no such thing as forgot

Today my mind is blissfully clear and much to my chagrin I know what happened on Thursday – and why I hid what I was doing from myself.

I was testing Ma'am, trying to provoke her to an overt display of dominance and control. I've done this before with other dominants when I was either uncertain of their control or craving such a display. But I've never been unaware that I was doing it and this is the thing that I found most troubling on Thursday. I didn't think it was possible that I just forgot and I didn't think I was testing Ma'am because I've always been aware of that.

I realize now that I hid it from myself because I knew that Ma'am wasn't ready for it. Ma'am is still getting comfortable with her new role and still figuring out what type of Domme she is. I'd actually written that day in my journal about how important it was that I don't push Ma'am beyond her current comfort level. I don't want to make things more difficult for her and I don't want to throw her into entirely uncharted waters unexpectedly.

And yet, hours after writing, I pushed. Ah, but it's a little more complicated than it seems. My pushing was designed not only to test my Ma'am – but also to provoke my Sir. Mission accomplished. Sir was NOT happy to hear about what happened and was onto my motivations well before I was. And Sir doesn't tolerate bratty behavior well.

*sigh* It seems like every time I realize and face an obstacle to my submission another pops up – all manufactured by my twisted little mind.

how could I forget?

Last night I had my second training session of the week with Ma'am. I've been doing well lately and it was almost a perfect evening. Almost. Until I managed to screw it up.

Ma'am was feeling very generous and had decided I'd earned a reward. My reward was lovely and the pleasure she allowed me was one of my favorite things. This is apparently when my mind decided to go on vacation. Ma'am gave me four wonderful orgasms...and I forgot to ask permission all four times.

Forgot.

Four times.

Not even a thought in my head.

How can that be?

I have NEVER forgotten before. Which is not to say that I've never cum without asking permission - there have been moments were my orgasm came on so quickly that I didn't have time to ask. But always – ALWAYS – I was aware of the words I didn't say and have apologized immediately. And while I did apologize last night...the fact remains that the thought never entered my mind and I didn't realize the omission until Ma'am pointed it out.

I'm beginning to suspect that I'm sabotaging myself...lately it seems that it's all one step forward and two steps back with me...

withholding pleasure - a watershed moment

This weekend contained a pivotal moment in my submission. I knew that I would be expected to face up to the thing I was most afraid of being asked to do, the very thing that always seemed impossible to me when I thought of it. Others might find it a wholly unremarkable thing...but it was my albatross.

I tried not to think about it too much last week because I knew there was no way I could prepare myself for what I was facing. No options had been offered. Sir and Ma'am would have this from me. I must be obedient and please them. I knew those things just as I knew that my internal conflict would stand firmly in the way of obedience.

And then...my watershed moment. If I did not find a way to do this, I would not merely be incurring the displeasure of my dominants. I would be withholding pleasure from them.

Why didn't I see it like this before?

This simple change in thinking had a huge effect. The idea of withholding pleasure was unthinkable and it gave me the little kick I needed to find my way. Of course, it didn't erase the conflict I felt or make everything all better. I still felt the weight of my submission very heavily when the moment came.

But – I obeyed. And Sir and Ma'am were very pleased.

And really, that's what it's all about.

lowering the bar

I've lowered the bar – and I have to say I feel great about it.

A little over a week ago, just before my epiphany, I came face to face with just how high the standards I was holding myself to were. Even in my highest heels the bar I'd raised was so far above me that I didn't have a prayer of touching it. With the weight of such unrealistic expectations on my shoulders, it's no wonder that I was feeling as if I was failing my Ma'am and Sir.

I've learned a lot in the past week. Important lessons regarding how I see and deal with failure, how I've been trying to retain a measure of control and how I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to be someone that I haven't yet learned how to be. I've been unwittingly getting in my own way and my submission was suffering for it. Actually failing Ma'am and Sir might have soon become my reality if I hadn't realized what I was doing to myself.

So I lowered that bar and aligned it with the expectations of my Ma'am and Sir – which is exactly where I ought to have placed it in the first place. I'm going to take some time to get used to how reaching the bar feels before I decide to raise it a little higher.

Lowering the bar has already been of benefit to me in serving Ma'am and now that I'm getting out of my own way, I think it's just possible that I'm finally finding my groove...

domming myself - an epiphany

Our trio is actually a quad. I serve Sir and Ma'am but I also serve a third Mistress. This third Mistress, who was actually my first, resides in my head. She is omnipotent, unrelenting, and fierce. She does not dispense praise easily or often and is very quick to pass judgment.

The Mistress Mind sees and knows all of the things that Sir and Ma'am do not but she doesn't always share the information with them. She is an expert in scolding and lecturing and knows the most effective and efficient means of correcting me. Mistress Mind has absolutely no qualms about punishing me on behalf of my Sir and Ma'am and does so as she sees fit – until or unless Ma'am and Sir provide their own punishment.

Mistress Mind is always there - driving me toward success, correcting my failures, and always on the lookout for improper attitude or behavior. She is relentless in her attempts to turn me into the best girl I can be but I don't fault her for it. I am wide open and vulnerable to her in a way that I am not yet with Ma'am and Sir. I've served her unconsciously and without thought for a very long time. I have been a devoted slave to Mistress Mind and strive for nothing less than perfection with her.

Serving Mistress Mind was not a bad thing in the past. In fact, Mistress owned me so completely that I wasn't entirely aware of her presence. But now that I have Ma'am and Sir, serving my first Mistress makes things a little messy. Mistress Mind's demands sometimes prevent me from properly serving Ma'am and Sir. I've come to realize that my continued service of her is a detriment to my service of Ma'am and Sir. This morning I knew without a doubt - it is time to leave the Mistress Mind's tutelage.

I'm not sure how to say goodbye to my first Mistress. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to fully leave her and her guidance behind. But I know that I must learn to let go of her if I am to ever succeed in my submission to Ma'am and Sir.