked by two smaller vessels containing blue glass pebbles and translucent yellow stars. Each pebble placed in the vase will represent one firm swat to my bottom, earned by misconduct, improper focus, lapses of attention, or when Ma'am feels I am in need of a reminder. The little glass stars represent amnesty. If I am lucky enough to earn one of those, I may, with Ma'am's permission, remove a pebble from the vase and be forgiven a swat I'd previously earned.

It's a pretty arrangement with a less than pretty side. When I look at it, I don't see a jumble of pretty colored glass but a reminder to be well behaved and appropriately obedient. But I am reminded that my Ma'am loves me enough to provide discipline and additional motivation when I need it. And once the vase is no longer empty... I will be reminded of the ways I need to improve and that I do, in fact, need my Ma'am's discipline.

I wonder what my Ma'am sees when she looks upon the pebbles and stars?

perception and communication

I've been mulling over the value and role of perception in power exchange and D/s. It seems to me that perception is an element that can be both beneficial and detrimental to a relationship. It can lead to either a building up or a breaking down of control and obedience. But I have to wonder if in a PE relationship perception plays a more important or central role within the dynamic than I'd originally realized. Certainly there are times it helps matters but aren't there often times that it is a hindrance as well?

My role as a submissive dictates a certain approach to things that is radically different than how I approach them in my every day life. For example, if I perceive something negatively within my marriage I am more the type to immediately get it out in the open. I confront the issue head on with my partner so that misunderstandings and misconceptions don't cloud matters and foster negativity. But as a submissive, if I perceive something as negative within the confines of our D/s relationship, I generally approach it as something I must accept and get used to. I rarely confront the issue with my dominant. I may ask some clarifying questions to try to verify my perception but this is not always enough to validate or alter my perception.

Generally, when things aren't entirely clear, whether something is true or based on truth doesn't seem to have as much weight as what I perceive it to be. And, on occasion, my perception has led me to feel discontented or uneasy about my future path. So, at what point do perception and role hinder communication and/or erode a relationship? I realize communication is important and yet the structure of PE seems to muddy the waters for me as to which things are up for discussion and which should merely be met with acceptance and obedience...

introspection and mentorship

It's no secret – I'm a fairly introspective girl. I'm not sure if it's natural progression – that I've reached a point where I'm not constantly mulling over every facet of what I'm doing wrong or that submission has changed my focus to be less inward – but lately I've noticed a more broad-based bend to my ponderings. It seems that more often than not these days when I have the time to write I'm mulling over more general topics or concepts related to service and submission, filling pages in trying to answer questions that inevitably spawn other questions or trying to figure out how I feel about something and not really getting anywhere.

Most of what I've learned so far has been the result of my own inner examinations. It's been a difficult path on occasion and there have been so many times that I've felt adrift, as if I'm stumbling around in the dark as I try to figure out how to be and how to behave. I've had my “a-ha” moments and epiphanies but many of these revelations have been hard won and left me feeling stupid for not sooner grasping something that later seems so obvious or basic a tenet.

I've begun to wonder if maybe I would benefit from a mentor. I have mixed thoughts about mentoring – my Ma'am's experience with it proved to be more of an example of how not to mentor someone and left her largely feeling frustrated and exasperated. I'm also not sure how my having a mentor would mesh with or affect my current service situation. Or, even, how to go about finding a suitable mentor...

I'd love to hear from those who've had some experience with mentorship...anyone have any thoughts on the topic?

over her knee

Last night, in appreciation of my preparing her a special dinner, Ma'am took me over her knee for the most delightful spanking! It's been ages since she's spanked me this way...more often than not lately it's been her pleasure to string me up and have her way with flogger, crop or cane. And while I do enjoy my time on the hook, I've missed the intimacy of being taken over her lap for a leisurely and sensual spanking.

When she gave me that look and patted the sofa next to her, I couldn't get over her lap fast enough. She spent a good amount of time caressing and grabbing my eager bottom before lowering my panties and by the time she'd delivered the first spank I felt like I was in heaven...

learning

I was up far too early this morning and spent my early hours with coffee and discovering a few new blogs. I ran across an interesting post by the Thinking Dominant entitled, “Teaching". He writes:

“Who 'teaches'? Take for example the submissive [who] is more experienced than the dominant. Can the sub teach from the bottom? Should the Dom look to other Doms? Perhaps finding a mentor or start at the bottom?”

This post echoes my own questions as a submissive. Questions that relate not only to how I can become a better girl to my Ma'am but also to how I can best use my experience and perspective to help my Ma'am to learn and further develop her identity as a dominant.

Although I have a touch more experience than my Ma'am in this world, we are both somewhat new to it. There have been many moments where we've both felt as if we were stumbling around in the dark, trying and failing to figure out how to be what we are. We've both had “a-ha” moments relevant to our respective roles but for the most part they are hard won and take far longer to realize than we'd like.

For those of us who are newer to this world, what's the best way to learn outside the scope of your own experience? How does one go about finding a mentor or connecting with those who are willing and interested in teaching others?